Heart on my fist.

Its an early Sunday morning.
I have yet to sleep.
These eyes are not tired yet.
I was unwell last night.
I felt nauseous.I vomited.Partially undigested food.
My chest hurts.I was breathless.
Mentally,I'm weak.Physically,I'm hanging in there.
Its a surprise i could wake up from only an hour and a half much of sleep.
I had to make up for the 4 days I've lost as i was on MC at the ward on Saturday(yesterday)
I wasn't alone.I had a fellow MC mate so i wasn't really loss,awkward and so useless.
I had accomplished some task with my lecturer and i just realize how incompetent i was.But fret not,i will do my all to be on track.I will keep on practising.I have to try.
Nice staffs,unfriendly staffs,who cares?Its me who matters.
Its me whose being graded.Its me trying to come to par with patent's needs.
Sadly enough,I am not so myself lately.I am still shaken over the news of Panjang,
I went to the hospital early in the morning by bus,had my music on blasting in through my ears,i stared towards the opposite direction i was facing and my tear glands triggered.
I was working in the hospital.People get treated there.He should have been in the hospital too.
Not..
Why does it bother me so much?I don't know.

• Because was too young to go?Maybe.
• Because i liked him?Maybe.
• Because i was picturing him to be anyone that really matters in my life?Maybe.

But,why do i cry so much as though i am really losing it?
Why do i responded to the news like i have really known him?
I dunno why.Do you?
I'm trying to get by the days without withering.
I fail when I am lost,back-tracking the moments of my life.
A couple of minutes ago,after several annoying days of finding the cause of Panjang's death,
i finally found my gold today.
I found him.
The pit of my stomach cringe when i saw his smiling picture.
And reading the piece of news about the incident made my heart sunk like the titanic ship.
Such a waste.He could have been saved.
But,if he belongs to God,that just means he has to go and leave.
The God loves him more than we(general term of people) do.
I just hope he's made it to cloud 9 now.
Forever by God's side,in Nirvana.
Hopefully watching over us all and keeping those he loves safe from harm.
I hope I'll see him when my time comes.
And this time,I'll build enough courage to go up to the person i first met at the zoo with

• knee high boots,
• short buzzed hair,
• walking tall,
• slow and
• slim

that "Hey!i think i like you."
Rest in peace Panjang.
You may have been a complete stranger to me,
(well,not entirely since technically,you were around when Nana and I was trying to run away from a crazy dog and you told us to stay calm and that you and Nana used to hang out with Acet.And Ravi's friends with you and i happen to be the one caught in the middle who secretly likes you.)
but you made me shed tears for you.
Deeply missed,always.
I will remember you.Its hard for me not to since..
You left a day before my supposedly big 18th.
Take care,have fun with those angels up there and one day,
when its time for me to be up there to join you and the others..
I'll come,I'll find you.
*Sighs*
I will find closure.
Life happens.
Death occurs.
Its a phase.
Ili,believe it.
Love,Appreciate!