It has been a great experience,a good start of 2.1 posting.The educators has impacted my life and I am beyond my words grateful for their knowledge and their firm ways to mould me to become a better care-giver than most existing one up to date.(Muahaha)
To my CI,though you stress me up most mornings when you are around,I am glad you are around and educated me and the rest of us under your care.It has been wonderful the times spent with you.The frequent "Ezmira" still needs some getting used to but its adaptable now.I fake a smile and acknowledge the name anyway.wahahaha.I love you CI,thank you for everything!
Loves!
Anyway,
I managed to have a conversation with Jerkass last night for less than half an hour.
I lied about my health status,he kept asking what is up and me,being big headed,assumed that he was being concerned about me.He agreed but he said "jangan mati sudah" which was kind of annoying but I am sure he cared.Wahahaha.This was before I told him I was lying.haha.
When I told him I actually went to see Sam and baby Casper,I am more than sure he was pissed but he pretended to be cool and said he was just taking advantage of the situation to talk about the not dying bit.wahaha.When he said he had to bathe,asked if I was going to stay late online which is unusual.But lets not fall for the wrong things,I bet it was just genuine catching up session since tomorrow he is starting his first day at work.
Good luck to him,and I wish him well..
Anyways,last night..
I let him see me through my tears.It was stupid of me,I didn't want him to see me as vulnerable..
With enraged face and raised voice,I was taken aback and hurt.I was shaking when comfort and apologies was being voiced,I cried even harder.
I just hate it when people shout-scream-yell or just be mad.
All I could think of the next minute on was going home and giving back his stuff which was with me.I planted a kiss on his cheek and said goodbye,I didn't want to look back and I know how selfish it sounded.He looked so confused and when I stood up to leave I was being pulled back to my seat and I sank myself into his shoulder,crying much harder than before.
I don't remember how it started but it wasn't pleasant for me.I don't expect to be treated like a princess but it really made me bite my tongue,hard.I was hurt.
He apologized,said he didn't mean anything and I let it rest.
Maybe I was being too sensitive cause its that time of the month but somehow,something from within tells me that his patience with me is obvious wearing thin and I am proving myself right.
I won't be mad if he decides to disappear after all that has happened between us cause it happened by choice.It wasn't a mistake that God made him a part of my life even for a short period of time.I appreciated his existence and I did tell him from the very beginning that it is not going to be easy if he decides to stay on with me.I know myself well enough to be saying that.
Being with Jerkass and him is kind of like the same thing-an all out emotional ride.Only difference is that,I am experiencing everything that I wish and more with him compared to Jerkass.Jerkass is kind of like a fantasy I wish I could be living in,while being with him,it is as real as it gets.
Sighs.
Such a cold evening,with light rain and he just woke up.I told him I miss him this afternoon,and I mean what I said,I do.Even after the shed tears,he really has impacted my world.
I will always remember this, "I just hope that we have a future together."
Its probably the most surreal and cheesiest thing anyone have ever said to me nonetheless,I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.I adore you so,so much.
Oh,Jerkass is talking to me now ;)
G'night all.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Given a choice,what would you do?
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