remembering.creating my own mess.

(What i wrote back then.Seems like i saw the end coming for us.)

20 minutes ago,i filled half of the post prior to this one.
but i got them cancelled out because i think i was talking all over the place.it might confuse you,cause it did to me.
so,i am not having a good time right now.
i feel like breaking down.i feel like screaming my lungs out until my voice runs out.
but i need to gather up my composure,tilt my head up a little,walk a tad straighter and pretend things are ok.
truth is,it is a fucking mess in my head.
with the hospital attachment to think of and participate on the other hand,it just mess my head up even more.
i don't know what exactly is bothering me.even if i confide in someone,it will just be a total waste if time because i don't know why things are the way it seems in my point of view.
i'll just side-track and pretend things are ok again.
things at the ward is alright i suppose.but i am brave enough to admit that i am totally useless in that team.of course i participate when help is needed but thats it.
i think i feel intimidated with the staffs there because i am pretty sure they are doubting my nursing ability.and being the wuss that i am,i let them think that way.Smart huh?
lols.
well,i found out my primary school good friend is in the same ward as me,but she is in a different shift.this morning,she screamed my name at the ward and made conversation with me while i diligently tried to take down the report.she is crazy!i saw her on my first day actually but she didn't recognize me until earlier this morning,after i got my hair cut yesterday i suppose.lol.
well,anyways,as optimistic as i try to be,i can't help but feel like crumbling down.
hopefully the week ahead will be a better one.i still have a lot of getting used to do this week.
to build up my street cred,and prep.Chey,like gaming sia.haha.
well,anyways,Seb haven't been in touch since 2 days ago.i hope he's landed safe and sound.
i just picture him sitting in SQ346 looking out the window,flying by the moon and looking down to feel at the top of the world.how nice that would be huh?!
so yeah.
take care.
Love,Appreciate!