Rants #?

I feel horrible.

I look horrible and things just went spirally down,in slow-mo.

Its probably just me,and my expectations.

I just want things to change,I want to challenge myself and in the end,I screw myself up.

Pfft.

There is always this feeling of going back to my old habits,to live young and die young.

At least doing things happy.

Recurrent events of getting sober and feasting on unopened cigarette boxes in the beginning of the day.

I feel like going back to school and study something that will blow my mind away,anything but nursing.

I feel sick and tired with all the intentional or unintentional dramas within work and after working time.

I need to be in an environment where everybody just don't give a flying fuck about anything but to just live.

Maybe I'm just stupidly depressed over nothing,thats why I'm ranting shits over here.

I just can't stand everything and everyone in my life right now.

I feel so enraged.

So fuck everything,I'm just going to pretend I love everybody and smile for the sake of it.

To haters, __.

Love,Appreciate.

perched

Wow.
Its been ages since I last ranted on this-my special blog here.
Life's been miserably busy since I started paying for my own expenses.Hahaha.
Well,I didn't come by to rant so much,more like an update in case people like 'you' seem to be wondering why the fuck I hadn't posted anything since October last year.Haha.

Well,things in life haven't been all smiles and joy for me.
Twenty-eleven was full of bullshit and I predict the same for this twenty-twelve.
Main reason; the love of my life(I'm being a little exaggerated) is going away for two years to work in Saudi~Jeddah and he's only coming home probably once or twice a year.
And that for me is like probably 24 months of random tears,heartaches and billions of 'I miss you'.
He's going away pretty soon now and I don't know how to feel anymore.I am done being mad at him for weeks,probably months after he told me the news of his departure.I can't be sad anymore cause the more I think about it,the more unhealthy I think it would be.So in all my pretense of trying to assure him that I'll get over it,I am actually,secretly,feeling like being abandoned all over again.
17 months of love,pain,joy and probably a pinch of depression later,we are putting our relationship on a hiatus.Somehow or rather,in between the two years we're apart,I'm pretty sure thoughts and feelings may develop or diminish. Hmmn..
I'm keeping my mind open on long-distance relationship but hey,if its meant to be,its meant to be,huh?

Even if it doesn't work out in the end due to existing,or future existing issues,I don't think I ever regret anything that I have share and experienced with my boyfriend.
He had the balls and guts to smother me with affection and patience and God bless him,he's a sweetheart underneath those unmatchable exterior.

My family has been extremely hard to deal with but only time will tell.
His family on the other hand,is so accepting of me.
I wish I could split myself into two and make both party happy.

There goes my life story,hahahaha.
I can't think of anything else to add on.
Till then.

Love,Appreciate.

Warmth

The feeling when my boyfriend smiles at me from afar,
when he runs to me from a friend who wanted a hug and came to hold me by the waist instead,
when he wakes up from a short sleep,
the smell of him sweaty from work,reeking of tiredness and warmth,
the feeling when he said; "please don't leave me when I go away.."
you know what it feels like?
Like a hundred pins tugging the inside of my heart,a feeling of wholesome and contentment.
I genuinely love my boyfriend,and I don't wish to see us fall apart again.
I promise myself this.
Love,appreciate(while you still can).

Stagnant but the little things moving ahead.

I spent the whole day and night with my beloved yesterday after he finished work at three.
We had lunch,walked about,had some shut eye and went to grab late night supper and I was home happy,contented and loved.
After promptly discussing life together perhaps in a few years time(if its fated),and that would be after years of him in Jeddah,we'll plan on getting hitched.
After stabilizing ourselves financially and buying our self a home than perhaps..
I don't know what to feel,sometimes.He's done so much for me and I am a never ending problem for him.hahaha.
But always,coming from him is; "I love you even though you're a bipolar." -.-
Hahahaha.
Ah well.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s: In prioritizing and importance.