But being a sucker that I am,I have made no plans for myself cept' to read the books I've borrowed from the library and drink endless of tea and coffee to occupy my time.
I want to meet OH-SO-MANY people but its been so long since I kept in touch,I'm embarrassed. Haha.
So anyways,two nights ago with Monty,I went to bade farewell to her hero,Teah.He's going to be away for 10 days for Brunei.She's pretty down about the whole thing but claims to be keeping herself busy with work.Bahaha.Fat hope,I'm sure she's burying her head in her palms,crying.
But woman,he's going to come back,have faith. :D
What else,Oh I met Mari again today,or hours ago of yesterday technically.
She was overly-excited over her new found ability to snap beautiful picture with her digi cam.
(Credits to Abang staff nurse la horr-.-)
I'm happy for her,but she gets in my face with trying to take stupid pictures while I suck on a fat Popsicle.It was a hilarious picture which I hope so badly she wouldn't upload unless she wants to jeopardize our friendship.
Yes,its coming of as a threat! Lol.
And I don't understand why there must be dogs or other fucking animals around to disrupt our time together.Not that we were doing anything special,but come on! Leave my paranoid mind alone.Like every time I see dogs,I am secretly thinking that it will come leap up on me and start licking my eyeballs and than bite my juicy thigh away than gnaw at my bone.
Its that freaky!
But anyways,honey,Mari,I always have my kind of fun with you and them other two.
So thank you for asking a loser like me out.
Urmn,Seb is joining the army. (YES ITS RANDOM.SO WHAT!)
I am way beyond words elated for him.But who am I kidding?It is actually depressing thinking of what he's going to go through once he gets recruited.And the cheek of him to come up on IM and say "It will be good if you start talking to me since you miss me" or something like that and I replied "When the fuck did I say I missed you?Please,Don't flatter yourself!" but its obvious I suppose.He's wrapped around my last toe!!
Lol. We talked for less than fifteen minutes and he was too zoned out for gaming or he was too drunk to care and I didn't know if I should ask the golden question.So I kept it to myself once again and wish he wouldn't get accepted in the army force in Germany.
*sighs*
I don't know why I'm being retarded over him.He is my bloody ex,and he is million miles away(for the record Monty,I should be the one crying my eyeballs out everyday!har har har) and it feels like he is still so close to me.
I want to be in love again,I swear to God I'd love to have that feeling again but I'm not sure if I'm ready enough.Look at me,
I'm a walking garbage!
I have zit marks all over my face(yes,self-negligence.I got nobody to look pretty for.*Feeling sorry for myself.HAHA!),I'm 1000000kg over-weight and I am more manly compared to Zul-Zuliction(no offense.Haha!).
But I am more than content to have those around me who is willing enough to take me in their silly little world.Har Har Har.
I'm a person of make beliefs,having abundant of hope and holding on to faith.Cause in the end,the solution to everything relies in myself and myself only.I have the choice,I have the reason,I have my answers.I am maturing when there is rejections in my life like,when my mom refuse to make me a cuppa,I'll sulk in her face and makes her feel bad.Than I go on making my own cuppa and let her have a taste of it and seeing her smile makes it all worth while again.
I am clueless on what I'm trying to imply but it started of because of that lovely idiot.Seb.
He made me feel wanted.He made me feel comfortable like no other.He accepted me being weird.Being awkward.Being quiet(but eventually it ended anyways).The fun never stopped between though.I know it.I'm sure he felt it.
Cause there was always burning hot lust in us.
How "we" started off anyways.A good sinful kiss was all it takes.
So I was saying,the feeling of lust.Har har.(Heavy uh the word!)
Holy shit but yeah.
Lust-One year after we broke up,and when we finally met again,the same look he gave to me then and when we met was there.It was on FIRE!I wanted him so bad,but thank God our mutual friend was around or else we'd be all over each other like rugs and sponge?
Pfft. But it was more powerful,cause I missed him truckloads and all I wanted to do was hug him which I did and I wish I could bring him to the place he brought me one of the many nights we had,in front of the church and say "I am still in love with you."
Give me a break,I didn't want the break up,and he refused to try and I was giving up but I never stopped loving him.Which I know I should but I'm afraid that if I do,I will totally erase all memories of him.Because he is no longer in sight,and soon,when he's gone for recruitment,he will go through months or maybe years for training and wouldn't be in the comfort of home to be in touch with me or others who loves him the same.
No,this is not a sad break up story from me,nor is it the sadistic exclamation of the broken ex.
I just don't want to lose him to something he's unsure of.I mean the consequences.I wouldn't have the chance to have my goodbye,nor would I even know what would happen to him.I'm a million miles away.I'd rather if he lived poor and I hope he could wait for a couple of years more before I visit him and say what I meant to say and have closure for myself.
For the word "Us" which is obviously no longer.
Yes,If you have finally noticed,Seb had meant a lot to me and still does,in my life.And it wasn't just about us making out in between walking from places to places(ok Monty!),it was something he gave me in a non physical way which made me feel attached to him.Like I couldn't live without him kind of feeling,I know its a bullshit phrase cause I'm still walking till today(haha) but it the nagging feeling of lonesomeness.Like my shadow is not there anymore.
But I won't be sad,I won't shed tears of loss for what I have lost,cause I'm glad it happened.
I'm glad I had the chance to love and be loved by a man who took my breath,my heart away even though he left me and got me all asthmatic over him and my heart shattered to pieces.
Cause in this world,laughters are like Valium and future love are vacuum cleaner which helps to clear the mess my heart has made.
One thing for sure,when its gone,I can't question why.It just didn't work out.
I hope I'll find a way-courage to say my actual goodbye someday.I just got to keep trying,keep being strong.As always.
Take care earthling.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:It beats.But no longer for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment