Ajar.

It has been a while since I last blogged.Well,I have been alright.
Surviving.
There is no escaping the constant life turbulences but it has been manageable.
I am probably having the apex of my time and for a long time now,and I am nothing but at peace with myself.
I am graduating or passing out of school this coming Friday and it is still questionable on what I would be doing next.
It is in between having a career or pursuing my studies.
I just have to wait till April 1st to get a confirmation if I have a place in poly or else I would RE-APPLY my job application to work as an enrolled nurse.
*sighs deeply*
I still think about my life-long ambition but I know better than to screw up what I have laid out in front of me than to pursue on something uncertain.
This stupid little voices keeps chanting "you only live once,so might as well just try."
But it wouldn't be so easy,and if I were to talk some sense and think rationally,I would spend more than 5 years to figure my life out yet again.
I am in a dilemma of my own life path.
I can't talk it out to anybody without anyone judging and trying to sort my sorry life out for me.
I need a passive listener and at the same time,ruling out the factors on why I should or should not go on with my undying dream.
I still think about it sometime,but obviously,I know I would be rash on making a decision for my own.
Anyways,generally I am well.
Or so I think.
Things with boyfriend is good too I guess.I haven't been seeing him since Friday and I do miss him but at this point we're at,I couldn't give a fuck anymore.
Its not that I don't love him anymore,but I did all I could I guess.Or maybe just not enough.
I am too tired to care when he doesn't put in enough effort to feel the same and the best part of all this shenanigans,he realizes,he knows,he acknowledges on how much of an ass he's been.
Neglecting me and my feelings.
I had a conversation with Mari last night when she came over to hang out at my place,
she; "Back when he's still trying to court me,we're up talking till 5 in the morning and now,its 'baby,I'm tired I'm going to sleep now." -on about her own boyfriend.
And I agreed.
But I can't totally blame my boyfriend for his lack of affection.
Since he's done with NS life and found a career for himself,it has been tougher for him than it is for me.
His life depends on the money he's earning from his job which requires more than 12 hours of work with 2 days off.
And during his off days is the days we would meet.sometimes,once in a week.
I am trying my hardest to understand him in ways a girlfriend should but it gets overwhelming when every fucking day you keep reminding him you love him and on a good day his reply would be "I love you too" via text messaging and most times,only just a phone call when he gets home,when I'm about to go to bed.
On a good day,he would call me somewhere in between his working hours but normally,when my eyes are almost closing for bed,thats when he does.
And I have been staying up to wait for him to come home everyday,worrying for his ass if he's eaten his meals,his medications and when things gets rough between us,he keeps saying I don't give a fuck about him.He's always assuming and it challenges my patience.
I don't want things to get mroe fucked up if I express myself entirely so most of the times,I just bottle it up and let it set in my gut.And trust me,there is almost no more room left for anymore bullshit.
I just hope for better days;
and maybe,just maybe,if I get a job,things between us would make more sense.
I would think about him a lot lesser.
I am happy,but sometimes,Im just not.
Till then.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I don't want you to think that I'm always going to be there,only time will tell now.