Won't you kill me?

I have noticed a change in myself.
My eye-sight is pretty screwed,its getting worst I suppose.
Than,I would wake up from a very deep sleep,be it a short or long nap and feel light headed and I'm only hoping that I won't pass out one of these days.
I think I am sick.
Today is Mother's day and like all the past years of this beautiful day,I did not get my Mom anything like she deserves.
Well,I used to get her a stalk of bright coloured flower and watch her throw it out after a week or so.
And tomorrow is my Pop's 54th and again,I did not get him anything.
My brother and his wife is going to bring the whole family out for dinner and I'm embarrassed.
Pffft.
I SUCK IN GETTING PEOPLE GIFTS. (I'm even asking Zee to bear with me until I get her a perfect one.And soon enough,I have Mari's birthday gift to worry about.)
Though I make good lengthy birthday cards I must say.
All I wanted to achieve in this lifetime I have is to be a good daughter but I have screwed up too many chances and I don't know how to make it right anymore.
har har har. (??)
I am still doing the things I swore I wouldn't do again and lie straight to my folk's faces.
I deserve to be punch in the gut.
But I promise,I will stop this whole mess again when the time is right.When the time is good enough for me.
Besides being a terrible daughter,I've been a lousy friend too.
Once upon donkey years ago,I used to have a best friend.We were too close for comfort and than some shit had to happen and I lost that one thing which used to make me smile a lot.
A friendship.
Her mom thought I was a bad influence and now,years later,when she sees me outside,she acknowledges me. (It was even weirder for me if you must know.)
As confusing as it may seem,I am utterly hurt and it still bugs me about how my friend's parents think of me.
I don't mean for certain things to happen you know.
I'm just esoteric.Some people get me,some people just don't.
I don't like being in a situation where I know I'm partially responsible to be at fault in.
It makes me paranoid.
But fuck it,I'll abandon a fruitful friendship if its for my friends parents peace of mind.
I'd do that.
I just want the world to be loved.If thats even impossible when it gets around to my friends,than I rest my case.
Well,I'm going to go get ready now.I got to meet my Nana and hang out with her over cigarettes and multiple exchanging of words.
Till then,Take care.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:I just hope for one thing,miss me when I'm gone.Please?