I will sleep alone,I got no options.

I just got home from a day out with Mari and Zee.As per normal I'm late,I can't change this bad habit.I want to,and I swear to God I tried.I just let complacency get the better of me most times. I hope I am excused for being late,my deepest apologies my wonderful friends.Mari had her tragus pierced and she loved it.So we pretty much hang out and did nothing but talk,laid down,sang,acted(they did),took videos,pictures and I had a good time listening to a particular performance at Esplanade.It was beautiful.I can't describe it in words.
So..
Exam is finally over.I screwed up.I know I did.But we'll see how badly the toll is when the result comes back out in a couple of weeks.
I just didn't have the mood to put in as much effort lately.School bored the shit out of me and I stoned most times anyway.I talk when I'm all hyped up and shut the fucking pipe hole up when I'm not interested to look at no one.I'm a fuck-head.
Sometimes I think people's point of view about me is "she don't deserve to still be alive.someone needs to trample her over and squeeze the life out of her!"
I feel like a nutter.haha.
I imagined myself being in somebody else's shoe and pretended if I saw myself walking.
What do I see?
A loser waiting for just that one answer to turn her world right round again.
A loser who needs to rejuvenate her self-esteem and carry it out on her shoulder and show the world how confident she is on the inside and show it on the outside.
A loser who needs,perhaps,a gist of love.
MAYBE;I lost a good part of myself when my world came crumbling down two years ago and it had taken me A WHOLE LOT OF EFFORT to be where I am today.If I hadn't been strong enough,I would have long ago been dusted somewhere in somebody else's store room in the obituary section of the papers.I could have sworn I had given up the hope and I almost lost my belief in my own kind of faith.But I thought about what God has in mind for me and I tried living a little each day and I came this far,living as much as I could now.
Perhaps I longed to be loved again.Perhaps I have sinned so much that this is what I have to go through for the next maybe 5 years down the road.I don't know.
Maybe I miss the spaces in between my fingers being filled with someone else's grip,to lead me through my darkest times and calm my insecurities.
Maybe I longed to be given the warmest of hugs and the most passionate of kisses I have shared with a particular someone.
When the second chance was being given to me almost a year ago,the kiss didn't feel quite right.
Because it was full of hope,sadness and a lot about moving on and letting go..
Yet,I am still hopeful for his return.Though three quarter part of me swore to never give yet another chance,deep in my heart,I still do want to.
I am not ashamed to say this but I suppose,if I was in love again now,today,this current moment,I would be a more happier person.
I have completely ignored the people who cared,and loved me most because I wanted something physical.Something rational and real.Not some made up memory of nothingness.
There is nothing more I could wish for at this moment but help me God,find me a "close to looking like Jesus" guy and make him see through me like no other can.
Hahahaha.
I want to be interested in somebody,trust me my friends I do.But I have gone through shit ass times and every time I try to stand back up,I'm being shoved by my own flaws and I'm on my hands and knees again.Staggering up.
This is possibly the most lamest post I have every typed but I suppose I just needed to get this off my chest.Its been a burden I can't verbalize to anyone but my old pathetic self.
Lol.
So,till then my fellow earthlings.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I am trying.