Not your typical Doofus

perched

2012-01-06T02:26:00.003+08:00

Wow.
Its been ages since I last ranted on this-my special blog here.
Life's been miserably busy since I started paying for my own expenses.Hahaha.
Well,I didn't come by to rant so much,more like an update in case people like 'you' seem to be wondering why the fuck I hadn't posted anything since October last year.Haha.

Well,things in life haven't been all smiles and joy for me.
Twenty-eleven was full of bullshit and I predict the same for this twenty-twelve.
Main reason; the love of my life(I'm being a little exaggerated) is going away for two years to work in Saudi~Jeddah and he's only coming home probably once or twice a year.
And that for me is like probably 24 months of random tears,heartaches and billions of 'I miss you'.
He's going away pretty soon now and I don't know how to feel anymore.I am done being mad at him for weeks,probably months after he told me the news of his departure.I can't be sad anymore cause the more I think about it,the more unhealthy I think it would be.So in all my pretense of trying to assure him that I'll get over it,I am actually,secretly,feeling like being abandoned all over again.
17 months of love,pain,joy and probably a pinch of depression later,we are putting our relationship on a hiatus.Somehow or rather,in between the two years we're apart,I'm pretty sure thoughts and feelings may develop or diminish. Hmmn..
I'm keeping my mind open on long-distance relationship but hey,if its meant to be,its meant to be,huh?

Even if it doesn't work out in the end due to existing,or future existing issues,I don't think I ever regret anything that I have share and experienced with my boyfriend.
He had the balls and guts to smother me with affection and patience and God bless him,he's a sweetheart underneath those unmatchable exterior.

My family has been extremely hard to deal with but only time will tell.
His family on the other hand,is so accepting of me.
I wish I could split myself into two and make both party happy.

There goes my life story,hahahaha.
I can't think of anything else to add on.
Till then.

Love,Appreciate.

Warmth

2011-10-26T01:18:00.002+08:00

The feeling when my boyfriend smiles at me from afar,
when he runs to me from a friend who wanted a hug and came to hold me by the waist instead,
when he wakes up from a short sleep,
the smell of him sweaty from work,reeking of tiredness and warmth,
the feeling when he said; "please don't leave me when I go away.."
you know what it feels like?
Like a hundred pins tugging the inside of my heart,a feeling of wholesome and contentment.
I genuinely love my boyfriend,and I don't wish to see us fall apart again.
I promise myself this.
Love,appreciate(while you still can).

Stagnant but the little things moving ahead.

2011-09-14T14:52:00.002+08:00

I spent the whole day and night with my beloved yesterday after he finished work at three.
We had lunch,walked about,had some shut eye and went to grab late night supper and I was home happy,contented and loved.
After promptly discussing life together perhaps in a few years time(if its fated),and that would be after years of him in Jeddah,we'll plan on getting hitched.
After stabilizing ourselves financially and buying our self a home than perhaps..
I don't know what to feel,sometimes.He's done so much for me and I am a never ending problem for him.hahaha.
But always,coming from him is; "I love you even though you're a bipolar." -.-
Hahahaha.
Ah well.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s: In prioritizing and importance.

With love.

2011-09-13T12:54:00.002+08:00

Howdy-doo. :)
Been a while since I last posted something.Seems so dead.
But to all the regular readers,kudos to you.

A quick update with my life,well.
Work has been great,most of my colleagues are musically oriented and I enjoy the chillaxing moments with guitars and doing nothing but sing.
Friends wise,I'm only in touch with a few.Most I couldn't give a fuck about.
Not that I don't want to,just I'm too tired most days anyway.

And the love of my life(currently),I can't go on a day without fighting with him but still be in love.

Hahahahaahah.

We've come a long way from nothing to something. Its been a year and a month,and honestly,it hasn't been smooth sailing.Probably hellish at times but worth all the tears,sadness and anger.

And thinking about how certain situation has been for some of my mates and their partners,

I am more than thankful I have somebody who loves me the way I am,who keeps asking if I love him every single day of the week and who still buys me chocolates even after gaining more than a few kilos!
And with that being said,with all the scruffy kisses and warm hugs;

My beloved,I love you and someday,I hope and pray every single day that we end up together and make lotsa babies!
To haters,fuck off.
To others,howdy-doo.

Love,Appreciate.
P.s: I busted my ass to save my boat,fought all the temptaions and it brought us closer.What have you done?

Changes;in an instant.

2011-06-09T00:59:00.003+08:00

Hey.
I wouldn't bother asking how you've been cause I obviously don't know who is reading anyway,but,for courtesy's sake yeah, 'how you guys doing?
ANYWAYS (-.-);
I am officially starting my probation in 7 and a half hours or so as a staff in my ward.
Orientation is over,I've gotten my first pay and life's pretty dandy.
Except for certain people making life hard for me at work,but besides that,all is alright.
Basically,I know for a fact that I have not posted anything for a really long time and despite being lazy and busy all at the same time;I thought of logging in here really quick just to say that I have an amazing boyfriend.
And that knowing we're coming to a year of being in a relationship excites me cause we have gone through multiple of hiccups in a relationship yet we're still together up till today.
The best bit of my relationship with my every dearest would be today.
On a normal basis,at 7 in the morning,to what I know,he would be asleep.
But on 8th June,he texted me and he came to send me grilled cheese and ham/chicken bits sandwiches.
To top it off,he even send me to work.
Yeah,but nice memories are always cut short cause just about 10 minutes ago,he made me question my place in in his life.
Fuck.yeah. hahaha. __
Oh well,it was nicer when things are better.
Toodles then.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:I ask myself the same thing.

Continuity.

2011-05-17T23:21:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm a thunderstorm.

On most typical days,I'll keep myself and smile when I need to.
But on other days,I'll be upbeat and on the ball;crazy.

Well anyways,I have already started work.
It is my third week and I am already posted into my ward.I don't really enjoy much on the tutorials,cause it is basically the theory based learning I've been through for the past two years in school but being in the ward,I'm telling you,it is a big deal.
I have encountered plenty different people.
Some old,some new and definitely an eye opener.
And being in this uniform has given me a lot of privileges and I am proud of where I stand today.
I never thought I could make it this far in life and I have my better half a phone call away for me to lean on after his and my long day.
It is a mixture of feeling exhausted and satisfied.Like I have accomplished something.
And besides,everyday is a learning experience.
I don't have much to post on my blog these days cause every time I get into Blogger,I can't find the right words to type out but today is exceptional.Probably just a sneak preview on how I'm doing.hehe.
My friends whose been with me up till now has given abundant of support and even though they are mostly not there for me physically,I know that they are always for me.
I may sometime take their absence as their way of abandoning me at times of need but you can't necessarily put the blame on me cause all my life,people has been coming in and out of my life like open doors.I was just trying to anticipate when they would be following the foot steps of others.But I know better than that now.If I don't allow it,they will always be there..

My family has been great too,but as per normal,I am being a terrible daughter.haha.I have not been helping much at home cause I am either too tired or I am just being busy on the computer.
But things are well in case you are wondering.

And lastly,my boyfriend and I are coming close to a year now..
Time is ticking way too fast and it feels like we only met a week ago.haha.
He has been my bested friend and my worst enemy but either ways,I can never imagine what would life be if I hadn't met him almost a year ago.
He has been my pillar of strength,one of the many reason why I want to wake up every morning and even though he kills me softly with his short fuse of a temper,his apologies and reasoning always makes up for the fiery episode.I have come close to giving up in our relationship but always,always,I take back those thoughts away cause even though he isn't the kind of man I want to be with or more to say,now what I had wished for,he is my everything.
For every person,has its flaws and I have accepted him for his past and for the person he has become today.
What I want to prioritize now is to support my family,parents and earn enough money to travel the world and have a family with hopefully my boyfriend of now than make a couple of young kids to continue the future generation..
I hope I have enough time to do it.
And now I got to go.Take care all.
I will come and update when I can yeah folks.
Toodles.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s: Even the last finishes its course.

My girls.

2011-04-19T23:30:00.002+08:00

A couple of days ago I finally get to meet my favorite girls,Farhana as per normal wasn't around.
We went to get brunch,hang out-talked,had dinner and hang out some more.
It was a really nice get together before I start my job.
Something to ease my mind from the regular hiccups in life.
Besides,with nothing else to do at home,meeting them had been great.
And just a while ago,I went to meet Mari again to get hand phone charger from her cause mine had to cause problems today. FML.
Sometimes,I look back and I wonder how would life be without my friends.
Just look at today,I was desperate for a hand phone charger and than one came and offered hers.
How sweet. (Awwwh,baby. -Mari) Hahaahahaha.
When there are few whom you can depend on,life truly becomes meaningful.
Well,thats all that I have to say.hahaha.
Till then.
Take care all.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s: Make use of this one chance in life.

Whats your story?

2011-04-18T01:09:00.002+08:00

I am staying up waiting for my boyfriend to give me a call.Probably on his way home,probably he doesn't give a fuck but hey,whatever.haha. He has spent a week with me before he went back to his old work place,and during which,he brought me along with him and introduced me to everyone he's worked with. It was a nice exposure,cause finally,I get to see his friends.Most of them anyway. Than finally got to have a proper sit-down and have a conversation moment with his mom. Bahahaha,you wouldn't imagine how my nerves wobbled.I always have a panic attack when I have to go over to his place and bond with his family.I personally don't mind,but I am naturally awkward being in the position whereby its my first time dating-being in a serious relationship with someone and I will just shut the fuck up unless being asked a question. Oh well,that aside,I am currently doing fine and I have gained probably 100 over kilos since graduation.I have been going out almost every other day,hanging out and just kept the cigarettes at bay all the time. But it won't be long now till I start work at the hospital. Full-time,I don't believe myself.haha. I told myself to take a break and here I am in this position whereby I am going to get paid on every 25th with unknown allowances and being fucking tired almost every other day cause of work. Which would also mean,lesser time with my family,friends and boyfriend. I have to actually convince myself that it is time to actually work and give the dough to my parents in exchange of being brought up by them for almost 20 good years yet still feeling like I'm always being left out at home.I don't care so much about the 'being left out at home' part,its just that I have friends with either great family support or in a really messed up situation but I am in neither position.I have all the necessities and I don't know when is the right time to ask for more than just enough.It is just not my nature even though I crave the feeling of being whole,as a family.And I don't have any idea what I'm talking about,so just screw it. An on impulse moment. So at 01:36,my boyfriend just gave me a call.He's home,awwwwh. hahahaha. Whatever,so I was saying I'm going to get employed real soon and I am looking forward to it and I am going to give all I have in my power and dedicate my life and time for my job. I don't exactly hate what I'm doing but its the people that makes working life difficult sometimes. I was in a position whereby my eyes witness all kinds of human behaviour and I truly appreciate the moments God has given me cause it has made me more aware,in a sense. And besides,I have one ultimate goal at the end of the day,or make it two. I want to have a personal revolution where in both worlds;the now and the after, I have somewhere and something to fall back on. That is all that I have in mind. Ok,before I type out any more nonsensical rants,I better go off and do some Internet surfing while waiting for my boyfriend to call me up again to tell me how his day went. Take care all. Love,appreciate. P.s: How long is forever when sometimes its cut short for some?

Already laid.

2011-03-29T00:04:00.003+08:00

I am out of school,unemployed and getting fatter by the day. How much I love my life. hahaha. But my nephew's here for a week now and like I've said to the few people,Zafran's like a ball. He's rolling all over the house and causing me to have a pretty bad back ache since 6 years now. hahaha. But I love him nonetheless. I haven't had the chance to come up with any plan for the next couple of months except to hang out a lot with my CP crew and I'm sexcited! Anyways,I've not seen my boyfriend for exactly a week today. It sucks but I am looking forward to spend the weekend with him hopefully. He's been working and working and working and yet,his pay still sucks and its sucking the life out of him.But he seems to enjoy all the hiatus of his career life. I just hope it wouldn't affect his health. And when he's so busy working,I hope he finds the time to at least think about me,or love me a lot better the next time he sees me.bahahaha! I am waiting for the release of result on poly intake this coming April 1st and than we'll see whats the next best option for my life. I just want to spend the remaining months doing good you know,for my life in the after. Who knows if we'll meet again,and I want to see and be able to recognize my loved ones when the time comes for us to be seized at the final day. So my routine at home now is wake up,collect the soiled laundry and dry them out when they're washed,clean up the house and look after my baby nephew.Apart from that,I do nothing more than that.haha.

But anyways,for now,I just wish I have more time with my boyfriend.

I can't wait to canoodle with him,finally.

It has been a while since we lay intertwined not caring for the world.

Just talking about probable events in our lives and sharing the love.

Breathing together harmoniously and sleeping like we belonged to each other.

I just hope he wouldn't ruin his own plans,yet again.

But lets just say I'll remain hopeful anyway.

With much love and a lot less to say,

Toodles.

Love.Appreciate!

P.s:A questionable together.

Ajar.

2011-03-15T20:30:00.002+08:00

It has been a while since I last blogged.Well,I have been alright.
Surviving.
There is no escaping the constant life turbulences but it has been manageable.
I am probably having the apex of my time and for a long time now,and I am nothing but at peace with myself.
I am graduating or passing out of school this coming Friday and it is still questionable on what I would be doing next.
It is in between having a career or pursuing my studies.
I just have to wait till April 1st to get a confirmation if I have a place in poly or else I would RE-APPLY my job application to work as an enrolled nurse.
*sighs deeply*
I still think about my life-long ambition but I know better than to screw up what I have laid out in front of me than to pursue on something uncertain.
This stupid little voices keeps chanting "you only live once,so might as well just try."
But it wouldn't be so easy,and if I were to talk some sense and think rationally,I would spend more than 5 years to figure my life out yet again.
I am in a dilemma of my own life path.
I can't talk it out to anybody without anyone judging and trying to sort my sorry life out for me.
I need a passive listener and at the same time,ruling out the factors on why I should or should not go on with my undying dream.
I still think about it sometime,but obviously,I know I would be rash on making a decision for my own.
Anyways,generally I am well.
Or so I think.
Things with boyfriend is good too I guess.I haven't been seeing him since Friday and I do miss him but at this point we're at,I couldn't give a fuck anymore.
Its not that I don't love him anymore,but I did all I could I guess.Or maybe just not enough.
I am too tired to care when he doesn't put in enough effort to feel the same and the best part of all this shenanigans,he realizes,he knows,he acknowledges on how much of an ass he's been.
Neglecting me and my feelings.
I had a conversation with Mari last night when she came over to hang out at my place,
she; "Back when he's still trying to court me,we're up talking till 5 in the morning and now,its 'baby,I'm tired I'm going to sleep now." -on about her own boyfriend.
And I agreed.
But I can't totally blame my boyfriend for his lack of affection.
Since he's done with NS life and found a career for himself,it has been tougher for him than it is for me.
His life depends on the money he's earning from his job which requires more than 12 hours of work with 2 days off.
And during his off days is the days we would meet.sometimes,once in a week.
I am trying my hardest to understand him in ways a girlfriend should but it gets overwhelming when every fucking day you keep reminding him you love him and on a good day his reply would be "I love you too" via text messaging and most times,only just a phone call when he gets home,when I'm about to go to bed.
On a good day,he would call me somewhere in between his working hours but normally,when my eyes are almost closing for bed,thats when he does.
And I have been staying up to wait for him to come home everyday,worrying for his ass if he's eaten his meals,his medications and when things gets rough between us,he keeps saying I don't give a fuck about him.He's always assuming and it challenges my patience.
I don't want things to get mroe fucked up if I express myself entirely so most of the times,I just bottle it up and let it set in my gut.And trust me,there is almost no more room left for anymore bullshit.
I just hope for better days;
and maybe,just maybe,if I get a job,things between us would make more sense.
I would think about him a lot lesser.
I am happy,but sometimes,Im just not.
Till then.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I don't want you to think that I'm always going to be there,only time will tell now.

"I have faith in you." -Him

2011-02-06T19:10:00.003+08:00

(My boyfriend.)

Why hello there everyone,it has been a very long break and I had my share of ups and downs since the holidays.It is both emotional yet very 'educational' in a sense.

There was a family crisis,or maybe a teeny tiny one and I won't happen to get another nephew or niece apparently.But apart from this,I think everyone worked hand in hand and gave each other the silent support that all of us needed and I don't think I have ever felt that kind of connection with my family and relatives.

It has been an indeed eventful holiday.

I have learnt a lot about myself and a lot more on the "what ifs".

Anyways,life has been generally great.I am trying to get to get back to my roots,religion wise.

I think its about time.I am trying to open up my heart and be more accepting to everything that is going on around me.I don't think spirituality should be messed around with.

I am not a saint,nor am I an insolent.

But these things takes time,I am hopeful that I would change for the better and my boyfriend does the same too.

Speaking of boyfriend,I haven't physically seen him for 5 days now.

Normally,I would sulk and be a proper bitch but I think its time I grow u and just keep reminding him I miss him.

He's been pretty sweet lately,and I don't know if its a cover for something he's done but lets all hope he's being genuine.

I had a conversation with my mom about my boyfriend and I think she has come to terms with my choice.With that being said,I informed the boyfriend and he said maybe she's given us her blessings.

Cause obviously,he has proved to my parents that he is able to take care of me and that he is a responsible man despite the fact that he can be a pain in my ass-neck.

But given more time,and after endless reminders,I am pretty sure that he would mature and become someone who respects me in his life,his mom and step dad,become a great brother and a caring friend to all.

I am done being all over him to show him I care,but that doesn't mean I stopped loving him.

I just don't want to shadow him anymore.

If he thinks I'm good enough,he wouldn't mind showing me off to his friends and hold me in public like he's afraid of losing me.

I think we're both scared,but Im not anymore.

I am just waiting for his flow..

He means everything to me but from now on,I'm going to do things his way.

If he is showing half as much of a concern or if he gives a fuck about us,I'll just copy him.

No point going the extra mile when the other party's only doing a quarter.

So,anyways..

A person from my childhood has secretly came back into my life! :D

He's asked me out for dinner when we're both free sometime and I actually agreed.

But I warned him,not as a date but as friends.

I reminded him that I am seeing someone and his reply was vague,

"well..does it even matter?Its just a date.." And his persistence is capturing.

I am scared of myself.

On my inability to control my messed up head-mind.hahaha.

I just hope I won't get drowned twice.

Besides,I already ave a boyfriend,right?

Ah well,till then.

Take care all.

Loves.Appreciate!

P.s:Maybe sometime this year,but you want to prove my friends you're better.

Standing up again.

2011-01-31T23:51:00.002+08:00

(That underneath the "I hate you" I always verbalize to my boyfriend,truth is,

I only love him even more..)

I've not met my boyfriend for almost 4 days and despite it being almost midnight in a couple of minutes,he is coming over to meet me just to bring me out to eat.Hohoho.
More like I am going out to keep him company since he hasn't eaten at all since morning.

He was home the whole day today sleeping away while I was in the ward.

Besides,I'm waiting for Monty to come over.

She's gonna come for a sleep-over.Hahaha.

But I think its still pending.

Anyways,I am having a lot of fun for CP.

All thanks to Faiqah-MY HONEY!

She has made this posting an enjoyable one.

She has motivated me to bring out the best nursing care for my patient and how to be productive in the ward.

Its just a bummer that she's not in the same shift as me :(

HAHAHA.

So,last night I went online before I went to bed and I was chatting up with Kane.

He was so adorable setting up a MSN account for me and it was really flattering really.

But we ended up back in Yahoo cause it wasn't easy for him to get used to MSN layout I suppose.

With that being said,my childhood crush I had when I was 12 has recently added me up on FB.

8 years later and an apology for apparently 'mistreating' me and an invitation to go out for a coffee or a meal someday is actually kind of sweet.

Hahahaha.I had the shock of my life,I thought he was some random dude who likes adding people on FB but when I asked him who he was,he sent me an inbox message with my naive childhood story creeping back up again.

Lol!

It is very emotional for me,more than anything and I feel like tearing up with joy.

At least someone from my past bothers to come up to me and say such things.

I am actually smiling with joy now. HOHOHO.

Well I got to go now.
Need to wait up for my dearest boyfriend!

Hehehehe.

Take care all,

Love,Appreciate!

P.s:Walk to the past with me.

Content but exhausted.

2011-01-25T19:55:00.004+08:00

I can't emphasize enough on how much I love my boyfriend even when I'm in the most unpredictable of mood swings.hoho.

He's given me a good reason on why I want things to work out even though deep inside,I am trying to find reasons on giving up.

But he's changed my mind,I'm just looking forward for the best for our relationship and that eventually we'll end up with each other lawfully.

I guess when it comes to family matters,its a mutual decision.

Lets hope neither of us is going to screw things up.

So lately,I have been extremely tired.I don't know whats wrong.

It is affecting my Clinical Posting attachment.

I don't blame my nephew for the sleep-over cause I am more than happy look after him.

Ah well,I hope I suck it up.

Now,I need to go get ready.

Going to meet Mon in a bit.Got to buy myself a new pair of shoe.Hohoho.

Till then,

Take care all.

Love,Appreciate!

P.s: I want to be at least good enough for you,and everyone else.

Normality

2011-01-13T23:52:00.002+08:00

"When there is no explainable reason why."

My previous post is pretty much non-existent now,but I am going to leave it there for remembrance's sake.
Yes,I had a humongous fight with the man whose made me a much happier person and yes,
we broke up.
But realizing my mistake before it was too late and knowing that he wasn't ready to let go solved most of the bad.
I am back with my ever so lovely boyfriend.
We are pretty much back to normal again,probably more closer than before.
Last Saturday,we went fishing and we brought his little brother out till late.It was fun.His little brother is as sarcastic and cheeky just like his brother.I was entertained by his antics and we laughed while trying to manipulate the toy helicopter against the force of the wind.
We ate chips,drank some water,had dinner together,laid on the canvas and talked like I belonged to their family.
It was a nice warm feeling.
And it didn't matter that my boyfriend didn't manage to catch anything that evening.
Anyways,the following day,he finally met the rest of my family.
My baby boy Zafran,included!
Farah's brother got married last week and I thought of making him tag along with my parents in the car which he did.I hoped and prayed so hard that things wouldn't suck and thankfully,everybody got along with each other.He even met my aunt,uncle and cousins.
Hohoho.
My family seems accepting of him,his career and the way he is but maybe its too soon to say?
But he did leave a pretty good impression,no negative comments were spoken.
I'm glad.
Anyways,I've started my clinical posting again last Monday.
It was tough for the first few days cause I wasn't getting much sleep cause of my nephew but subsequently,I think we all(my CP mates) are adapting to the routinely job.
This afternoon,I went back to school to apply for the paramedic's course.I was just trying my luck.I am also going to apply for a place in poly,and getting my employment form filled out this weekend.
Basically,I am giving myself three options and when the 'time' comes,I'll choose one of the best out of the three.I told my CP lecturer about it,she didn't exactly say no but she told me to do what I think is best and suitable.
I could only agree with her.
My boyfriend wasn't keen with my idea but he said he'll try and be as supportive anyway.
I hope he doesn't gloat when I start to complain.haha.
Ah well,got to go get some shut eye now.
Take care all.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Where the fuck were you guys when I was here trying to reach you?Yes,I'm disappointed.

Heartbreak.

2011-01-07T04:00:00.004+08:00

I broke his heart and I broke mine twice as much.
I said the words that I never thought I would before,so I got on a cab at a little past one in the morning just to send his stuffs back and I wondered why I couldn't wait till tomorrow.
The ring I got accustomed to wearing is now with him,on his little finger.
He tried to put them back on me but I refused to play along with him.
Words were spoken and I replied with the shrug of the shoulder.
"Do you still love me?"
-"Yes."
-"Do you still want to be with me?"
-"No."
- "why?"
-"Its for the best.I'm done making you pissed,angry.I will never change."
-"*snigger's*I've been in the position before,look at me now."
- "I know myself."
-"You will change with age."
-Silence.
He held on to me in the cold night,refusing to part.
I kept looking ahead,kept assuring myself,comforting myself that it is what I want,it is for the best of both worlds.
I do still love him,but if its fate,we'll let it decide.
"Wednesday" He said,he wanted a decision from me.
"If you love me,why are you doing this to me?"
- "I don't know."
- Silence.
He offered to send me home and when I declined politely,again he kept on saying "there must be someone else!" and I wish he could see that I'm not the kind every typical guy would go for and I know I should consider myself lucky to have someone who truly care and love me for who and what I am all about but I am just a wrong excuse for him to love.I am nobody in everyone's eyes.
I wanted to part. A break up.
He asked for a hug before we parted but I got on a cab and left anyway,but I kept looking back to see him get smaller with the distance.
How much I miss him..
And at this hour,at the comfort of my own home,after the brief conversation over the phone,I realize I don't think I can go on without him in my life.
He asked if he could still get a goodnight kiss and I said sure.
He asked if he could still text or call me and I said sure.
He asked if I was still his girlfriend and I said no.
And at this moment,his words still lingers;
"So these five,six months of us together is going down the drain?Just like that?"
-"No.Its going to be a memory for me to keep."
-"You think its easy to forget?Forget you?How hard it was for me to have you in my life?Please,I really love you.I don't want to let you go.How now?"
- Shrugs my shoulder and sighs.
-"I'll let you go and think about it.I love you.."
-silence.
I am convincing myself that this is for the best,but what is the best?
I am in a rut and where's my friends when I need them..
It doesn't matter,I will make it through this like I have done so for the past 19 years.
I will keep moving on.
And soon,a decision will be made.
P.s:I still love you.

Going and gone.

2010-12-29T03:03:00.002+08:00

- Three days and its going to be 2011.-

I feel both optimistic and scared about the new year,what awaits me and all.

My future.
Another year come and it goes by so fast.I was enjoying year 2010,or still are technically.
It has been a better year than the ones I've had since I can remember.
I knew my friends better,deeper but my doubts radar are still high.
I met my boyfriend and he has given me many reasons why I want to wake up each day.
I realize that there is no point hating my family because the word 'family' speaks for itself.
But I am still figuring out my life.
Maybe that is what My life is about.
-To experience on impulse,making irrational decisions and learning from mistakes.
-To try and do what comes my way or do what I think is right for me.My life.
Just maybe that is how great it would have been.
As of now,though I still worry bout what my future has in store for us,I am trying to live my remaining days as much as possible.
I think and look back on my past sometimes,wondering what I could have or shouldn't have done but it doesn't matter anymore now cause at present is what is important.
So speaking of the New Year,I will or I hope to be welcoming it with my lovely boyfriend,Mari,Azyan and whoever who can make it.We are not planning to go where the people traffic are,or the typical countdown to pyrotechnics.Instead,I hope it would be an intimate chill together till late and talk about the possibilities of life and hang out kind of day out.
I want it to be a great day,I want to make it a great day.I don't want to be late,I hope I won't be.haha.And till then,or after that,whatever happens will happen.
Anyways,lately,the people I know from my past crept back up into my life.
Like three wee-morning ago at about 5,I met Arief.I knew him from My Chemical Romance concert about 2 years ago and we hang out with others a couple of times before.He is doing good with his life so far.He told me how he is trying to be successful in life and he is doing it for himself and for his future wife.He is getting married next year(God's willing) and at the moment,happily engaged to a beautiful lady.I hope all goes well for him.
And than Adam,Grace's ex called me up two afternoon's ago.I had the shock of my life cause we were never really that close before.He called to update me on his new contact info and exchanged mutual "how have you been doing so far?" questions and told each other to keep in touch.
Come to think of it,it was actually kind of nice to know that at least someone still remember who I was.
With all this being said,despite my monthly mood change due to some *hormonal imbalance*,
I am pretty ecstatic with how life is turning up for me.
I don't have a perfect family,my boyfriend and I are always driving each other up the wall,my friends can't always be there but my family is always right there behind me when I'm in deep shit,my boyfriend is the man I want to settle down with eventually cause he has put up with me till this far and he could've left me but he's still staying cause I know he loves me and I love him to bits and my friends,well I know I can count on them eventually when the world has its back turned towards me.
So till then,Goodnight all.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:I wish every night was ours.

As long as its meant to be.

2010-12-21T00:43:00.003+08:00

*I had my Mc Nuggets and I had them with Mari earlier tonight.*
haha.

Well I must say this term's holiday has been really eventful.

Since my nephew was born,since my boyfriend came along and since time has moved by so fast.

I spent my weekend with the few close people I regard as family.

First,I sent Mari's family off at the airport on Friday;their destination?

KOREA and its winter there!Cool or what,and take it as the literal question too.haha!

Than,I went to Zee's family chalet with the boyfriend,Mari,Ady and Wawan during the weekends.

We gathered,ate,played UNO stacko,talked and shared splendid good times till about three in the morning.

It was one of those days I don't think I will forget in the near future cause it marks a day where everyone important to me was at one place,in one time.

And I certainly had a ball.

Anyways,there has been hiccups in my relationship with the boyfriend and it is making me a little upset.Its nothing got to do with us.

Just a premature disapproval and it is crushing my hopes.

But I am going to prove myself that if it is meant to work out,with regards of the approval of anyone else that mattered,it just will.

So I'm going at it slowly,with my chin up hoping that the perspectives of others is going to diminish,slowly.

Well,I have been chatting with the Jerk Ass.He's being a dick as always and I just don't get it why he keeps talking to me despite the mutual insults.

But I'm glad we are in touch after so many months,he is something different.

Something I would want to include in my future,as my so called soul-mate in friendship.

He backs me up with insulting words that turn my sadness to anger towards him.Basically,diverting my attention away from what is bothering me.

I think that is his intention anyway.Hahaha.

Well,I'm going to meet my fellow nursing classmates tomorrow.

We're heading to Sentosa for a good,memorable time!

I hope its going to be a good sunny day.

And I hope my boyfriend's family is going to have a good time in India.

Take care all,

toodles.noodles.

Love,Appreciate.

P.s:Late night phone-call with Mok.

When surrendering..

2010-12-16T01:32:00.003+08:00

I have a couple of things I want to say and get done with;

I think I am going to steal a pack of cigarettes belonging to my Chot since he's away for his National Service,finally becoming a man.A responsible one.
I need to unvirgin my hair,probably add some colour and get it treated like never before.
My mom has been home for almost a week now and she's still being a mom.
Apparently I get a couple of dollars each day for getting the chores at home done
-Means I don't necessarily have to find myself a job to get myself entertained.
My tummy doesn't feel right this week.
I saw my dream come alive and I'm terrified not because I am scared,but because after every dream I am coming to an end.
I don't want to part with my boyfriend but some choices has to be made.
I think I am going to have my period and it better come quick.
Pretending to not be affected and trying my best of effort to smile.
Dad has a sore neck.
This house is awfully lonely and cold.
And I miss my fat-cranky nephew.

So those are the couple of things which I need to high-light mostly to myself.I told Su the other night after we attended Santha's birthday party that I am not addicted to nicotine but I think I told the facts wrong.I think I am and I seriously think it is affecting my health.But nonetheless,I refuse to surrender and I don't understand why I am being stupid when the obvious is slapping me in the face.I am going to die in the hands of cigarettes eventually.Anyways,I took a good look at myself in the mirror yesterday and not that there is anything good to say but I feel like giving myself a change.Something new,something unrecognizable and perhaps lose some pounds.I got exercise tips from the Jerk Ass(I finally get to chat with him for one full day and I think what we have is the weirdest of friendship).Well,mom is finally home! I am ecstatic and being a mom that she is,she never change and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world even with her imperfections and flaws.Anyways,Saha gave me a call earlier tonight and offered me a job.It sounded very appealing by working almost everyday for 12 hours,at Toa Payoh but I am having doubts,the boyfriend doesn't sound keen though he did say it was up to me.More dosh,less time with boyfriend.I can deal with that,or not.haha.When he called me tonight,he told me about the possibility of him going over to some other parts of the world to work and I didn't know if I should stop him or let him chase his dream.Be a supportive girlfriend.Well,my immediate reaction was a bit of both,here's what I said; "Go ahead,but we'll have to break up."
He asked me why and I told him cause I didn't want to be back here at home and worry about his sick ass and besides,theres no way my anxious mind will stop assuming the worst case scenarios.He told me that this issue was going to be a pending discussion when he meets me and we'll see how it goes.
Anyways,yesterday after we went to Chinatown-Little India-Bugis to get his stuffs,I went over to his house and finally I met the whole "chain-gang". Hahaha. His aunt was really nice and sweet and his younger siblings are very welcoming.His mom?Quiet,but acknowledged me as "his girlfriend".
I don't know if there is a future for us together,but I am settling for now,what we have at present.It is good enough.
Well,dad has a sore neck and he walks like a robot now.Its funny but painful to watch at the same time.And Zafran,your aunt here sorely miss you.Come over quick.Have a sleep-over or something.I love you.
Till then,goo night all.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:I believe in trying.

Wasted.

2010-12-02T22:55:00.002+08:00

I can't fucking wait for my holidays;
A break,finally.
I'm done trying to concentrate in class when I keep falling asleep anyway.
But hey,the times I had in class this time round is kind of bitter sweet.
Everyone kind of got along and its surprising.
Enough of school,I'm not enjoying myself anywaybut thank God for my girls being around!
People come and go,I'm through with the phase.
If friendship lasts,Thank God! If not,fuck it.We need to move on,time wait for nobody.
If I want to talk about friendship,the only one I depend and rely on is the one I have with Monty.
No doubt she has broken my heart too many times,broken too many promises but its just hard to stay away from each other for too long.She is like my better half when I'm feeling like fuck.She slaps me hard with words on my reality and I do the same when she needs a shoulder to lean on.I think God created her for many reasons and one of them is to be there for me.
We have a love-hate friendship but I wouldn't know what to do if she is not present in my life.
So,well,my mom is coming back in a week's time.
I am ecstatic,at least there is someone to accompany me to sleep yet again.
I miss her so much!
So.lately,I have been thinking about the past time that has made me become the person I am today.The people I have met in life,the self-inflicted trouble I got myself into and the many times I refused to smile.
I miss the times when I go out with a friend or two and grab a beer,the times I kissed someone out of impulse-during a dare,the times I almost fought with a friend,the times I lost someone particularly close in my life.I am glad I have left those days way behind me,but sometimes,I can't refuse to miss it.
I miss the impulsive side of things,of life,of me.I think we shouldn't just let things come naturally,the rush is when you try and pursue something.
Besides,I can only live for so long,I don't want to pass on not doing the things I wanted to do.
I wish forever was a reality.
I don't want to degenerate too soon,I don't want to 'live' in memories of others.
I don't know where my senses are currently but I wish at this moment,I was invisble and I had the ability to fly and be wherever I want to be.
I miss myself more than anyone and I wish I loved myself a little more each day.
Its just not happening that way.
Well,I got to go and get ready to meet the boyfriend.
He's cranky today but I hope it won't ruin tonight.
Till then,while I find a piece of sanity for myself,
Take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I want myself to extend a little but further than now.

A week away

2010-11-27T16:55:00.002+08:00

A week more before school ends,before I sit down and take my exams,before I go for my final attachment in hospital,before I say goodbye to my classmates,and my girls who have always been there for me.
It is both exciting and upsetting.A mix feeling of everything right and wrong.
The past weeks in school has been fulfilling,though I am lacking behind in my studies.I relate to those I had never really spoken to before,I tried to be understanding and I tried to have an empathic side.If there is anything I could say before I permanently don't see my classmates anymore,I would say thanks for the silly little memories as friends.
Anyways,I have not seen my boyfriend for almost a week now.I didn't get to meet him when he had his day off from work cause he claimed to be unwell.
I hope to spend the whole day/night out with him like what we had planned and I hope it would be soon.He was accepted on a new job offer and he seems pretty stoked about it.
I shared his joy when he told me over the phone yesterday.He starts the new job next week.
Which means,no long hair,no goatee but probably more time with me.hahahaha.
We'll see how.
So,Its been almost two weeks since my mom went to Haj.I am doing alright taking over her work after school.The only thing which bugs me is my brother's attitude of taking me for granted.Cause they would leave their dirty laundry for me to put away,leave food stained plated and stack them high on the sink when they could have done it themselves.That is the only part that pisses me off but above all else,I think I'm alright.I just can't cook on my own without looking at recipe yet.That I need to practise.
Anyways,I was at Mari's place cause he mom cooked us some food yesterday with Zee,Far and Hatta.Food was nice,it made my perspective on Hor Fun a good one eventually and while walking home to the bus stop with Zee and Far,I happened to take a whiff in the surrounding air and A familiar scent caught me by surprise.
It was Seb's perfume.
I don't know what I am trying to say but maybe,it is just impossible to get the little things about someone we used to care about out of our head.Out of our system.Sometimes their actions suddenly come rushing through your head,and you wish it would stop cause you want to stop yourself from hating them.
Pardon me,I have no clue on what I'm saying.hahaha.
At this moment,I wish my boyfriend would walk out from work just to see me,but I know it won't happen.haha.
I just miss snuggling under his pits and if I could,I would have get myself drowned in his body scent.How our legs would intertwine and watch TV in bed,how I lay my head on his chest and hear the sound of his heart beating.The spaces filled in between my fingers with his.The warmth of his body engulfing me.The stupid fights and the quick make up.
This is my first,and I hope my last serious relationship,and with him in my life,everything else seems complete.
Till then,take care all.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:How long can it last?

Reality of a fantasy.

2010-11-15T21:13:00.005+08:00

I had an eventful weekend.
I spent it with my Cheebs. C:
He's been an absolute sweetheart lately, coming to meet me as often as he can after a week of working straight.It was a pleasant surprise that he made an effort to spend his time with me.
So after work on Saturday,he picked me up and we went to Changi to get himself fishing rods.
We bought snacks to munch on before heading back to his place first and luckily we did cause I ended up spending 3/4 of the night with him.
So,at his place for the first time ever;
unprepared and not dressed up for it,he made me meet his parents.
-__________-
They were quite welcoming,though I should have made a little more effort by talking to them more.
But what the hell,I'm naturally shy.haha.
Than we made our way to Pasir Ris beach and I accompanied him to fish for the first time.
It was my first time following someone to fish,my first time being with someone who loves to fish.Though we did not catch anything,the time we spend together that night made it a whole lot obvious that in my harsh,cold and confusing exterior self,I have actually genuinely fallen in love with my Cheebs.In between over-coming my fears of holding on to squishy-stinky worms and enjoying the feeling,putting them on little sharp hooks and looking like a complete fool when I cast the rod,the experience made me feel emotionally closer to him.It was how patient and calm he looked and must have felt while setting up the whole equipment of fishing.
And while waiting if could have caught anything that night,we sort of exchanged unmentioned thoughts to each other through our eyes.How he looked at me differently,it was full of reason,hope,warmth and love.
When he actually fell asleep on my lap,in between my groin(hahaha) and the look he gave me when he woke up,I could have sworn at that moment,he is the man I wouldn't mind spending the remaining bit of my life with.I love every inch of my Cheebs despite our frequent bitter bickering,the bruise leaving marks after every painful bite on any part of my limbs and the "I love you" he keeps saying and I end up laughing in his face.haha. At about 4,we packed up and cycled back again to his place.
He sent me off at almost almost 5 in the morning and paid for my cab fare.
The following Sunday,he initiated to meet me up again.Initially,he planned on getting some new clothes at Bedok but we arrived a little too late,so we ended up buying groceries for his family.
Going through the different section of Fairprice and walking hand in hand with basket full of things in our other hand,looking at the range of products available,I was taken aback.
It felt like I was already married to him at that particular moment and I used to think that I would never get married.
Cause I am always doubting the fact that nobody can love anybody enough to stay monogamous.
Whatever,so anyway;
Yet again,unexpectedly,I had to meet his parents once more.His mom was nice,she tried to talk to me and somewhere beneath the hard face,she smiled at me.
At almost 11,he sent me off to my area and we talked about his past and got carried away of the timing.
It was a little past 1 in the morning when he took a cab home.
I did some thinking on my own when he left,and despite me being all doubtful and hoping for the worst on the outcome of our relationship,it is a surprise that we managed to pull through these 4 months of companion hood till now.I smile to myself when I replay the moments when he tried to make the most idiotic of faces just to see me smile,how he would comfort me when I felt like I needed a break in everything that I do,and just the way my heart gets tachy when I see him from afar.
Ah well,lets just hope that I'll have enough faith to keep it going.
Till then,with a sudden tug on my heart,
Love,Appreciate.
P.s: "At the end of the day,I know its you that I want.you are enough problem for me." -Thanks a lot!haha.

Last lap.

2010-11-13T16:20:00.002+08:00

I made a mistake in my previous post,my mom didn't departure on Thursday,she went a little bit too soon,haha.She left on early Wednesday morning and after all the slight tears and all the "take care",I'm back at home trying to keep myself occupied.
I have the most darling of all friends,they are supportive and they never make me feel like I am ever alone.
Like yesterday,Mari and Zee crashed at my place and hang out till 10.
They cooked some food,we ate together,talked shit,watched a DVD which I slept in between with my brother and his girlfriend.
I never thought of them as friends,they are equivalent to being my family.
I appreciate their existence and after a harsh wake up call in life from my class advisor yesterday,about having approximately 14 days left with each other as classmates,it broke my heart knowing I will never see them as often cause all of us will have separate life commitment.
I am the emotionless one between our group of friends,but it triggered my feelings knowing we will eventually have to part.
But knowing that if our friendship is as concrete as the ones I have with Monty and Farah,I worry less cause somehow,all of us will merge as one again someday.
I have been through the wildest of emotional rides with Mari,Zee and Far(as well as Mazi) and it would be such a waste if we forsake our friendship to our careers.
I wish all my classmates the best in life and in this uncertain life of ours,I hope they will forgive my shortcomings and the harsh words that has been lashed out of my uninsured mouth.haha.
It has been a great experience being in nursing course and lets hope I will take something from the process to my life.
My dearest Cheeb's has been there for me despite our frequent bickering,and with my mom being away,he did try to make an effort to see me.
Like on Friday,after he finished his shift,he made his way to my place and we spent a couple of hours together.He said something which made my insecurities go down my gut and it has been passed out as fart.hahaha.
He is not flawless,he looks like he needs a wardrobe evolution(just like me) but I don't mind it cause I accepted him as he is.I love every inch of that man and knowing that I would be turning 20 next year,I look forward to nothing more than being one of the important people in his life.
My family seems accepting of him since the day I voice out his name to my mother.
My chot has been teasing me and he is pretty casual about Cheeb's significance in my life.Chot keeps mentioning him when I have a conversation with him.
Speaking of Chot,he is finally getting inlisted this December and yesterday,he was pretty worried about how his own future will unfold.It was quite disturbing knowing that him being the same age as my boyfriend is still clueless at his own goals.
Just like me,I think we siblings needs time to take it down and easy at what we have to go through.
Anyways,I am counting down to the day when my mom returns.She gave me a call yesterday and she sounded calm and happy wherever she is with my aunt.She emphasized on taking care of the house and I just said I will.
The house is pretty manageable with my dad around and he has been a ball to be with.
My dad and I went to bendemeer to look for that little fat kid's stroller but nothing seems appealing enough.So we went to get foor for dinner and here I am alone at home as he went to work.
So with lots of strength and the final 2 more project to accomplish,I hope I have rather nice days.
Oh,and tonight,I will be seeing my Cheebs(the boyfriend) again. C:
Till then,take care all!
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:when your heart breaks,think about the times when you had so much joy in life.

Goodness.

2010-11-06T17:59:00.002+08:00

So I've been in school for 4 weeks and the only time I actually tried to study was only twice.
There are too many notes to go through,and this upcoming week would be both challenging and depressing.Hahahaha. Ok,Im exaggerating.
Well,I have my BCLS this Monday and Tuesday. And than there is behavioral science test on Wednesday(I think) and early Thursday morning,mom will be going away for a month and I have one less person to annoy. :C
Bahahahahahahaha.
My mom has her stuffs packed for her month away from home and I think I will miss her.But I'm not going to worry,I should be fine alone on the bed.Besides,the house is almost always going to be mine,and mine alone.
The last lap in school huh,I'm still not sure on what I want to do but I have applied for a position in 4 medical post.I'm not sure if my grades can help me go to poly or if I really want to follow my heart's desire to take up paramedics despite the advise not to from dad and my Din;
the two people who knows what they're talking about.
Lets just hope I know what I want at least by March next year.
Din is pretty glad that I have applied for a position in either hospitals,so I can save up quickly.
And speaking of Din,since he started working,I've been acting up.hahaha.
I tried to understand how his career and time constraint would be like but unfortunately it got hold of me in a not too pleasant way and it kind of triggered our relationship about last week.
I was being nasty about it and impulsively posted something mean on the famous social network.
He got home,read it and immediately called me up for some explanation on my part and the wonderful part of all is,he knew what I meant before I explained myself.Most time during the phone call,he was doing the talking while I kept silent when it was obviously my fault.bahahaha.
Here's what he said to me, "I know and I realize that I have not been texting or calling you as often,I would have,you know it,but work has been busy." and in between my "hmmmm,k,ahhh." I said "sorry." *laughing out loud*
When it was my turn to say something again,all I could breathe was, "I guess I just miss you."
and he sighed. hahahahahah.I am good at making the other party feel bad,well those with emotions at least.But honestly,having him away 6 days a week for at its worst,13 hours,I become a little insecure.With limited time to talk on the phone and two text messages if I'm unlucky(before he goes to work and when he reaches work) it makes me feel a little unwanted.Haha.
I know how being alone felt like,I lived with it in most parts of my life but when I found Din,it was a massive evolution and every time we meet on that once a week basis,I wish he didn't have to go.But I'll be ok,I hope I'm in his mind as much as he is in mine.
My family has been really annoying as of late and mom keeps pestering me on how Din looked like,whats he working as,where does he live and is he a nice person. -_______-
If he wasn't I wouldn't even want to hang out with him in the first place.
So wish me luck on these redundant upcoming tests and life obstacles.
I wish the best for 'yours' too. Toodles.
Love,appreciate!
P.s:I tried to let go as much as I could,but held on tightly just in case.

Sudden beginning,no ending

2010-10-17T19:02:00.002+08:00

A week has past in school and there is already tremendous amount of workload.
There is a stack of notes for only a week and I have 8 more weeks to go!
Oh my not so holy self! hahahaha.
But I am enjoying myself,knowing it is my last lap before I continue to be on the quest of my mysterious life. -________-
I am still considering paramedics as well as pursuing nursing in poly(if my grades allows me to) and than do something totally out of the medical field.bahahahaha!
I need to consult my inner voice further in this next couple of months left.
Anyways,continuing about school,I have no problems(yet) about the subjects except for behavioral science.I know I always rub the particular lecturer the wrong way sometimes but,that is not the case.
It is just that I don't enjoy the long,elaborate information on the study of an individual mental health.
My brain gives up automatically and I start to stone off. bahahahahaha.
I need to build up interest for the sake of getting the acceptable range of grades and to prove my family I actually am learning something after almost two years of being in nursing school and that it is totally worth it of their money.
Oh well anyways,
My Din got himself a job in some German bistro and he's working lame long hours until the night.I've not seen him in ages(chey! haha) and I miss him truckloads muchos.He told me it is tiring but he's enjoying himself which is good.I hope he doesn't forget me,bahahahaha!
After weeks and weeks of being so close to each other,I find it uncomfortable knowing that he is out there working,trying to save up money for his family,himself and his future.He is so driven and I envy him.I wish I had more guts,glory and perseverance to have the motivation to get myself a job to earn extra bucks for my sorry ass.hahahaha.
But thats ok,my career path will unfold before my eyes in no time,lets hope so.
Anyways,I think I have been very care-less towards my friends these days,I keep trying to distant myself,just like a loner does.haha.
I go to school,don't result to smiling at anyone and eventually towards the end of the day,I will only then speak. -.-
My apologies guys,I just happen to have a case of low self-esteem issue.The weekend did help me to boost up some 'extragloria'(nope I don't think the word exist,haha!) in me and lets all hope I'll treat you guys differently,in a more upbeat-crazy self that I always present myself with on a normal basis.
I love you my friends,I do.I just have some undiagnosed mental problem.hahahaha!
Till then folks,I'll try and update my blog some other time,right?
Take care.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:All we need is love.

All in(Lifehouse)

2010-10-06T16:25:00.002+08:00

Guess who just ORD?
Yes,its My din.hahahahaha. (I am proud of him-Ok I'm kidding.hahaaha)
Just met him couple of minutes ago in his uniform and he looked amazing.
Not that he doesn't all the time but he looked,polished.Bahahaahaha.
He got me some stationary,loads of them!
So anyways,I'm starting school next week and the feeling sucks.
Suddenly I'm not motivated to go back to school and meet all my classmates again.Bleargh.
Maybe I'm just scared that it will be our last three months as classmates before we decide to have a career of our own or continue to pursue our studies.
Bejesus :C
You know what sucks even more?
Not knowing if I want to be in the medical line(career wise) or do something totally different.I'm turning 20 next year and my life is still not unfolding before my eyes.
I wanted to try out for paramedics but I was strongly advised not to.My stubborn head would like to give it a shot cause if it does not work out for me,at least I have nursing to fall back on.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck,I am so muddled in the head.
Oh well,I'll get it sorted out someday.
So,I was reading through my older posts and I feel that I have expressed a lot about my relationship with Din.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
And no,I won't delete them cause I want to look back on to those so that it will give me enough reason not to hate just in case things don't wonderfully work out between us.
But thats ok,cause as unsure as I could be about us to begin with,I am starting to have faith that perhaps he came into my life for a reason.
A lot has changed on how I view the people around me,he have thought me on how to see things in different perspectives.
I have learnt a lot being with him in this short period of time,I could have possibly knew him from another life?hahaha.
At this point of time,he is not only my boyfriend,he is my best friend,brother,husband and so much more and yes,I adore him in every living cell of my body that there is.
Har har har har.
I surprise myself,and I certainly surprise the few who've known me cause I never thought I could find my better half.
Even if this relationship of mine fail miserably,or if we're only just fooling around,I won't replace the experience with anything else in the world.
Oh,and did you know I actually dreamt about Dave Grohl,yes the vocalist of Foo Fighters?
I never thought he would magically appear in my sleep yesterday but he did,made me happy all throughout the day.And I got the chance to meet Baby Sarah,Mon's latest sibling and she is beautiful.
With that being said,I need to move my ass to meet my Sammie woman!
I have been bailing out on her since ages.
And lets all who knows Farah and family,together say our quiet prayers for her pops who've passed on,on the 3rd of October.
Rest in peace,I will certainly remember you and thank you for always being so welcoming when I come over.We will miss you.Definitely.
Till then,Take care all.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:Stumbling upon many bumps,but held on to our heads and tried again.

My time is running out

2010-09-29T15:59:00.002+08:00

Today is a beautiful day.
It is all sweet smile from the sunshine and I feel good in the inside.
I am left with this week and next to make use of my holiday period,after that,I guess all hell will break loose.
Oncology.
I have no idea why I chose that module,I might either sink or swim this upcoming semester if I am even chosen for it.
I am trying to be optimistic and even if I got in and the module sucks,I am going to try and do good at it and put in as much effort anyway.
These last few months before I graduate is going to be depressing
-the few people I have met since school,will eventually part and we'll lead our own separate lives.
Ah fuck it.People come and go,right?
hahahaha.
With that being said..
I feel kind of sorry for my beloved Din.
I think he deserves more than what I can give,emotionally,physically and mentally perhaps.
As much faith as I have in our relationship,I can't help it but feel bad.
Din deserves a good woman,a woman who is everything that I'm not.
I have had the best time in my life and our relationship is more than what I have always wanted a relationship to be.It is full of life,it is definitely real and we're both trying to make it worth the fights and good times.
This could probably be my first serious relationship and at this stage,I am already thinking of backing out.hahaha.
I am a big time wuss,
I do want us to go somewhere but right now,I need to figure out my life first.
Lets hope I can do both at the same time?
I don't want to jeopardize our relationship,but until I can achieve the things a super woman has,or at least some qualities of it,I will be ever so glad to stick by Din's side and make him my only one.
Until all my insecurities will finally rest.
The most scariest thing of all is how strongly I feel for him as days go by,I know how eeky this sounds but it terrifies me to know that I can actually feel this way.
What I had with Sebastian was great too but with Din,I am feeling something more.
It is like I feel whatever happens in the future,I have a feeling Din will somehow be there.
I have never cared for anyone so much and this my friends,is a shocker.
hahahaha.
I am beyond words grateful I have finally met the person whose made me feel comfortable in my own skin but maybe he just deserves more than me.
Wish me luck for now,yeah?
Till then,toodles.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Maybe I was kidding myself right from the start.

Frenzy

2010-09-24T00:09:00.002+08:00

I am having the time of my life and I am enjoying every moment of it.
It is a roller coaster ride of emotions.
I am on my holidays,it is only the mids of the second week and I have been doing nothing but pigging out.And of course,not to mention,hang out.
Well,
Hari Raya this year just seems dull.Not much of visiting and I think the spirit is just gone.
I think it is because of the loss of my beloved uncle,it really did affect the raya mood.
Sighs.
Anyways,
I have been spending tremendous amount of time with Din.
Sometimes I wish we didn't have to part. ("Awwwwh" moments) haha!
I don't know what it is but something unexplainable kind of tells me that he may be the right one.
The person I want to be spending my living moments with.
Two months plus and I'd be lying if I already know EVERYTHING about him,but,I already know what I have to know and it is enough.The rest,things will unfold eventually,sometimes we shouldn't rush things.
We have had our share of ups and downs(possibly more downs) but we manage to plough through the rough times.
I don't think I can find anyone like him who can put up with my well being and for that,I thank God for bringing him into my life.
As cheesy as this may sound,I want to be the woman he puts a ring over my finger with.
I want to go to sleep and wake up every day seeing his face by my side.
I hope he is the man I can share my life with for richer or poorer,in sickness and in health.
What can I say,I guess,I fell in love with Din genuinely and I never expected it myself.
Oh praise the God! hahaha.
Well,I got to go now,Toodles!
Take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:My head still finds for you.

Euphoria.

2010-09-14T01:35:00.003+08:00

I spent the whole day out with Salahutdin on Monday.
It was really nice.
We went to East Coast to cycle.
Watched the people wake board and than we headed to the jetty to watch people fish.
I didn't know there was plenty of fishes,like literally,A LOT under the jetty.Small fishes but really,it looked like dirt if Din hadn't told me about it.
Our bicycle rental was for two hours but we returned it half an hour earlier cause our butts was aching.haha!
After which,we headed to his aunt's place.
He had to fix something,got something done and had dinner.
I don't know why,but every time I go out with people of the opposite sex that I care about,I tend to be full after a few mouthfuls.And Din goes on making noises about not eating right and I wish he knew how I felt.
I am inexpressive when it comes to romantic situations,I get tongue tied.Unlike with the few best friends I have,where I can tell them everything.
Anyways,the day spent was awfully tiring.I slept 3/4 of the time I was on the bus home and I probably drooled on Din's shirt.hahahahaa!
So...
Din is more than what I expect him to be.Sure we have our petty little fights but at the end of the day,I am sure I want him to be a part of me some day.
I really hope my family can accept,and probably can see what I see in him.
He's made me a more happier person since donkey years ago and I am so grateful I finally met, perhaps,one of the most amazing man in my whole entire life.
As cheesy as this may sound,and being afraid of commitments as I maybe,I feel like I am willing to try and embark on something on a whole new level with Din.
Theres the constant communication,and he knows how to calm my insecurities,how to make me feel safe and protected.
I don't understand how he can accept my flaws that I'm battling against.Nevertheless,I guess its God's way of saying I can't hate myself too much that I won't let another person love me.
With that being said,I will try my best to divert my attention to the only man whose able to make me feel again.I will try to appreciate him as much as I possibly can.
I quote again,I WILL TRY. hahaha.
Anyways,I just got off from talking to Jerkass.
Webcamming again of course.hahaha.
He was being a fuckhead as per normal,hahahahaha. I enjoy almost every conversation we had,mostly cause its familiar,and comfortable.Not to mention,stupid.
He's all stressed out overseas and apparently,homesick.
hahahaha.
Well,good news is,he's going to come back next week,than maybe I can go meet him up so he can pass me my well awaited...
duit raya! :D
*sighs deeply*
I can't let him distract the situation I'm currently in.I am better than that,I hope.
Ah well anyways, and I miss that fat kid,my nephew. :C
Zafran..
How he sleeps in my arms against my bosom,how he snores and farts in his sleep,how he smells under the pit of his arms,how I have to change his diaper..
I hope to see him soon!
Well,thats all I got for now,will blog soon.
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:I want you in me.Move me.

I want it to happen.

2010-09-08T00:00:00.002+08:00

Couple of days ago I had a little tension going on between Din and I.
Its always my fault.I get a little too emotional sometimes I guess.
Well,the start of my day on that particular moment,I went to work with tears in my eyes.
I was listening to "Love the way you lie" on repeat and I kind of got carried away.
I got home from my morning shift and that was how it started.
But thank God we patched things up.
I was to be blamed anyway,for being a dick head.haha.
Anyways,Jerkass is in Japan and for days now,we have been chatting.
On web cam too! It was comfortable,he's still the same Jerk he denies to be.hahaha
But really,it had been fun.
I just got off from talking to him.Its too bad he couldn't celebrate his birthday and Raya here in Singapore.
Well today also marked my last day in clinical posting for semester 1.I am going to miss my CA cause she has been nothing but a ball of fun.She has definitely been nice but I swear I have never taken her for granted.I appreciate it when she rights my wrongs,I try to appreciate her silly lame jokes(hahahahaha) but most of all,I don't think there will be another CA who is as lenient and wonderful like her.Further more,she wouldn't be teaching no longer,but I hope somewhere in the future,we would bump towards each other again,maybe as colleagues? Who knows.
Ah life is getting scary these days.I still don't know what I want to do.
I feel like I should start providing for my parents already,and I already have a future planned out(God's willing).
But I still feel like I should give myself a chance to excel further,like maybe doing paramedics,study journalism/writing/media and perhaps travel while studying.
I'm an ambitious coward.I fear the unfamiliar would bring me down,which is why I feel like I should stick around in the comfort zone.Why the hell not?This concerns my future!
I have people telling me to do everything at least once,but what if,that one thing I try might affect my life in a not so good way?
What happens then?
Bejesus.I hope my future would unfold in front of my eyes soon.
Till then,the Ramadhan has left us yet again and we welcome ourselves to Syawal.
Have a good blissful one.
Enjoy but don't forget the ones who've left us,they are equally as important.
Cherish.Appreciate.Love.
P.s:I want to give you a part of myself you have not experienced yet,the truth.

Still wondering.

2010-09-04T02:28:00.004+08:00

I finally met my girls,all but Farhana yesterday.
I brought Din along and I suppose it was awkward-ish. hahaha.
Bringing the people who means the world to me,together.
As per normal,I'm late and we went walking about and found ourselves a place to sit for Iftar.
I always know my girls have an appetite but what they ordered was out of line,plenty!
Even Din was shocked,hahaha!
Nevertheless,meeting them all together is the highlight of the week,I miss them and I love them.
Well anyway,I have tons of skills left for competency and I have about 4 days left in the ward.
Am I screwed?You bet! hahaha.
And the best part of all is that,I was working on my own and it feels good though I rarely try to communicate with the patients.haha.
I feel like a full pledged certified nurse already,chey! haha. I wish.haha.
Anyways,
Lately I find myself to be withdrawn.I don't know what I'm thinking about sometimes too.I just kind of zone off suddenly and certain people are just trying to get on my nerves.
Look,I have talked the way I do for as long as I possibly can rememeber,and if you choose to stay friends with me for almost over a year now,why would you be offended with my way of speaking?And the best part of all,you didn't have to throw money into my face(figure of speech).
Its a pet peeve(pantang),its utterly rude.And I may have still be able to take it and forgive you with your cigarette offer but it will forever be in my head.What you have done.
If I hadn't thought about the good times we both had before,I wouldn't even thinik twice about not speaking to you in a whole.You are the biggest hypocrite I know and how dare you still think you're a nice person.
I am trying not to get too emotional about this and I will let it pass me by.I won't let it get me like a sucker.
Anyways,Din is on night shift and he came over to my place to send me some chicken tandoori and jemput-jemput durian or something about an hour ago(I tak minat durian la).In return I gave him some cookies.It felt funny,that I actully waited for him to leave by the door just like my mom does to my dad.
Dearest Din has been the best thing that has happened in my life this year.
He is like a granted wish-list.He's everything and more.
I was happy being on my own,but I'm happier having him around.
It feels right,complete.I wasn't hesitant when we talked about the future,I was more or less sure I wanted the things we talked about to happen.
He do silly things to make me happy,he says the right things to make me feel better,he gets for me the stuff that I like and I am contented for his existence.
This afternoon when I woke up,he called me up just to say he missed me which is completely cute given the fact that we just met less than 24 hours ago.
I don't know what will happen in the future for us,but what has happened was a good-happy memory.Even if we both aren't meant to be,I won't regret him.He has been the answered questions I've asked all my life,he's changed something inside of me.
Well anyways,my time in nursing is almost coming to an end.I have not decided what I want to do,there is so many options.
It is scary to grow up.
It really is.
I got to go do some chores now.Blog soon.
Take care all.
Love,appreciate!
P.s:Where are you,really?

you're the best few left.

2010-08-29T00:14:00.002+08:00

As I'm blogging,its just 26 minutes past 12midnight of a Sunday.So,
It has been ages since I last chatted with Jerkass.The last time I did,was last week with news about him leaving for Japan.I wonder how's he doing now,I still miss him.wahaha.
Well,two weeks of IMH posting has gone,it has been wonderful.I will definitely miss most of them,and of course,the awesome staffs.
So I was crashing at Nana's for two weeks,and I just got home yesterday.I can't thank Din enough for coming to fetch me eventually,cause my bag was fucking heavy.haha!He helped to carry it here and there and even treat me to some chocolates.
We hang out till mid 2 o'clock in the morning despite the fact I had to go to Johor at 6:30 in the morning,today.haha! He's for keeps.
He maybe imperfect in so many ways but all the more I look for the best traits,best quality that nobody sees in him.He's given me so much reason to keep having faith.
He's pampered me in so many ways I can't explain and I don't think he cares when I emphasize that I don't need the superficial things that is offered in this life-time.
Our feelings are mutual for each other for now,and truth be told,I am happier than I've been in so many years.But sometimes,its just like me,to question why he still choose to stick around.
I browse through his friend list and there are so many beautiful women in there,so I wonder why he choose to stick around.I suppose it must be guilt.But fuck it,I'm content with how things are at the moment and I wouldn't trade him for anything,or anyone.
So yeah,I'm tired as balls,will blog soon.
Love,appreciate!
P.s:Are you for real?

Dip.

2010-08-21T17:04:00.003+08:00

I am going to meet the few hang out friends to Iftar later.
Kay and siblings,Angah and a few others I suppose.
Can't wait to meet Mai! Its been way too long since we both met each other,how we both are always on each other's throat,joking with each other.haha.
Anyways,A week has gone by in IMH posting. Frankly,it has been fun.But the in-charge is trying to flick a switch in me that may or may not cause me to be extremely angry.My tolerance level is decreasing dramatically.
Well actually,most higher authority person is getting on my nerves.
Maybe I'm just being a little sensitive,hormonal change.
But anyway,I was crashing at Angah's for a week,Ibu has been a doll and she makes me eat all the time. :D
But,something is happening in my head and I can't quite understand what,but it is killing me to see Ibu in the state she is in.I try to understand her,but I'm not as strong as her to go through her days with unsettled worries in her head.I hope she keeps on being strong,Ya Allah,please give her the strength she needs and please Ya Allah,keep the people who has been hurting her feelings be taught a lesson.She doesn't deserve the rude treatment and all the yelling.
Anyways,
I haven't met Din in a week,but tonight,I'll visit him for a bit at his station. C:C:
Honestly,at this point of time,I have no idea what relations,what so ever we are having for each other but I am enjoying the feeling.We are neither together,nor are we apart.
We are constant.
I wouldn't trade him even for Chris Haslam,ok wait,I'll consider that,haha.
He's been everything I'd hope for in a guy and though we have the times when we fight,I know deep inside I can't stay mad at him for too long.We are too attached to be apart.
Whatever the turn is going to be like for both of us,I need the help from friends,family and whoever that has known us to ensure that we both live longer than what we foresee to get through the days when we both can finally be as one.
Amin.
I hope our wish will come true some day..
Insha'allah.
So with that being said,I need to get ready now.
Take care all.
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:You-my exception.

About time.

2010-08-09T13:41:00.003+08:00

For what has happened,I won't regret.It happened by choice and it is natural for things to happen the way it did.We were too carried away by our separate euphoria.I foresee that it would happen,but this soon didn't cross my mind.Nevertheless,at least I know how we both see it as now.
Dearest,stop apologizing..
I'm glad it happened the way it did.

Mom was away on Saturday and I had to bump in for YOG.
NSC is miles away from the civilised road.Ok I'm exaggerating,but there is no public transport nearby to get there.I ended up walking for maybe a good kilometre when I reached Marine Parade and a half before hailing for a cab.I was proud of myself cause I was alone!I was even alone when I reached Redhill the day before,and I bumped to Hani there.So anyways,when I reached NSC I walked a good bit more and sat opposite the medical room.Wahahaha.Thats when I saw Ikin and THANK GOD someone I know was around.I presumed that the day was going to get awkward and long but thankfully,it didn't.It happens that Rabbani and a few others are around too.All were lung killers except one.Too awesome.
Anyways,I got home a little before seven and texted Din vie web-sms.He called me up and wanted to meet at 8!Its impossible so I told him make it around 8++,wahahaha and I reached 15 minutes before 9 at his place.He wasn't around.So I waited until 5 minutes past 9 and I turned to my right and saw him.With his black shirt and black berms,He looked half annoyed and half glad I'm there.Apparently,he left the house 5 minutes past 8 and 5 minutes after,subsequently until I got there.hahahahah!
So we cycled to Pasir Ris(take note that I rode on his mom's bicycle,wahaha) and spent the night together.I had a good time.
Times we shared are spent on silly fights-arguments,dead serious talks and deep within me I can't lie anymore.I want to spend my remaining times I have left now with him.
As easily as he can make me cry with his sharp words,he makes me feel better again with the comfort he is naturally generous with.And like what he's said before,the only problem between us is my hesitance to voice out my actual feelings towards him.Wahahahaha.
I just don't trust myself enough to trust another person I should be in love with.I have too little faith in myself but abundance for others which makes it unbalance.
He's made me the happiest woman for the past month and time flies by so fast..Sighs.

The man who have really looked me in the eye and said he truly cares,truly loved me for me.
The man I've enjoyed talking,arguing and having fights with.
The man whose taught me so much in life littlest test compared to the biggest hurdles he's gone through.
The man who would do anything in impulse but knows better so thinks before he even speaks his mind.
The man I enjoy cuddling up with when the nights gets cold.
The man who would shower me with the superficial things he thinks I care about,which I don't really give a shit about.
The man who wants security and stability in his life and not afraid to work his ass for it.
The man who said "When you turn 20,we're going to get engaged.Or even better,I'm going to propose."
The man whose life revolves around music to keep him going or he would've fallen to the blackest of hole and drown.
The man I want to be by with until the time ceases out on me cause he's given me enough reason to laugh,cry,be upset and be merry about.

He's been so patient,so caring and so thoughtful towards me.Made me cry,feel loved and thought about.I guess its only in a matter of time now before I make me decision.A man like him deserves a much better woman than I have been.Oh well,whatever happens,I hope its for the best.Toodles all.
And Happy holiday!
:):)
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:What a feeling.

Than you came.

2010-08-03T18:01:00.002+08:00

I am situated in a ward I have been to yet again before,but things just doesn't feel the same anymore.Wahahaha.
I was so comfortable working in an environment with so many 'workable' people that I feel a sense of dread and loss already.But I'm coping.I'll be fine.haha.
Today,my buddy had to take a day away and I was left alone,awkward.But,I tried to pull through the day and managed to gain a sense of accomplishment eventually anyway.
Today is well worth it.
I became a language translater for a PT and Doctor.Wakakaka.
My malay is so 'koyak',I think I feel embarassed.Nevermind,I'll work on it. :D
Anyways,I am getting really annnoyed with my current skin condition.
I don't know if it is my hormones or my skin being extremely sensitive.I have lots of spots coming out and its annoying to feel the bumps when I wash my face. -.-
I need a skin revolution,like maybe pay a visit to the dermatologist or something.
I miss my almost clear skin I had years back,when I had nobody to please.wakakaka.
And now that I have someone around to look good for,I feel ugly as hell! Nyahahahaha.
So guess what,my tagboard is being really annoying.I have all these advertising nonssnse visiting my blog.And its pertaining health issues.Whattheefuccck. >.<
Is this some sort of an uncalled for cry of help? Cause it sure does feel like it.Wahahaha.
Oh,today,Iffah and I did something good together.
We helped(or at last we try) lighten the needs of those in a condition be it good or bad.
I feel great since its my first time,it feels rewarding.
I tolerated the pain cause I was anticipating it,feels so damn good!
A pint down,a few more to go..
So I may not be the greatest of human being there is in this world,but at least I try to make a difference,or maybe save a life somehow.
Well,I've been meeting Mok and Monty as of late.They listen to my nonsensical self which helps to calm down my nerves,my anxiety from a long day of work.Without them,I don't think I can make it through each day without a sense of dread and loathe for the life I have to lead.
Wahahaha.
Thank you both for being there,always.
Ah,I feel so sleepy suddenly.I think I might want to get a little shut eye.
Tomorrow,I'm off to school and maybe pay that little bundle of fats I call nephew,a visit at my brother's place.He's getting bigger and I can't wait to cuddle with him this Ramadan :):)
Till then folks.
Take care,let those you care know and appreciate the little things.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:The thoughtful things you've done and said,only a matter of time now.

Crossing minds,crossing thoughts.

2010-08-01T18:50:00.003+08:00

Four weeks of posting have cease to end.
It has been a great experience,a good start of 2.1 posting.The educators has impacted my life and I am beyond my words grateful for their knowledge and their firm ways to mould me to become a better care-giver than most existing one up to date.(Muahaha)
To my CI,though you stress me up most mornings when you are around,I am glad you are around and educated me and the rest of us under your care.It has been wonderful the times spent with you.The frequent "Ezmira" still needs some getting used to but its adaptable now.I fake a smile and acknowledge the name anyway.wahahaha.I love you CI,thank you for everything!
Loves!
Anyway,
I managed to have a conversation with Jerkass last night for less than half an hour.
I lied about my health status,he kept asking what is up and me,being big headed,assumed that he was being concerned about me.He agreed but he said "jangan mati sudah" which was kind of annoying but I am sure he cared.Wahahaha.This was before I told him I was lying.haha.
When I told him I actually went to see Sam and baby Casper,I am more than sure he was pissed but he pretended to be cool and said he was just taking advantage of the situation to talk about the not dying bit.wahaha.When he said he had to bathe,asked if I was going to stay late online which is unusual.But lets not fall for the wrong things,I bet it was just genuine catching up session since tomorrow he is starting his first day at work.
Good luck to him,and I wish him well..
Anyways,last night..
I let him see me through my tears.It was stupid of me,I didn't want him to see me as vulnerable..
With enraged face and raised voice,I was taken aback and hurt.I was shaking when comfort and apologies was being voiced,I cried even harder.
I just hate it when people shout-scream-yell or just be mad.
All I could think of the next minute on was going home and giving back his stuff which was with me.I planted a kiss on his cheek and said goodbye,I didn't want to look back and I know how selfish it sounded.He looked so confused and when I stood up to leave I was being pulled back to my seat and I sank myself into his shoulder,crying much harder than before.
I don't remember how it started but it wasn't pleasant for me.I don't expect to be treated like a princess but it really made me bite my tongue,hard.I was hurt.
He apologized,said he didn't mean anything and I let it rest.
Maybe I was being too sensitive cause its that time of the month but somehow,something from within tells me that his patience with me is obvious wearing thin and I am proving myself right.
I won't be mad if he decides to disappear after all that has happened between us cause it happened by choice.It wasn't a mistake that God made him a part of my life even for a short period of time.I appreciated his existence and I did tell him from the very beginning that it is not going to be easy if he decides to stay on with me.I know myself well enough to be saying that.
Being with Jerkass and him is kind of like the same thing-an all out emotional ride.Only difference is that,I am experiencing everything that I wish and more with him compared to Jerkass.Jerkass is kind of like a fantasy I wish I could be living in,while being with him,it is as real as it gets.
Sighs.
Such a cold evening,with light rain and he just woke up.I told him I miss him this afternoon,and I mean what I said,I do.Even after the shed tears,he really has impacted my world.
I will always remember this, "I just hope that we have a future together."
Its probably the most surreal and cheesiest thing anyone have ever said to me nonetheless,I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.I adore you so,so much.
Oh,Jerkass is talking to me now ;)
G'night all.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Given a choice,what would you do?

Appreciating your well being.

2010-07-26T18:02:00.002+08:00

Today is my B.mok's birthday.He has turned 28 and its his first year wedding anniversary and already,he is celebrating with a son to complete his life.
I am proud oh him as a son,brother and now,as a father.
I wish him all the best of wishes there is in this world and may his life turn become a fruitful one to live in till eternity.
Amin.
Anyways,this is my last week in the ward and already,Monday has gone by.
I will be posted to another ward for two weeks before going to IMH.
Four weeks and I've learn so much,too much.I love how my lecturer do skills with me,I didn't realize I've done quite a handful already.Its mad,in a good way :D
And,I have learnt about myself that I have a habit of chewing gum at the most weirdest of times.Like for example,bringing a client for a shower,and especially before meeting Din. wahahaha.
Its either cigarettes,sweets or gums.I just need something in my mouth to keep myself distracted from my mind.
Well,this posting has proven to be a bliss.I don't regret or resent coming to work anymore maybe because I've been to the ward before and maybe because I have the most awesome-est lecturer in the whole wide world.wahahaha!
Oh and Jerkass was teling me over the last week that he was asked to go for an AE interview and he told me it went well during the weekends.I am glad for him,he is really wanting to buy himself a hypermotard by end of the year.wahaha.
I don't know why he keeps telling my about whats going on with his life,I don't know why he STILL like to insult me at the same time.Fuck.wahahaha.
So I spent the Saturday with Din after I got home from school and meeting my awesome friends who I miss so much.
ANYWAYS
here is something for you, baby(wakakakaka)..
I appreciate you wanting to spend your time with me.
I appreciate you trying to make me jealous(but you obviously failed,wahahaha!)
I appreciate you trying to change and be a better person than you were before.
I appreciate you being there for me and taking me as I am.
I appreciate you cuddling up close to me and falling asleep.
I appreciate you bringing a weird radio to spend the whole evening with us.
I appreciate your rising and falling of your thorax as I lay my head against your chest.
I appreciate you resting your head against mine and showering me with gabazillion of forehead kisses.
I appreciate your longing gaze and gentle stroke against my cheek.
I appreciate your beary hug and caring words.
I appreciate your existence in my life.
I can't thank you enough on the endless amount of dosh you spend on gums,chocolates,taxi fares and green tea.
I have yet to love you as a lover,but I appreciate your warmth and concern over me.
Thank you for being in my life,
I am looking forward to spending the next few months(Ramadhan and Syawal) with you and probably hitting up a vacation spot in December or January.
For now,I am not so ready to be someone you regard as special in your life,I'm not up to it yet.
If things don't work out between us,I will look back to the days since I first met you and smile cause you have made a lot of difference in my life.I don't regret meeting you.
So till then folks.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:you're still in my head.

"I am better than your ex" -You may just be right.

2010-07-18T19:39:00.003+08:00

I have no idea why recently I did something I stopped myself from doing for years.
Haha.
I am not regretting it,cause its just going to be another experience in life.
I know what I'm going to face when the end comes for me.
All I am feeling now is content,thank you for one hell of an experience.
I guess,sometimes what people say is right;
Its not about how long you know someone,its about how much you want to know or you know about them.
Din once told me, "it maybe too soon but its better than being to be too late."
The phrase was an instant tear jerker.I was silent,I couldn't keep up with his wisdom.
And I couldn't let myself get detached from him either.
A person I would typically fall for wasn't him.He has a little too many flaws which I can over-look but most often than not,many others can't.
A stern face which disguised a beautiful warm smile.A hug-able chubby body with personal thoughts drawn.Every words he spoke fascinates me more and more each time.
I was truly interested to learn him from the beginning to what he has become now.
But my feelings for him is still a great question.I am clueless why I don't feel the same way he does.
Every "first time" that I've been doing recently was taught by him.I suppose I'll be indebted by him my whole life.
Personally I don't give a fuck about what people may think about him,I like him as he is now.
He's a great guy and I think he deserve more than me.I will only be a burden and I wish he could see that.I would be lying if I don't care for him,I very much do.But I don't have the hearts to love him,cause somewhere down the road,I'll be yet another bitch in his life who may or may not leave him.

But anyways,
I enjoy the spooning session.
I enjoy feeling the rhythmical rising and falling of your chest against mine.
I enjoy feeling your fluttering eyelashes against my cheek.
I enjoy the warmth you've given me when I felt so,so,so cold suddenly.
I enjoy your warm breath against the nape of my neck.
I enjoy the slow tap against my hip when you try to make me fall asleep with you so close to me.
I enjoy the constant forehead kisses you give when you thought I had fallen asleep.
I enjoy how you would sulk when I pretend not to care about what you think.
I enjoy breathing in your scent,kissing your body randomly and seeing you smile.
I enjoy how you would whisper sweet things in my ear.
I enjoy how you would wrap your arms around me and pull me tighter each time we call it a night.
I enjoy how we would curse at each other for nothing and make up the next minute.
I enjoy how you try so hard to interlace your fingers with mine.
I enjoy how hard you try to ask me out for dinner.(haha!)
I enjoy the way it feels when I'm with you but sadly,
I don't know what I am actually feeling for you.

Nevertheless,it would still hurt me if you found someone to replace me.
I would be slightly jealous cause at least,you've found your match.
"sayang,please be mine?" with a reply of staring aimlessly towards the setting sun sea.
I felt a slight twang when you say "you are the best thing that has happened to me now." in between silences and I could only just look at you without a word.
I am afraid if you're doing too much without the kind of result you're hoping to achieve.
I am trying to feel the same way.I am.
I think you're the only person who've physically hurt me and instantly made me feel better because of my habitual speech about dying fast,dying young.
I just need things to slow down a little bit,I feel like we're going too fast I might end up marrying you.
wahahaha!
Till then folks,
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:"I miss your kisses."

Rolling with Polly.

2010-07-15T02:24:00.003+08:00

I think I screwed up my principles.
But,what a night!
I met Din again,wakakakakakaka.
Thank you for the surprising night,har har har.
I appreciate you for not buying me anything,and fishing is on baby.wahahaha!
The intensity is building up but I am just going with the flow.I have no idea what my feelings are doing.
Its not collaborating much with my head,so I can't understand it.
Its back to how it was when Seb and I were together.

Oh and today is my 19th.
Happy birthday to me.
Everytime I get older,I tend to lose something and I lost it already.
I lost someone I grew fond of initially,and the bittersweet part is,we're still talking.
I wish I had the guts to tell him how much he means to me,but slowly,the remains of what was felt in the beginning are perishing.
It is sad but I guess God has his reasons why someone else is there to be there for me instead.
Am I content,very much indeed. Its been quite a while and without being in a relationship,I have already experience the nagging responsibility of being committed.
Its a hard process and I need some adaptability to be comfortable.

I ask for nothing but I wish I could live a little more longer each day.If there is a pause button in life,I would have pressed on it long ago.I need time to slow down,it is scaring the shit out of me.
There is so many things to think about,to do,but so limited time.
Mom has agreed for me to undergo a full medical body check up,just to be sure.
I can't wait,I need my mind to be clutter free from worrying about myself.I got my family and friends to look out for.
And baby Zafran,I miss you so so much.I can't wait for you,daddy and your mommy to sleep over soon.You're going to get smothered by me and hopefully,when you grow older,you will remember who I was.
I love you so much you little thing,you bundle of joy.

With things going my way,being in place,things being great in the ward,and skills being done at the second week,I am glad that finally,after a long time,my anxiety is not killing me.
Till next time,with plenty of cigarettes left to be finished,I will log out feeling great.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a a great day at work.
Must have faith,must keep faith.
Take care all,if you haven't heard it much from me yet,I love you.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I whispered for "you" and God sent me you,even for a little while,I am content.

What do you call us?

2010-07-12T20:49:00.002+08:00

I suck so bad.
Hahahaha. Today is the first day of the week and I had to be late.I am surprised how Din's words had to actually become a reality,thanks eh! wahahaha.
And I'm glad we're on better terms again.Pheww.wahaha.
(7A.M)
40 minutes after the shift started and 2 calls from the lecturer later,I finally started work.
Wahahahaha!
I'm such a dickhead,why? Cause its only been two weeks and I have already written 2 memo!
Har har har.
Memo 1-on communication.
Memo 2-on punctuality.
Wonderful,awesome sekali! wahahahha.
I feel like a swine but hey,I'll be good enough as a nurse as much as I don't want to be one.
So anyways,Din fetched me home today.Wakakaka.
It was a nice-awkward-sh feeling.hahahaha!
I barely had a picture of him to imagine how he look like and my prepaid was down as I waited for him outside the A&E.I was falling asleep,he had to go for a consultation stuff with the doctor and he told me to accompany him but being a painfully shy in the ass person that I am,I refused.
Wahahaha. I was falling asleep when he said he had to come up and collect the medication,and naturally,I panicked.When I looked up,I saw him. hahahahaha!
What a sight,cause he looked pissy.haha. Din is taller than I am,chubby and cute.I remained quiet and stood behind him as he registered for the queue number but not long after,we talked normally.A week and it felt like I've known him for quite some time.He seems so familiar..
We were suppose to meet this evening,yes,again but I suggested we should rest and sleep before we do and he never got back up until 9 just now. Har har har!
And now he's asking if I want to meet.Lol!
Dapat sekali nak lagi,melampauuuu! wakakaka.
Truthfully,I miss Jerkass,a lot.It was different,a month of bonding. And I can't wait for Friday,another south park session hopefully.Wahahaha!
So till then,Lets hope this week is going to run smoothly again. I think I finally like being in the ward,or its too soon for me to tell-judge.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:"Between the lines",All that we'll ever be.

Falling faith in place.

2010-07-10T03:41:00.004+08:00

I held on to the baby close to me,kept it close to my heart.
It was beating rapidly,I could hear it myself.The sight of the baby is surreal.
He is a part of us now,family.
I fed him today,within 24 hours since he arrived on Earth.
My eyes was stinging with tears,I was happy.
But well,it is probably me being tired too.har har har!
He is called Zafran.Baby Zafran.
He is the most softest and probably one of the few heavy babies I've held on to.
Anyways,it is Saturday morning as I'm blogging.
Finally,I'm talking to Jerkass. :D:D
We are watching cartoon together,since 2 plus in the morning.It is comfortable again,I miss his presence.
I miss him of course but refuse to admit it,egoistic much? You bet! haha.

Oh and the week in the ward I've been through had been smooth sailing.I don't feel too awkward since I'm back to the same ward I was in last posting.
I was being called "Ana" and "Y".It didn't matter but I think it would be hilarious if the name stuck on to me till 10 years down the road. Bahahaha.
I am basically saying,life in this posting this time round is pleasant for a start.I hope it lasts till the end.
I have the most awesomest lecturer and CI,what more can I ask for?

And late night phone calls is getting more and more intense.I don't cultivate romantic feelings too soon.I like easily,I hardly ever love unless I'm sure it is worth it.
But I enjoy the conversation,you entertained my "hhmmmms" "ooook" and "whatever eh" and tolerated the long awkward silences.
Thank you for the companionship.
:)
So till then,take care.
Love,appreciate!
P.s:I gain something,I lose another.

NEWSFLASH!

2010-07-08T21:25:00.002+08:00

Dear world,
I am a psyched new aunt as of today onwards!
Finally that feisty little kid inside of my sister-in law's tummy crawled itself out to reach the light on Earth!
Congratulations B.mok and kak Tini.
I love you both for making me the most happiest woman today!
Ahh,little baby boy,I'm coming to get you.
Nyahahahaha.
I'll love my little kid nephew,or at least I'll try.

What I'm wishing for,you.

2010-07-04T02:11:00.002+08:00

Shit,Its the wee hours of Sunday morning.
Tomorrow,I'm starting clinical posting.10 grueling weeks,chey! haha
I have taken note of the dates I have to stand by for YOG and its only 3 days.haha.
Great -.-
Well anyways,its my last night of the holidays.I have had a ball thanks to Jerkass.
And on this last night we're saying a somewhat a goodbye,a good luck kind of thing.
He didn't talk to me the whole day but we chatted after 12 midnight,when the game between Germany and Argentina ended.(Yay to Germany!)
It was awkward but we exchanged lame jokes and I can't help it but laugh and smile to myself.
Its really stupid but its smart. haha.
I am denying the fact that I am going to miss him truckloads and I can't quite tell on his part.haha.
Its silly how we both are acting like dorks. haha.
He told me he's going for a biking trip end of this month and I am gutless to remind him to take care.Instead I sent him a link about bike accidents.Marvellously smart aren't I? haha.
But anyways,enough of the melodramatic scenes.
Lets talk about me.
So its been planned out nicely that after 2.1 postings are done,Saha,Sankari,a couple few of others and not forgetting myself are going to Tioman for a well deserved holiday! Wooooooot.
I discussed it with mom and she just stared at me in disbelief cause I was going to abandon her for a few days,a week maybe.haha!
After we graduate,Saha has planned on another trip and that is Bali!
Finally a taste of surfing,hopefully.
Bikini's up man!I'm working on it to have a beach body,beware.Nyahahahaha!
And tomorrow afternoon,I'm going to Johor to spend my last day of the holiday with yet again,Saha.Lol.
Its too bad Mari and others can't come.Would have been fun,perhaps.
Tomorrow's trip is going to be totally stupid cause I have not ironed my uniform and I'm not in bed at this hour.
I wanted to go cause I need to have my cigarettes.Har har har. Its been days.
Oh and my stomach cramp I had to go through this evening was fucking bad I swore I could have called the ambulance.Thank God for sanity and warm coffee.haha.
So till then,with a heavy heart I am saying goodbye to my days I spent on the computer,my freedom.I want to thank my Jerkass especially for breaking my heart over and over again but hey,we're a pack.Always a pack.
You have given me so many reason to smile,frown and be grateful about.
I hope I mean what I said when I told you "In two weeks time,I'll let you know."
I have been ready,I want it to be with you,but,I can't promise you a fire-works good time. haha.
Take care.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:Nobody compares to you.Period.

So you were sleeping.

2010-07-02T18:30:00.003+08:00

I have today and the weekends left before clinical posting starts.
I am half excited and half not looking forward to it.
At least I know Iffah is going to be in the same shift as me,so that gives me a peace of mind.
What I'm more worried about is this Jerkass.
Haha.
I don't want him to bum around,but I want him to always be there if I log on the internet.
He has given me so much to laugh,to be angry and sad about.Its been quite an emotional ride.
If you are ever going to find out that I wrote this for you Jerkass,you should at least be proud.haha.
I am going to miss talking to you.I am going to miss you.Generally speaking.
I don't always bitch about you,that you should know.I say good things about you too.haha.

Anyways,I was watching TV last night and I suddenly had a "vision".
I don't know how to say it but it was definitely happening in my head.
When it was finally done,I was crying.And staring at the TV screen blankly.
I was shaking a little and wiped off my tears in embarrassment.I had no idea why I felt so teary.
Here's what came to my mind,it was a dialogue.I was talking to someone,I don't know who but it was someone.I was saying something like "If you go,I expect you to come back alive.Please." and that like a reflex action I cried.
I felt awful after a while and the loud sound coming from what I assume a big bike from the road across my house didn't help given the situation I was in.haha.
It was definitely a gay time.haha.
I was probably affected after reading a recent article about a boy my age who died.I was trying to put myself in the shoes of his friends and loved ones,how I would feel if I were to lose somebody.Forever.
Its not as though its a new thing,but I think growing up and maturing as a person would make getting over and letting go a little harder I suppose.Cause when you're younger and if you lose something,you're going to think about the things that is going to make you have fun and forget all your troubles.But when you're older,with things you hold on to such as memories,I think it gets a lot harder than it may seem.
12 more days and its a year to Panjang's death date.
I still remember how hard I cried.
How Ravi gave me a brotherly over the shoulder hug.How he tried to shake me up to the reality.
How his questions actually still ring in my head "Why are you crying over him when I should be the one upset?I lost a friend when you don't even know him?" and he smiled at the irony.
I just shrugged and whispered "I don't know why I cry.I think it is unfair."
And the night went on till the next morning,I still feel the dread.Even now.

Well,I just want to remind the people who are close to my heart that I love you guys a lot.
And I would appreciate it if you cross the road using the over-head bridge or use the traffic-light unless its permitted with acceptable reason.haha.
If you guys are driving or riding,please,keep your eyes everywhere on the road!
And especially to those who are having sex,be safe,use gloves!
I don't know why I said that bit on intercourse but yes,BE SAFE!
Take care,
Love,appreciate.
P.s:I think you're the one I want so much,but I don't think I can have you.But at least I have you in my head.

Almost over.

2010-06-29T23:07:00.002+08:00

Its mom's birthday.
Nothing is celebrated today.Dad's planned on a dinner day out tomorrow but I'm not sure if I can make it,We'll see how.
Upon mom's big day,I wish her all the well wishes there is in the world.She might have rubbed me the wrong way most times but I don't love her any lesser.I said a prayer I didn't thought I'd say but I'm not going to regret it,cause I am sincere.I love you mom,pops.

So,I went out running last night.

I even saw a fellow jogger who has long hair!But too bad he didn't grow his heard.
At first glance I thought he was Filipino,but upon further inspection and a couple of rounds around the area,I assume he's malay.He never stopped running,unlike me.haha.
I got home,stretched a whole lot and I felt 5cm taller instantly.haha.
Had a quick showered,supper and hopped on to bed by 4 in the morning,but I couldn't sleep.
I was hyper.I only managed to take a nap at 2plus in the afternoon and woke up less than an hour later.I'm still not sleepy,and I've not showered.
haha.
I spend my whole day at home today,doing nothing productive but got online and stare stupidly ahead.
As per normal,jerkass was around.
We debated about the most stupidest things.And sometimes I don't know why I even bothered entertaining.haha.
I usually give in most times too.If I couldn't get hold of him realistically,at least I know I could count on him when the times get rough someday in the future.Physically non-present,but I know he's always going to be there for me virtually.

Now,let me rant a little please:
You know,I told myself I can't afford to fall in love again.
I can only like or admire someone for so long.I am a pussy for being wanting to be committed.
I don't trust myself enough,there are too many things to choose from when you're tied down.
Thats what I've been thinking after Seb left.
Its selfish,but its the only way that works in my head.
Well,today,when you told me you found your "match",I don't know how you felt for her but I felt a tinge of jealousy sparked from within me.
Its strange that you're talking about someone else when almost a month now we've been talking about nothing but our individual lives.
I can't be falling in love with you,its not right.
I saw that such a day was going to come but I never thought that I'd get hurt in the same time.
Whatever happens,I wish I can have your presence till Sunday.
After that,I will be occupied with tons in my mind and you will be more and more of a vivid memory I can't erase.
I wish I had the balls to say what I feel.Sometimes.
I wish you well,I will be fine.I am going to let it go.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I just had my heart broken,but I am fine.

Repaired(June 28th)

2010-06-28T16:45:00.004+08:00

I am telling myself that I should shove the bad-upsetting-depressing feelings down the burning fire of the hell cause I'm left with what,six days of holidays.
Therefore,I will force out all the smiles and laughter that I have left in me before clinical posting begin again.
I had a dream about clinical posting,apparently,I was a very caring,kind and lovable student nurse.I had a lot of concerned patients and I woke up feeling happy.
Maybe I should embrace the moment of Clinical posting fully this time.
I shall not let the staff bring me down cause I'm there to get my skills done and over,care for the patient like my own and have better communication skills.Besides,I am about to have the coolest Clinical posting lecturer!My previous class advisor,durh! haha. :D

So,yesterday at about one in the morning,I left home for Esso to pass my brother his forgotten wallet.He went to top up his bike oil tank,cashless.Was he dumb,apparently so.
As an obedient and caring sister he have always had for almost 19 years of his life,I actually got out of the house and walked so fast like I never had before.
I was fearing for my life,against dogs.
Hahahahaha!
When I got home,I was so hyped up.I was crazy talking,especially to jerkass.
I'm sure he sensed the difference but I think it was more nostalgic.Pfft!
I'm sure I reminded him of the person who once talked to him about a month ago.Chey chey chey!
Anyways,I have been hanging out tons with Monty.Its the only time I get to anyway cause most often than not,we meet about once or twice in two weeks if school term starts.Its not always about the cigarettes,its about knowing I can rely on her even when nothing is bothering me.
Unlike certain friends I have currently.
She has a bit of a beef with her boyfriend and I wish I could help.Bahahahahaha.

Oh and I feel like going to JB again with Shagaga! Or go out and hang out with him sometime this week.Hands down,he could be the next best thing to Edd!
He's like another female friend stuck in a male's body cause I can bitch and talk about life with him anyway.A great company,he jokes about awkward moments and I guess he's one of the two guy who knows how much I weigh and thats a lot! haha.
So,till then.Take care.
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:I like it when you speak your mind,refreshing.

seeing me through my eyes

2010-06-26T03:05:00.004+08:00

I put one of the few needs that made me happiest in life away cause I appreciate the concern you verbalized to me years ago.
I miss the sport,I miss the adrenaline rush I get when I could skate by things and people fast and freely.
On occasion,I get to relive that moment again.I'm bad at it,I could have screwed up my back like I once did months ago during the blading day out with the North friends.
Most often than not,I can only miss the good times I've had when I had a pair of blades back then.It was heart breaking when my buckle broke loose.I never got it repaired cause you never saw the point of doing something that interest me,how it would ever benefit me and right now,I am disappointed cause I could have proved you wrong.
But I am not upset because of that.
I am upset because I had many options laid out in my life and all you was just nod by.
You said you'd support whatever,don't you realize all I need was a little push?
I could have been a much better person than today.But I'm no angry,I'm content.
I'm just a little taken aback by how little you think of your only girl sometimes.
How you think I can't make it out on my own.You often dared my opinions but I just shove the feelings in my chest.I don't want to be rude.I suppressed too much inside and I'm too broken to be out there and shine.
I don't have nobody to rely on but myself.
Friends can only make you smile three quarter of a day and sometimes they piss you off like like nobody can.
Its unexplainable.
Some think they know me well enough,some think they could read me easy,and I just nod,shrug and force a smile but truth be told,you know shit about me.
How many messages I left God through my prayers to keep me strong enough crack a smile.
If I hadn't been a coward,I would have broken too many rules,severed tons of friendship and lived the life I've always wanted.
Simple and easy.
I was watching TV and I was touched at how a simple gesture of love could moved me.
I was tearing as soon as I saw the man's lips kiss his child's head.
It was love,an idiot could even tell alright.
I had a dream.I've been having a lot of dreams with different friends,but the only person I could literally dream of dreaming is never there.Not yet,perhaps..
I dreamt of Seb yesterday,I felt how warm his hands was when it filled mine.
How good it felt to be towered over instead of me towering somebody else while embracing.
When we walked,the people at the street just stopped and stared.
I remember it was raining.
We were walking steadily,arm in arm,avoiding puddles and trying to fit under a medium sized-umbrella.
He had a black coat on with dark denim pants with his laptop bag,and I was wearing jeans,a shirt too big and a nice snug jacket.His outfit is not what e would normally wear.
Maybe,it wasn't him?
The comfort of staring into his eyes,how close our face were and swallowing the nervous saliva back into our throat.
We never kissed.
We let the moment take over us and the dream alone made me miss something significant in my life.
I do miss Seb,but romantically,it has faded away.I stopped believing our destiny when he answered my questions not too long ago.
An inch of hope is still there just in case he surprises me with a Singapore vacation someday.
I need sleep,my brain is giving up on me.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:you never came tonight.

Here,looking at you.

2010-06-24T18:18:00.002+08:00

I came back from a weekend vacation on Monday and went to Johor with the boys on the next following day.I have no idea why I didn't feel tired.
I have been going out a lot and as I suspected,my brother had to tell my mom about the pack of tobacco he found not too long ago.
Lucky for me,God gave me a smart lying brain and I got away with it.I had the option to tell the truth and I know for a fact that nothing is going to happen if the truth came out,but,I don't want to risk the basic foundation of a family feeling I had bonded with my parents.
Perhaps,next time,if I get busted,I'll probably say it out.

So lately Seb have been trying to get in touch again with me.
I don't know if I feel ecstatic or annoyed.I'm happy he's making an effort to keep in touch from God knows where he is now,but I'm ticked off by the fact that he's only doing it now,when the distance is probably million of miles away.
Nevertheless,at least I can count on one more person if the world decides to fuck me up someday.

*sighs*
Well,I got kind of messed up lately.Just with myself.
My brain and feelings is working in the most retarded of ways.haha.
The person I maybe falling for has been a stranger,and that is all that I will remember him as.
I am getting worried cause our conversation has been nothing but boring.I want it to be kept alive.I want to know everything about him.I want to unreveal him bit by bit but I just can't be bothered if he doesn't make a move either.
I have a massive ego,but I am willing to give in if he shows more enthusiasm.So far,the reaction I get from him is zilch,maybe that is because we are chatting almost every other day.
He talks to me about his possible future life,he makes me decide for him,and I'm here wishing he'd stop.He breaks my heart but I still care what he thinks.haha.

Ah well,I need to forget about him once and for all.Cause like many others,he's only going to break my heart.
And I will once again move on to another bloke.
Thats the typicality of my life,it is always constant.
And for the record,a person I call best friend had to insult me after what I've been through with them.Its very uncanny.I thought I could count on that particular person when I had troubles of my own,but who am I kidding.
I was greatly disappointed but I couldn't do much but shake my head in utter disbelief.
I was crushed in case you wondered.
Till then,I'm off.
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:you are just not the same.

It needs to stop.

2010-06-18T20:31:00.003+08:00

I understand I was never wanted in the first place.
You brought me up nonetheless.
I am greatly thankful for that and I appreciate the "I don't have a choice,I got to raise you anyway" act that you've done so far.
I'm almost nineteen,thank you.

Throughout my days growing up,I have been through the best and roughest patch in life.
You never fell under the category best,you actually contributed to my roughest times in my life.
No doubt you have been very flexible with me,but I am not one of your boys.
I am after all,a girl.The only girl you will ever have.
I respected your leniency towards me,but you were never there to offer me the kind of support I always wanted for in a person I should have looked up to.
You tried being accepting and insightful but I know one thing for sure,I don't want to grow up and be like you.

Thank you for thinking that all these while I am nothing but a nuisance.
Thank you for blaming me when something goes wrong.
Thank you for the purposeful snide words,I can still hear you if you're talking about me behind closed doors.
It hurts so bad,sometimes I wish I could just disappear and let your point of view on me rest.
And the best part is,you never know when to stop.
I guess all my life you've done nothing but down degrade me and congratulations,you never seem to stop hurting me.
I wish I could hate you,but I'll be sinned all my life.Besides,you brought me up.
I can never repay you enough.
But you can never mend the broken in me.You've cause it all my life.

I broke your son's arm when I was so much younger,I was probably three,four,I'm sure you still blame me after all theses years.
I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be.
I will go on breaking your heart,perhaps for both of you.
But please,try and forgive me.
I really don't know who to go to anymore.
I have been damned,will be damned and that is just how it rolls.

I'll see you guys whenever.
I'm outta here.

Hear that,its my soul reaching out to you.

2010-06-16T04:26:00.003+08:00

Its 5 in half an hour of a Wednesday morning.
I'm not sleepy yet.
As per normal,my stomach is feeling like its being tied in a knot.
I feel slightly off-ish but glad all at the same time.
I can't be bothered to state out my reasons but for those who knows,shut up and keep it to yourself.har har har.
I will greatly appreciate it if you do,please.You're doing a big favour for me if you zip it and stop making me feel like a dumb shit that I already am.haha.
Well,on the wee hours of Tuesday morning,I spent it till sun rise with my beloved Edd.
We talked and discussed about life's pains and miseries together,it was a good catching up session but truthfully,it wasn't enough though we spent approximately about 6 hours doing nothing but talk,stare at the sky,made a nuisance at the playground by laughing to our heart's content and enjoying each other's presence.
I love you Edd,I miss you tons too! haha.
Remember what I told you ok? Ignorance is bliss.Sometimes.
Why sometimes? Because most often than not,we just want to know why certain things have to happen and we need a solution to the problem.But maybe,the problem didn't start with us though the usual is,we doubt our self more than we do to others.
I'm advising myself in this post too.haha.

For the love of God,I'm listening to Miley Cyrus's "when I look at you" -.-
har har har!
A nice melodic tune,a perfect match for this aching soul.Chey! Har har har.
I'm being stupid,this like-love cloud is over-empowering my psychological status.
What the fuck am I talking about?hahaha.
I know how I'm prone to being all over a guy(nobody in particular,generally speaking) and thinking "I might have liked him after Seb" moments but who was I kidding?
They are normal infatuations.A crush.
But this time,I think I might have hit it home.
I swear this time I mean it-I could have been more original with the phrase for I took it from the song title by Mayday Parade but thats not the point,haha.
The point is,I think my feelings this time is genuine.
Never in my whole entire life did I thought the purposeful insults and judgemental hate could be so intriguing and surprisingly sexy after days of the particular "event" mentioned.BAHAHAHA!
Because when both of us are finally serious enough,I thought we had a lot in common.
I like the way he thinks,independent-selfish,goal-oriented and surprisingly witty.
He took my breath away literally when he said something and meant it,but eventually he says he was joking all the while and he could've talked about that particular thing for maybe a good half an hour.
I am impressed how a jerk like him could do so much to me.Emotionally.
I can't believe it myself,cause usually,I don't even bother to carry on speaking to such people.
But I got to keep our space,he needs it more than I do.I see how things works in his head.
I don't want to be clingy so I'm stepping back and unfortunately,his name is etched in my heart.
This is a gay post cause here I am trying to express my secret admiration for a jerk I personally,barely(maybe) know.
I am going to try and forget that I even know him.I want to enjoy my holidays as much as I could,I don't want him to dampen my spirits.Its pretty messed up the way it is.haha.

Well,anyways,yesterday I went to Karaoke with Monty,Syahid,Abang Wan and his friend.
The car ride is exhilarating.Killer speed and wind in the face effect was refreshing! har har har
I was being a pussy cause I refused to sing,I sang like half a song but couldn't continue cause "pitching lari" hahaha! And I was too embarrassed with the company I was with.
But it was a brilliant day out.
And Ridhwan,eat regularly,text me PROPERLY when you're finally free from being outfield and yes,I miss you too ok.Don't get the signal wrong uh.har har har!
;)
Till then my lovely earthlings.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I bet you made yourself disappear,but its Brazil and North Korea today! We'll see and find out.I am curious if its been mutual all along.

Gone,so young.

2010-06-14T17:08:00.003+08:00

I spent my whole night yesterday checking out a motivational site with post-it notes.
It makes me think about how people are so ignorant about the smallest things which makes life worth living.
Scary thing is,most of us don't give life a minute to reflect back and thank the blissful God for his creations.

Well,as I'm blogging now,my stomach is in a knot.
I think I am physically and emotionally unstable.har har har.
This maybe mean but I just can't stand being at home anymore.
I wish I had school with no lessons(does this make sense at all?).
Just please,stop asking me to do things all the time?
For God's sake its not like I'm the only person there is at home.
Or maybe I'm just being a silly sod and calculative?
I don't mind helping out,giving in at times but from then till now,I have always had this over-whelming sense of bias-ness from mom.
I am nineteen soon and I have grown up enough to know what hurts and what doesn't.
Sometimes she says things that ticks me off so bad but I bite my tongue hard to prevent myself from giving her a piece of my mind.
Sometimes I say it out before thinking and she gets taken aback and camouflages her shock with nervous laughter.
Sometimes I feel like giving up trying to be a good daughter.
Sometimes I cry.
Hahaha.
I'm gay that way.I wish I could connect more with Pops.
I'm always his only girl but he's never around much,and I suck at talking.hahaha.

Well,I'm suppose to go meet Monty but she's upset about something,seems like it.
-.-
Makes me feel stupid is one.haha.

I wish I could hang out all day with Sam,if only she had lived right behind my area like she used to.
Maybe I could talk to her and her baby all day and night and she'll be more than happy to entertain a loser with uneventful days like me.hahaha.
I miss her already and its only been 2 days. :(

Sam,you round lovely woman,take care.
Eat when there is an urge,don't let the baby starve though that is highly unlikely from the appetite I see you have the other night.haha!I miss you woman.
Sunny,I hope soon comes around the corner,we need to hang out,us two and have stupid arguments about nothing at all!
Edd,I love you and don't forget what I said to you.You are a unique person,let people talk,let people hate but you just got to be you.
Far,You have constantly ticked me off but nevertheless,I miss your company when I feel like shit and I know you care,but you are a little weird with your ways at it.haha.
Zee,whatever you do,think with your head and not with your heart's desire.I worry most about you.
Mazi,I'm going to meet you during CP anyway but you got to take care too! hahaha.
And lastly,
Mari,ride safe and thank you for having the telepathy connection thing going on with me.You seem to always know when ?I always need you.I love you.
I love you guys terribly.
Take care.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s: I should start giving myself time.To think,to gather all strength there is to get back up.

An honest mistake II

2010-06-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

What have I gotten myself into?

I am in deep shit with myself.

I told myself to keep away from any intense emotions and stay clear but I get more and more hooked to the obvious opposite.

I am close to tears reading back the silly conversation we had together.
All the ridiculous,emotionally hurting words were thrown around like grenades and never in my whole entire life thought such hatred would turn into adoration.

I won't lie,I extremely dislike you in the beginning but I somehow felt like I could trust you with my secrets,my life cause as much of an ass wipe that you are,you never once judged.
The teasing could get unbearable and I bite my tongue hard to give you a witty come back because unfortunately,I was afraid of what you would think of me.

I want to apologize cause I like you,and I don't want to get in your space but you have this magnetic effect on me,your abusive words ignites something from deep within me.
I'm sure if you had known now,you'd be laughing your ass off,hysterically for me being a fool to maybe fall madly in love with you..
I say things I don't mean and I know you're hurt(surprisingly) and you always reacted as if it didn't matter.
I just want to scrunch your face into a ball and start kissing you forcefully most times,you're too much of an amazing bastard you know?
har har har.
Maybe,I should just stop talking to you,so that this feelings will roll away.
Maybe,I should do just that..

BUT I CAN'T.
For crying out loud God,make me hate him! haha.

Ok,so I got a little carried away with the stupidest conversation I've had with a human being.
This was the plan initially,to keep entertaining a total dick head with his wit on the tips of his fingers and eventually,when things started to simmer,when he got rooted to the ground and started talking normally,I kind of maybe,accidentally,perhaps,Ok I think I'm falling for this jerk twat.
Never in my wildest dream did I thought about falling for a plain old asshole and here I am licking back my thoughts.This is perhaps the most silliest stages of my life and I wish right about now I could disappear cause my heart aches for his company(kiwak,feeling siak!!URGH!)..
I am trying to be patient for him to ask for my mobile number for the second time,but so far,he's just talking to me like his old silly self again.
We have gotten all personal with each other and I am afraid about how open I am towards him..
Not that there is anything to hide or be ashamed of but I am getting a little too comfortable.
Is this even right?
Is this ever normal? har har har har.

I told myself over and over again like what I always do,not to pin on my hopes ANYMORE.
If it happens(which should already since its been 2 dead fucking years!) ,it will happen.
I shouldn't do the chasing or get carried away by my own feelings.
I don't want to constantly get excited and be extremely disappointed in the end all the time.
Its time the pot chases after the kettle.har har har.
I'm going to hang loose and lay back and gaze at the sky.
Till then earthlings,miss me.
Love.Appreciate.
P.s:I secretly want you to believe what I always told you;I want you.

Growing up process.

2010-06-11T17:15:00.002+08:00

So I finally knew what I wanted to know and it certainly hasn't been easy for me so far but this time,I mean it,I am going to move on already.
Seb was good as it gets,but I'm sure this world has tons others who are better.
I talked to him about the old times and we both tackled the questions we had for each other like matured adults.I might have rubbed a spot and made it hard for him but he knew why I reacted that way.
The time apart that I had was no healing session,he very well knew it was tough on me.
I'm glad he understood but he knew he is still a part of my life.
A figure so hard to get rid off.He was my special guy,and I was his special girl and knowing this is enough for me to go on about life and go at it with full of pleasure now.

Moving on,yesterday I almost had a secret rendezvous with someone.Lol.
I was so close to losing a BIG PART OF ME but I told myself to get a grip.
The flirting and seduction was so hot I couldn't handle it!
hahaha.
He respected my well being and I respected his wit.He was sweet as can be,a total jerk for all I care but he might as well be good enough to be a friend with benefits.
I liked the whole idea.
We have planned it all out but we need the time we have to carry it out.
It was hilarious in the beginning and I realize I am maturing as a woman and my needs maybe private but he was a good candidate to talk about my current situation with.
I know I will fall for him eventually but I don't want it to spoil what we've planned ahead for us.

Never in my life have I thought that this day would be hitting me on my face and it did.
I could have never done it or talk aboout it with anyone else and here I am talking to some 23 year old male slut.
Hahaha.He is as genuine as it gets.And I'm glad I found him under unfortunate circumstances.
Wish me luck guys and hey!
The SAF paramedic assistant training is a wonderful experience!
The SAF lecturers are a great bunch and it was physical! It was awesome. :D
I had a group mate I couldn't keep my eyes off! If you know what I mean,har har har!
Till then,till then.
Take care earthlings.Miss me.Need me.I'm around.
Love.Appreciate!
P.s:If its time,I will have you anywhere I want you.

The man.

2010-06-09T21:57:00.003+08:00

The man who sold my world.
The man who believed in me.
The man who said "I love you" and I truly believed him.
The man who smoked rolled cigarretes.
The man who was there to share my pain and happiness.
The man who didn't care I looked like shit.
The man who minded his steps when he walks with me cause he's always wearing boots and I always wear my slippers.
The man I first thought of when I woke up from sleep and the man I last think of when I go to bed at night.
The man I loved with every beating of my heart,my every breath.
The man I've seen sleeping.

The man I could go on kissing,being all over for minutes,hours,days or months perhaps years.

The man I've had for a good amount of time.

The man who made a difference in my life.

The man who appreciated me for me.

The man who could look me right in the eye and send shiver down my spine.

The man who've walked and spent the time being with me.
The man who didn't care what the whole world thinks when he's with me.

The man who tried dropping a habit he couldn't quite carry out.

The man with bright blue eyes I can go on forever staring into.

The man who looked beautiful when he smiled,when he was angry,when he was upset.
The man who was going to father my child.
The man I lost.
The man who could have held on longer to his words and not broke it in the middle of my important exam.
The man who was responsible for leaving me hanging by a thread for almost two goddamn fucking years.
The man who explained something that didn't make sense.
The man who broke my heart,shattered it into ever place possible.

The man I couldn't bear talk to after the shock of loss.
The man I saw again after a year and immediately,the feelings came rushing back.

The man who got me carried away with so few of his words.
The man I didn't want to miss but eventually did.

The man who didn't put in enough effort to save me.

The man said "its better off this way."

The man who shredded pieces of what was left of me.
The man who took all that he could away from me and left me with unanswered doubts.
The man who is so far away.
The man I can't say goodbye to.

Step in but don't come any closer

2010-06-07T00:25:00.004+08:00

I need to post this urgently.
I know this particular guy for less than 72 hours and already I've got him all figured out.
He is a bloody jerk and he has problems with commitment(fateful or what!) and I think I might have fallen,stumbled,stood up again over his words that have caused the old wounds to become fresh again!This is unpredictably ironic cause I have always HATED such person but I don't know what is going on with me.
I talked to him for most of my Sunday,and time flew by really quickly.Its scary.
No theres no violins yet and chirping birds but I MIGHT FALL FOR THIS JERK.
He's on my radar.Chey!lol.
Hahahaha.
My point is,words turns the world around.It happens.lol.

So anyways,I spent my Saturday evening with Mari.
We went to the library,paid my household bills,hung out with bubble-tea and rolled cigarettes,talked and I went over to her place for a quick pee.
But I ended up staying much longer than I intended cause Mari cooked for both of us a spaghetti and sausage filled super!I was fucking full halfway through the first CD(we couldn't watch the second CD cause I had to go) of Army Daze and I rushed out of her place when I heard her mom asked her brother to send me home.
I pulled her along with me its hilarious!

I woke up at almost 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday all thanks to the jerk.
I don't regret it.It had been fun.
And I got school in 8 hours.
I'm sure its going to be a long day tomorrow.
I'm looking forward to it.
Cheers all,take care.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:I hope my voice could get it right.

secret cigarettes.

2010-06-05T02:39:00.004+08:00

There is so much to be accomplished this holiday yet so limited time and money.
I wish time slowed down like how it felt like when I was eight,when an hour seems like eternity to be playing catching downstairs with the neighbourhood kids.I wish money don't seem to thin,and the weight won't get any lighter after every purchase of anything at all.haha.
Wishful thinking at almost 3 in the morning.
So,Its only been 3 days of the holidays and I'm sick of it.I get up when I want to,help mom with the necessary chores,head out to hang loose and get on the fucking computer.
Very uneventful I know.hahaha.
This holiday seems to be the only time I get to spend my hours with Monty.Sometimes with Mai too.Its been wonderful hanging out with the bunch too. Eating precooked fishballs and sharing around a cigarette stick.haha,
And thats pretty much it.Shit.Har har har.
I am out of words.Can you believe this?haha.

Well,I just want to say a few thing before I log out,
Being a friend is as easy as saying out the alphabets and as complex as saying the alphabets backwards.
It needs to be nurtured with patience,understanding,respect and trust.
Of course crude jokes is tolerable in a friendship but you don't have to get all insensitive and rude about it.Spare a thought for people's feelings.It really is the key to have a prosperous friendship.
And one more thing,
Why is this world so full of jerks-jack asses-asshole-and-moterfucking dick heads?
Where has all the good looking nice guys gone?
Where has chivalry disappeared to?
Where has respect for a woman gone to?
Where is the "I want to get to know you better?" without any ulterior motives been?
Hahahaahaha.
Or am I not looking at the right places?Or so help me God,I'm right.
Isn't it scary how this world is lacking on all the incredible,nice,traditional,wonderful men?

I wish Chris Haslam(hearts!haha!) would call me up one day and ask me out.hahaha!
Here's how the dialogue I have pictured for my wishful self;
*Ring ring*
C.H:Hey,Can I speak to Ili??
Me:Yes,do I know you?
C.H:I want to ask you out.Please say yes?
Me:Who in the name of Bejesus are you?!?! *slight annoyed tone*
C.H:I'm sorry,Its Haslam.Chris Haslam. *smiles in his voice*
Me:HOLY SHIT! *line got dead cause I passed out*
C.:Dammit!
Hahahahahaha!

Please uh God,I just ask for a wonderful guy with shoulder length hair(and has the intentions of keeping it no longer than the waist level),with nice deeps eyes and a set of nicely aligned teeth(obviously with a cute smile) and laughs like a dork but I'll love him anyway cause he'll rest my insecurities and love me for who and what I am all about.
Too much meh? hahaha.
Do I have to look myself in the mirror and see if my ideal man matches with me?Obviously we'll look odd together but dear God,you've proven to me that dreams can come true!Look at what happened to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and I!lol.
Okla,fine,I'll wait patiently and pretend to be more interested,flirtatious and nasty from now on.See what kind of man I attract.Capishe?Just don't tell Pops and Mom bout this.haha.
Till then my lovely friends,have a good weekend!
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I am dry!

I will sleep alone,I got no options.

2010-06-01T22:24:00.002+08:00

I just got home from a day out with Mari and Zee.As per normal I'm late,I can't change this bad habit.I want to,and I swear to God I tried.I just let complacency get the better of me most times. I hope I am excused for being late,my deepest apologies my wonderful friends.Mari had her tragus pierced and she loved it.So we pretty much hang out and did nothing but talk,laid down,sang,acted(they did),took videos,pictures and I had a good time listening to a particular performance at Esplanade.It was beautiful.I can't describe it in words.
So..
Exam is finally over.I screwed up.I know I did.But we'll see how badly the toll is when the result comes back out in a couple of weeks.
I just didn't have the mood to put in as much effort lately.School bored the shit out of me and I stoned most times anyway.I talk when I'm all hyped up and shut the fucking pipe hole up when I'm not interested to look at no one.I'm a fuck-head.
Sometimes I think people's point of view about me is "she don't deserve to still be alive.someone needs to trample her over and squeeze the life out of her!"
I feel like a nutter.haha.
I imagined myself being in somebody else's shoe and pretended if I saw myself walking.
What do I see?
A loser waiting for just that one answer to turn her world right round again.
A loser who needs to rejuvenate her self-esteem and carry it out on her shoulder and show the world how confident she is on the inside and show it on the outside.
A loser who needs,perhaps,a gist of love.
MAYBE;I lost a good part of myself when my world came crumbling down two years ago and it had taken me A WHOLE LOT OF EFFORT to be where I am today.If I hadn't been strong enough,I would have long ago been dusted somewhere in somebody else's store room in the obituary section of the papers.I could have sworn I had given up the hope and I almost lost my belief in my own kind of faith.But I thought about what God has in mind for me and I tried living a little each day and I came this far,living as much as I could now.
Perhaps I longed to be loved again.Perhaps I have sinned so much that this is what I have to go through for the next maybe 5 years down the road.I don't know.
Maybe I miss the spaces in between my fingers being filled with someone else's grip,to lead me through my darkest times and calm my insecurities.
Maybe I longed to be given the warmest of hugs and the most passionate of kisses I have shared with a particular someone.
When the second chance was being given to me almost a year ago,the kiss didn't feel quite right.
Because it was full of hope,sadness and a lot about moving on and letting go..
Yet,I am still hopeful for his return.Though three quarter part of me swore to never give yet another chance,deep in my heart,I still do want to.
I am not ashamed to say this but I suppose,if I was in love again now,today,this current moment,I would be a more happier person.
I have completely ignored the people who cared,and loved me most because I wanted something physical.Something rational and real.Not some made up memory of nothingness.
There is nothing more I could wish for at this moment but help me God,find me a "close to looking like Jesus" guy and make him see through me like no other can.
Hahahaha.
I want to be interested in somebody,trust me my friends I do.But I have gone through shit ass times and every time I try to stand back up,I'm being shoved by my own flaws and I'm on my hands and knees again.Staggering up.
This is possibly the most lamest post I have every typed but I suppose I just needed to get this off my chest.Its been a burden I can't verbalize to anyone but my old pathetic self.
Lol.
So,till then my fellow earthlings.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I am trying.

Blithing good.

2010-05-30T13:01:00.003+08:00

A half Malay-half Chinese man was sitting on my lap and I can't help but notice how good he smell,how sexy he looked in a plain black shirt with dark jeans and his hair was spiked up in different directions,not the typical guy I would fall for or gave a second glance to.
But he certainly caught my attention.It was maybe the way he spoke to me,the slang of an ordinary Singaporean.I didn't know what it was but the next moment I know,I was on and all over this man and couldn't keep my hands off him.I ventured every inch of this man and he returned the same favour.
I have never felt so euphoric but I realize it was all but a dream.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
God knows who that man in my dream was but God bless his soul for making me the happiest and perhaps,the horniest lady today.Or not.haha.
So,I had a pretty good weekend(holiday included).
I went to the cemetery on Friday and mind you,it felt like trekking.The sun was scorching hot and I was sweating in all the pores found on my gigantic body.It was fun,I talked to my late grandparents as though they were still alive and instead of the visitation being a sad event,my mom,aunt and cousin actually thought it was a nice day out.We were all happy and smiles as we picked out the weeds growing on their grave and chatted with them,updating them about our separate lives.But it was quite the opposite when we went to my late uncle's grave.
We quietly sat,said our prayers and wept longingly for a good man's soul to rest in peace.It was such a big loss for us and we couldn't help it but try to smile for the good times he's given us back when he was alive.
He was a simple man,who smiles a lot and he taught me the good before the evil.Word.
Enough of sad moments.After the gravely expedition(haha);
I headed back to my aunt's and crashed at her place for quite some time!
My cousins turned up and it was a joyous occasion,so to speak.And than somehow,we got home.
So that was what happened on Friday,yesterday,I went swimming with Nana,Adik and Syahir!
Sengkang swimming complex is massive and one particular lifeguard is pretty cute.haha.
And than I crashed at Nana's for a few good hours,munching non-stop and trying my hardest to be patient with the kids who was constantly screaming and hitting each other. -.-
Than I got home about an hour before 12 in the night and couldn't help but lay flat on my bed,surrendering to slumber.I was dead bushed.
And mind you,I have not studied!
So,with little expectations to pass,and with high hopes of actually wanting to see my fellow classmates again next semester,I guess I have to mug soon.
Till then fellow earthlings.
Take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:If I pretend I didn't care,I guess the best awaits me.

I'll be on me feet again,someday.

2010-05-23T22:45:00.003+08:00

I'm not going to school tomorrow.
I'm not going to regret my decision even though its less than a week to Exam.
I promise to revise on my own tomorrow,I don't see the point of going to school and staying there trying to cope with my head feeling heavy,full of snort.
At least,with the comfort of my home,I have all that I need.
Cold water to bring my temperature down,the quiet instead of chattering students in my ears which is going to irritate me further in this condition,and I can sneeze all the fucking time I want to and blow my nose as loudly as I want to-cough as loudly as well.
haha.
Well,I got a replacement to my fucked up Samsung(my personal Badang!) phone which has been with me since forever to a Sony Ericson's.I was totally messing around with my second brother when he came over,shoving my messed up phone to his face and trying to score for sympathy and than he asked "you want my phone?" and I'm dumbfounded like that.I just stared and nodded.haha.It was his spare phone anyway.
Who would have thought the things we needed most can come true that soon.
One "need" down and plenty that I can't think of more to go!
So..I meant to go over to Bishan to meet ol' Sam today but she woke up a bit too late and we postponed out meet-up to next week instead.I am continuously IM-ing her as I'm blogging now and we got tons to rant about which is the most random thing to do at nights like this.haha.
But she's make me feel occupied for the night,even told me about the little heart-break I'm going through.She even told me to "stop falling for the wrong guys" and I'm like "WTF.I wish guys came with a sign on their forehead which says "I'm wrong for you."haha.
Anyways,so,instead of meeting my preggo friend,I met Mari instead.
I finally had my first taste of the quarter pounder and its not as magical as I thought it would be. Cheated my feelings.
But it made me fucking full yes.haha.
So,I'm sipping my iced tea and reflecting back on my life thinking what have I got to lose now that I am in this state right,and it got me thinking that;
behind my smart-mouthed self,rude-mean and definitely unattractive,I have a pretty good heart and I listen fairly well to people.
Despite having a slight hearing impairment due to prolonged loud music busting in my eardrums since I was 14 till now,haha.
Well,I deserve to be given some credit,a little respect if not a lot,and probably a little gratitude.
I'm not being big-headed but I've had it up till my forehead with people taking advantage out of my sincerity and that reasons out on why I am being this self-centered bitch that I don't mean to be today.haha.
Not that I am remorseful of what I've said or done to hurt my friends or family.
haha.
Well,tonight proves to be a pretty dandy night.I got the best of songs on my stereo and its making me at peace with myself.
I may have a massive case of low-esteem but I am confident enough to throw back a few words to make you feel better or worse about yourself.Trust me,you wouldn't want the latter one.
So,till then my favourite folks.
Take care,don't get sick like me.
(By accident,I might have caught something I shouldn't.Cross your fingers for me,please?)
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I think too much cause I need to solve my own mystery.

I got the bug.

2010-05-22T20:17:00.002+08:00

Days went by and it seems pretty good truth be told.
Better than those other days we call history now.
I am still thinking about my own failure and I am still deep in thoughts about it,but maybe,I lost an opportunity which may not turn out to be a good thing anyway.
I am trying to think positive,but I don't need to hear the name-words which have caused me such disappointment.
But within those days too,a friend called me up being vulnerable as she can be.
I questioned her sadness and cut in between while she was talking,genuinely wanting to share my thoughts but I got an earful of cuss words in return.Afraid that she might do something stupid which she is capable of,I choke back on my tears and stayed close on the phone with her.I feared for the worst and I thank God cause whatever God did,God made her safe.
I feel terrible cause I couldn't help but listen and listen some more.Obviously,I didn't know her well enough to be aware that she is never the person I thought she was.
I hope she is doing ok somehow,I hope she will not make a decision which is going to destroy somebody else's life.
I hope she makes it up to everyone affected,truly.
So,I am feeling under the weather.I woke up this afternoon feeling as though a huge rock had just hit me in the head,it is pounding as I'm typing.
It is probably the pressure of my snort building up.
My nose won't stop running and I sneezed six times in a row.I always wonder why I get sick when the exams are near.haha.
Exam bug is infectious indeed.
And today,I told a white lie because I couldn't handle my own flaws.Hence,I made another mistake again but I was given a "maybe next time.." so I'll be hopeful and wish for the best.
I should just suck it up and meet my possible soul mate and venture out in the world I've left behind since two fucking years ago.I'm too afraid,still too hurt I suppose.
Its not that I don't want to,but I feel like other girls are much more worthier than I am.
I don't want to waste anybody's time and embarrass them.
I am such a loser.haha.
Ah well,I need to go get some rest.
My eyes are hot,my snort is flowing out and my temperature is probably rising.
Monday,I don't wish to come to school.I know its still a Saturday but thinking that far makes my head hurt more.
Need you want anything,give me a text.I'll be at home rotting.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Why can't you just be content before the worst hits you in the face?

Another failed attempt.

2010-05-19T01:28:00.003+08:00

I slept for the longest time and I was home alone.
It is the most incredible feeling I've had in three damn days but the back of my head is still pounding.I was sleeping in my uniform and that just concludes on how exhausted my body have been.I meant to study but wasted all the hours away on some deserving sleep.I didn't regret it.
haha.
And here I am again awake,with my nose stinging with snort and feeling hot from the inside.
I think I might have caught the bug from Far but its too early to diagnose myself with flu.
We'll see how things are tomorrow.

Well,at this moment as I'm blogging,I am actually frustrated with myself.I am being complacent again.I am taking my studies for granted.Partly because I purposely want it to happen,but on the other hand,I just can't seem to concentrate anyway.Year two is hell-ish.
I feel the time squeezing the life out of me and I am dead scared.
It feels like only yesterday that I started life in ITE.
In two weeks,I'll be sitting for my exams again,and in another 4 weeks,I'll be posted out for attachment again.Than come back to school for another 8-9 weeks and goes back out for clinical attachment and than I graduate.
I will be 20 then.
I am still asking "What the fuck am I going to do after that?".
It bugs me everyday,thinking about how my life would unfold in the future.

Will I sleep in the streets,what job is there for me out there if nursing is not what I actually want to pursue for the next 20 years of my life(if I even get that far) and most important of all;
How will I embrace life on earth while I can?
Am I going to make a difference in anybody's life?Will I learn to love someone with all my heart?
Am I going to be able to take the pain of being in labour?What is there after life?
What is happiness?
Will I ever be content?

I ask broad questions and get disappointed when no answers is revealed.
Often time anyway,I feel like nobody is listening to me.
Am I speaking too softly?Or was I sub-consciously talking to myself?
I am a person of many words,lacking the presence when entering the room,with a much needed smile to be planted across the face and all I need is a little security for myself.

Recently,I thought I could care for someone else again.I thought I liked someone.I thought I could give it a shot,ignoring my flaws,and his.I thought I am ready again to go a notch higher than where I left off since couple of years ago.
But who am I kidding?I thought wrong.
My brain mocks me.
I know for a fact that I am not capable of keeping my emotions in check if I do.
I wear a 'careless' mask on,when truth is,I care too much.
Sometimes I talk to others,gives them words of wisdom and wonder why didn't I thought about that and imply it in my life when I needed it for a very long time once upon a time ago.
I didn't know.
But what I do know now is that I am feeling slightly off and I should have some rest.
haha.
Apologies for my ramblings,I just needed to get something out of my chest.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I guess I changed my mind.

Syg,I luv u. (Awwwh)

2010-05-17T02:41:00.004+08:00

As I'm blogging,its almost three in the morning of a Monday and I'm not in bed.
Do I deserve to be shot in the head,please,by all means.Blow my brains out already.haha
Well,I was out with Zee yesterday-Sunday to complete the last few bits and pieces of our Geron project.It is decently finished but it is not saved yet.I don't know what will be the outcome of it but we'll hope that 10% won't be deducted from our Geron grades.We need that.
Well,I had tons of fun,annoyed moments with Zee.
This is,I think the second time I'm out with her alone.Just with her.
She's a ball of fun and she just can't get enough of me I guess.I'm magnetic like that.
*winks winks*
She's always finding ways to put her arms around mine despite getting smacked by me.
She always says this "Aku kan suka dimanja!" and I'll give her my disgusted look.
Honestly,I think its cute.HAR HAR HAR!
*Zee,jamban jangan besar!*
BUT,
despite her fun and bubbly attitude,she is this one vulnerable girl I wish I can save but in order for me to do that,she's got to save herself from any further damage.I wish she knew how remarkable she could be without all the fucking shit-load of crap she's constantly going through.
All the unnecessary heart-aches.
I'm not hating on her but she deserves the best,cause she is one of the few that is best to me.

Well anyways,
On Saturday,I went to CGH with Monty and Teah. Juli was obviously there.
Ikhwan got admitted again.He's now in the cardio ward.
He looks better than the last time he was in hospital I must say but with the infusion he had on yesterday,he looked pretty shitty.Weak.
I wish I knew what is causing the problem cause honestly,I felt crappy seeing him going through such things at his tender age of 21 years.
He's always been skinny from when I knew him at the end of year 2007 but he's skinnier now.
I pray for his health to come back all at once again like before so we can all celebrate next year with tons of booze and a fantastic good time again.
I wish I could ask for all that moments back.But I can only wish.
Well,before it gets any later than 3,I should probably head on to bed.
He's finally talking to me.Har har har har! *kening naik naik*
Well,good night-morning.
Toodles.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:Its a surprise I'm not hurting anymore.Yet.

drying cries.

2010-05-15T14:15:00.003+08:00

I hope Zee won't forget to do the necessary "touch up" for Geron project.
I have yet to tell her to update the content page and try saving it in a disc to be submitted this coming Monday.All of need the grade.We SHOULD hand it in by Monday,by hook or by crook.
And Mari,I hope you had a good birthday!or not,I wouldn't know.
Well,I got home early yesterday,
I put my bag down,laid down on the bed and didn't wake up until about 0730 in the evening cept to give Monty a text saying I fell asleep and didn't meet her,and continued sleeping anyway.In my uniform.
It was the longest sleep all week by far and I still feel tired afterwards.
I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I watched Jersey Shore at midnight and my brother helped to get rid of a lost moth who got in our house with a broom.I was literally screaming for him to not kill it,but get it out of the house anyway.It was chaos for a dead midnight situation.My mom just shook her head as she tuck herself in bed.
After which,I tried to study.
All I could afford to do was read but not understand the sentences.Nothing was being absorbed.I than took a glance around the house and saw my "art tools".
I tried drawing-doodling-sketching but my mind seems to be elsewhere too.In the end all I did was draw a small stencil of "be love",Jason Mraz's new fore-arm tattoo and put it between my Tabbner for inspiration's sake.Not to mention three strips of Chris Haslam's name,the man of my dreams.har har har.
Exam is around the corner,and I am not making any effort to flip through my notes and texts I've been given.I feel disinterested after the discovery of my dream weeks back.
Its like I am doing something I wasn't meant to be doing,but than again time is constrained.
I don't have the best of energy and strength to make up my mind.I just want to make a difference in my life.
Something that I have always dreamt of doing is within reach and I'm letting it off the hook cause I'm doing something that is pleasing everyone.Everyone but myself.
I wish I could have done something to change this,but I am thinking of everyone else and I am actually considering of making their hopes a reality.Which is not even close to bad but would I be able to live my everyday life doing the same thing,doing the same routine over and over again?
Well,I guess I have to try and make it work if I still don't know what I should be doing when the time finally ceases out.
I should have decided a long time ago.I should have worked hard for it.
But I'm not going to regret it.It was an intended mistake that I've got to live in,for years,for good.
Ah well,I'm going to have myself a good Saturday.I'm not going to let anyone ruin it.
Syed and Ifan,I'll see you two in hell!!
I'm not going to be all childish about it,I just don't want to talk to you guys for good.
Don't give up for all I care,it doesn't bother me. And I don't give a fuck about your apologies, I thought you guys were friends,I believed you guys. And for the record, who would have thought nineteen year olds who had been my friend since I was 13 could be such a penis.
I will let this pass but you guys are no longer my friends.
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:I thought it was going to be different,but you're proving to be the same.

why do I care right.

2010-05-13T01:15:00.003+08:00

Finally met Monty after two weeks or maybe more,I don't know.
I didn't keep track but it seemed pretty long.
And for the record Monty,I'm not a hypocrite.
Truthfully,I just don't seem to have the people I need around me most when I feel like shit,when I feel like crap squirming around at home cause the pain is excruciating on my stomach and chest.I don't mean to make you feel bad cause that was my thoughts in general.It wasn't specially typed out for you.har har har.No hard feelings dum-dum,
I still love you unfortunately,too much come to think about it. :D
Well,things in school is fine I think.I am trying to cope but I end up falling asleep or stoning off most times which gets on my nerves.Geron project is due on Monday and we're like 3/4 done.
Just a little bit of editing and fingers crossed,I hope I can finally study in peace.har har har.
PM project is pretty redundant and I am clueless on what we should be doing really.
And it is going to be graded,I am not freaking out as much as I should for Geron.
Any old how,plans with Pantart is pending.We'll see how you mullet-missing-hair.haha!
I'm fucking tired like you won't believe it.
I think my brain is giving up on me cause I don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore.
Eh and Seb just talked to me -.-
Its not my fault that I keep looking back.He won't leave me alone.Chey!!
Har har har.
Well,he's planning to become a trucker now.What the fuck,but I wish him well anyways.
Lets hope he has dished out his "soldier" ambition out the drain,please,keep your fingers crossed for that.
Till then earthlings,
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I don't know how to hold you,but I want to.-Sezairi

Won't you kill me?

2010-05-09T15:59:00.002+08:00

I have noticed a change in myself.
My eye-sight is pretty screwed,its getting worst I suppose.
Than,I would wake up from a very deep sleep,be it a short or long nap and feel light headed and I'm only hoping that I won't pass out one of these days.
I think I am sick.
Today is Mother's day and like all the past years of this beautiful day,I did not get my Mom anything like she deserves.
Well,I used to get her a stalk of bright coloured flower and watch her throw it out after a week or so.
And tomorrow is my Pop's 54th and again,I did not get him anything.
My brother and his wife is going to bring the whole family out for dinner and I'm embarrassed.
Pffft.
I SUCK IN GETTING PEOPLE GIFTS. (I'm even asking Zee to bear with me until I get her a perfect one.And soon enough,I have Mari's birthday gift to worry about.)
Though I make good lengthy birthday cards I must say.
All I wanted to achieve in this lifetime I have is to be a good daughter but I have screwed up too many chances and I don't know how to make it right anymore.
har har har. (??)
I am still doing the things I swore I wouldn't do again and lie straight to my folk's faces.
I deserve to be punch in the gut.
But I promise,I will stop this whole mess again when the time is right.When the time is good enough for me.
Besides being a terrible daughter,I've been a lousy friend too.
Once upon donkey years ago,I used to have a best friend.We were too close for comfort and than some shit had to happen and I lost that one thing which used to make me smile a lot.
A friendship.
Her mom thought I was a bad influence and now,years later,when she sees me outside,she acknowledges me. (It was even weirder for me if you must know.)
As confusing as it may seem,I am utterly hurt and it still bugs me about how my friend's parents think of me.
I don't mean for certain things to happen you know.
I'm just esoteric.Some people get me,some people just don't.
I don't like being in a situation where I know I'm partially responsible to be at fault in.
It makes me paranoid.
But fuck it,I'll abandon a fruitful friendship if its for my friends parents peace of mind.
I'd do that.
I just want the world to be loved.If thats even impossible when it gets around to my friends,than I rest my case.
Well,I'm going to go get ready now.I got to meet my Nana and hang out with her over cigarettes and multiple exchanging of words.
Till then,Take care.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:I just hope for one thing,miss me when I'm gone.Please?

Penis are confusing.

2010-05-06T00:09:00.003+08:00

I just got back home from seeing COPELAND live at the WAREHOUSE with Mari.
The show is just spectacular.I love the lighting effects,I think it made the whole show a great one!
Copeland played the only song I know and love,"coffee" and it was just perfect.Made me all fuzzy inside listening to them perform it live.Three people actually took a picture with us two and we are clueless why but we,or I rather,appreciated it a lot.
Besides,one of them was CUTE and SWEET like hell.har har har.
His touch was electrifying,Meeoooow.Ok I was just kidding bout that part.
Though it sucks it ended with a heart wrenching twist for Mari and it affected me.
Made me feel guilty.I'm so sorry Mok :(
I feel like whenever she goes out with me,she's always getting into trouble. *sighs*
Anyways,on Tuesday,five(Mari,Zee,Mazi,Far and myself) of us had a cake smashing good time.We were smearing rich chocolate cake on each other and it was utter madness.The cake was for Zee and Mari,cause it was and it is going to be their birthday.
It was mad fun and gross cause I ended up getting on the bus with Mazi smelling like vomit.
Har har har.
Also,tonight,or couple of hours ago,I had the courage to call Pantart.lol.
But he's not even responding at the moment. -______-
But well,whatever.I better go wash up.
Cheers all.Take care.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:The smart people are a pain in the glory hole,but I can't seem to find the right jerk yet.

Nothing lasts at two.

2010-05-02T01:31:00.003+08:00

I was out the whole day yesterday(Saturday,May 1st).
I was out with a few of them from my Geron project group members to do a couple of slides for the presentation part.
After about half an hour or maybe a little more we wrapped it up.I don't find the environment conducive enough and besides,certain information was missing.My head wasn't where it was suppose to be,that afternoon.
Than had bruncner(breakfast-lunch-dinner) with Mari and Zee before meeting up with Sunny.Initially,the plan was to go shop for some clothes for myself but,I ended up being mood -ess to shop.
I went to spotlight at Plaza Sing with Sunny and got myself a mood ring.Finally.
That bit made me a little happier.
I was on my way home today and I got a text with "bby.." in it and my heart fell apart.
I was listening to "linger" on my music player and my heart was in pieces.
I was taken aback,I was revisiting down memory lane and looked for the right face and I saw Seb.Both situation reflected him.My knees wobbled in the MRT,my eyes started to twitch,itching to cry.But I hold on to my composure well enough and told myself "Its ok.Its over." and made it home not affected.
Though right now,I wish someone genuine would come over and let me cry,cry and cry.
Someone who I am not doubtful of.Someone who would hug me long enough until the hurt starts to numb.
I keep telling myself I will be ok for anything at all,that I am going to survive any blows.
But who am I kidding?

The song "love is blind" by Ramzi is in my system for now.It makes me calm,it makes me sad,it makes me mad listening to this song.I don't know why.
I am God's example of the perfectly flawed.I didn't request to be the way I am today.
No,I'm not blaming God either.
I truly accept the fact that I look the way I am now,today.But I can't go through a day without thinking of what I lack and ways on how to improve myself.I am different.
I don't know how to change that.
Anyways,living unnoticed is not bad at all,but it is far from good.
I had a notion this evening,will my loved ones feel the loss if I somehow disappear,will they miss me.Will they ever know how I felt this whole time.
It scared the shit out of me.Cause of all the things that worry me in my life,I fear that nobody would even remember me,what more,my name,when I'm not around anymore.
I want there to be lots of prayers for me.I have sinned this whole lifetime.I need back-up.
Ah well,I'm going for a swim tomorrow.I hope this time,I'm really going.
Farah,Nad,don't build my hopes up and let me down at the last minute.You guys are famous for that.
So till then,for tomorrow,I wish for the good,the best,the greatest.
Take care earthlings.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:You remind me so much of the semi erased past.

"If I was a tree growing tall and green."

2010-04-30T20:14:00.005+08:00

It has been an exhausting week.
I hate to say this but certain classmate(s) is/are getting on my nerves.I don't like too much noise unless its from a concert or some music event.I especially detest tons of yelling,screaming and talking going on all at the same time.Believe me,I love my class,it has the quirkiest to the most amazing people I've met in the whole world but in my opinion,if you want respect,learn to respect others.
Thats what I've learnt after going through all sorts of physical and emotional aspects on friendship with my babies;Mari,Zee and Far.
They are the best damn thing that has happened in my life.
But that aside,the important part is the educational part of it all.
Being in year two is hella hard!I can't even put it in words.
There is this PM project I don't find relevant to the nursing module at all.And I don't seem to get what we are actually suppose to do but play along to it anyway.har har har.
And than there is Geron project to hand in by the 17th of May.It is that soon and can you believe it my fellow earthlings,its the end of April already.
I felt like I didn't utilize my time wisely this year.
Days go by and than weeks, and than months and I feel so proud-less of my non-existent achievement.
Nothing memorable has occurred,something worth smiling for when I go back to reminiscing lane at the back of my head.
I know I have been saying this a lot but I want to find a job.The problem this whole time was,I worry if it clashes with my school schedule and who would want to employ a person who can work probably 4-5 hours on alternate days and during the weekends?
And not to mention,wouldn't it affect my studies and my health?
I think its just me,afraid to go out there and hold a place for myself.Ah well.
Somehow or rather,I will prove myself wrong,probably the whole world wrong too.
Well,right about now I feel completely rejuvenated but sticky.
I had the longest sleep without bothering to change when I got home from school again and mom didn't wake me up to change either.I must say thats pretty sweet of her,cause I was sleeping on her side of the bed.
har har har.
Oh well,tomorrow I'm meeting my Geron group mates to do some slides on our project,than I'm meeting Sunny,Nana and hopefully Anjang tomorrow to get something for myself.
Pretty stoke about the whole planned thing and lets cross our fingers and hope the week ahead won't be too tiring.Again.
Have a great weekend earthlings!
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:If anything at all,I was wanting something for myself.A notch of selfishness.

Incredible,but impossible?

2010-04-26T19:29:00.003+08:00

I am possibly going to watch Copeland next Wednesday.
I know I'm going to be hella exhausted cause the show starts at 8 up till 10 in the evening and furthermore,its after school.But I'm sure its going to be all worth it for me at least.Mari has plan to tag along and I am more than happy to have company but like I told her earlier,I don't want her to feel like she's splurging on something expensive on nothing.Its ok for me cause I'm used to spending my cash on music events like gigs,concerts and such while she on the other hand,she's just about to start on such activity.
But she insisted on coming ,so I hope it all goes well.
Well,upon further researching,Copeland is actually performing for the last time,the last lap tour around Asia cause they are breaking up for some separate commitments.
With that being said,I'm kind of hoping that the two hours plus show is going to kick some ass,jerk some tears and ends with a good ol' farewell!
Well,I just had a bite with my parents at home and tell you what,school was horrendous.
I was fucking exhausted and by the third & forth period of class,one lecturer was being NICE towards me who was trying to clear up some doubt about the male reproductive system(in an educational way) with my very own Mari and I was taken aback when the lecturer yelled my name,accusing I was being ignorant to her class.Truthfully,I was paying attention,until the second time she yelled out my name again,saying I was very well distracted TODAY.
I don't know how to take it.I mean as a good thing or bad.I chose neither cause I don't want to be speculating shitload of crap into my over stuffed head.So I zoned out for quite a good while and hear people talking like I was in planet ape.All I heard was "Mwop mwop mwop.." and than suddenly we were released from class for lunch.I was hella sleepy and by the time lunch were through(a quick one hour break),I was back in the lecture hall trying to stay awake.Than Saha distributed those addictive gum balls like candies and I was on a sugar rush.I feel like a kid again and I couldn't shut up until somehow,my energy wore off and I felt extremely bushed.
I managed to doze off and when lecture was over,I was dragging my feet home with a quick linner(lunch and dinner) in cafe 1 with my two babies.
That was pretty much it.It was unbearably tiring.Maybe cause of the fact that I stayed up at almost five when I had to wake up at the next hour.How smart of me right!
Ah and the biggest surprise was when big Ol' Davey texted me.What a twerp.har har har.
How dare he creep back into my life after going missing for months!
But I'm too forgiving,though I'll never forget.har har har.
Thats about it.I came home to see if there have been any new messages and saw nothing yet.Perhaps tonight.
And as much as I'm trying to ignore this particular feeling,I can't help it but feel something around me,following me.Not in a scary way but,its an emotional thing.
Ah well,I told myself to smile a lot more.I need the highest of cheekbones just so I can look at things with a sky high optimism and hope.
Never hurt trying.
So,till then.take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I'm afraid I feel like doing the same to you too. :x

Can I hold you?

2010-04-23T21:03:00.004+08:00

"You got mail" is a frequent icon I have been seeing lately and its been almost a month now.
Its causing home made pornography in my head and its unreal.
I am pleased and if you are concerned,I am trying to shove the unnecessary feeling of hate out of my life and I'm just trying to live day-by-day with the appropriate emotions on a particular situation.Yes,it is a change and before my feelings divert itself to you,please,get a grip on yourself.I don't want to risk hating someone I thought was reliable.
Anyways,this week has been a breeze.Though it has been pretty exhausting,I think it went on smoothly.I have I/V phase test tomorrow and I'm not sure why I don't even bother to go through my notes.Unfuckingbelievable.
Well,I'm listening to The Corrs-All the love in the world and I remembered how I used to listen to it while groing up.I discovered the song again last night while ironing my uniform.Immediately,I knew I had to find it again.Its a brilliant song!
I especially love this phrase in the song "Don't wanna wake up alone anymore,still believing you'll walk through my door."
Something about it makes me think about my late uncle,how I am trying to relate to what my aunt/cousin is feeling after her loss.I'm sure its depressing.
One of the reasons why the last time I chose not go get hitched,cause I was afraid of losing the only person I love whole-heartedly.
But now,I'm ready cause I finally know that gaining and losing is part and parcel of life extra baggage.
By the way,5th May,alone or not,I want to watch COPELAND.I don't know why.I guess I have to.And for fifty bucks,I don't think I'm going to blow off my dosh for something inappropriate this once.
And I am speechless that "saving myself" is a practice many others are actually carrying out.So I am not alone at all.I hope I'll end up with one of them soon,if not later.
I can safely say that at this sane state of mind,I am actually feeling calm when I am suppose to feel rushed.And for the record,my fucking gut won't cooperate.I think the old ailments are going to hit me right back where it hurts most years ago.I just hope I won't pass out in public and cause a nuisance.
Till then,take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I am highly hopeful,I get crushed and you,look down on me.While you,are not thankful enough.

You in me.

2010-04-20T23:34:00.002+08:00

A song for you.
I'd make you banana,chocolate chips,blueberry pancakes for you.
Anything cause you may be the reason I am going to live the dream I wanted.
And even if you maybe not,I'd still like to thank you for giving me one hell of an adrenaline rush.
Thank you for the heart racing exchange of mesages,it made me flutter deep down.From within.
No kidding.Thank you,thank you,thank you.
For my few favourite friends,thank you for being there.Being patient with me like no other.
I know I talk a whole load of bull shit most times and gets pissy for no reason but,thanks for sucking it up and still embrace me in a tight warm embrace called friendship.
Love you,love you,love you guys.
I'm going to move on,live life,laugh loads and say the stupidest thing cause I can.Cheers.
Goodnight to Monday,hello to the upcoming days ahead!
Have a fagging good time and shake off the miseries away,its going to be okay someday.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Feeling good.Walk on by.

Chance,knocking on my door.

2010-04-18T23:32:00.003+08:00

Turns out,it wasn't my tired mind which caused the sudden change of plans for myself.
It was something I had planned for myself a long time ago,way before nursing was the next big decision.I told my mom about it and she accused my state of mind for not being rational.
I am dumbfounded.
Nana's opinion was positive,and I don't know whats even right anymore.

All I want now is a fagging good time and a time to surf the beautiful beaches of Australia and perhaps,Bali.
I can only imagine.
I just started the brand new semester and already I'm thinking of vacation.
Astaghfirullah.
Oh well,whatever my decision is,I'm sure its for my best.If I stay in nursing for school,I doubt my spirits would ever be the same again for it.I still want to save lives sure,but theres always the "but" feeling.
I feel pretty dead down at the moment.I just came back home,I greeted my mom and lock myself in this room.I just told Sahar to leave me alone,for good.I am listening to the mellow song of "deeper conversation" and my mind is practically crying.Bahaha. :/

At this moment I feel like disappearing,or getting lost swimming at the sea(with a life vest on cause I can't really swim).
My mind is like a swarm of bees.Buzzing at nothing in particular trying to make honey,trying to make something productive out of my listless life.
I am probably the most loser person I know.What else do I have to lose except time,is what I worry most.People come and go,its the fact of life and therefore,doing what I want most would make me a happy person despite losing friends and maybe,family.
It is the most ironic feeling I have felt in months and its causing giddy spells and nauseousness.I don't feel like going to school tomorrow.But I am not given the liberty of making an excuse of being unwell to absent myself.

I hope I will be ok.It has to be ok.
And rest in peace Achik.-Another reason why I am having an extreme debate going on in my head.
Take care all.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:"If you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes and dreams?"

A sudden adrenaline attack.

2010-04-18T05:36:00.003+08:00

Its almost six in the morning and I had a cup of coffee,I haven't slept a wink yet and I'm not sure if this is the point of time when exhaustion takes control over my drained mind but honestly right about now,I feel like cutting the road off nursing and head on to MDIS for Mass Communication.Another dream which is within reach.
What a fucking offer!
holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit.
I'm going to try and sleep it off and think about it as I'm sleeping,an act only speacialized people like me can attempt.This is terrifiying,deciding is not my forte'.
And for the record,you got to brace yourself and meet me once again,maybe stay longer this time without the boys.
P.s:I secretly want to have your bright blue eyed babies and sing them lullabies with punk rock songs.

to be with the undecided

2010-04-17T14:17:00.003+08:00

I made it through one week of school.It has already drain me out mentally.I am falling asleep in class but strangely enough,the information my lecturers are giving in classes are seeping into my brain like an airborne particle.The only difference is that,I need to keep up by reading and getting the whole idea of what is being taught.So I suppose being in Year two is a no joke business.I'm going to get slaughtered and YOG is coming on head fast.But thankfully,its happening during my clinical posting.
So anyways,right about now,my muscles are screaming in pain.Why you ask?
Because on Wednesday,my Sports and Wellness teacher asked the whole class and I to actually train our self for the NAPHA test this upcoming May and for starters,he asked us to run six rounds around the stadium.JESUS!
I didn't complain about the run cause I was feeling good about the mental stress,forcing myself to run.My timing sucked obviously.Its been months.Should have kept up with Maziah but well,maybe next week I'll be strong enough.
Another reason to my achy muscle is gym yesterday.I didn't do much in there partly because I was embarrass and the other was,I was hurting in every joint which exist in my body.har har.
Any old how,my plans for the weekends have been ruined.Sahar couldn't make it tomorrow for the blading day out and swimming this morning was cancelled cause Farah is having her red flag day.
But,as Farah and I were discussing about whats going to happen last night,we ended up talking for almost an hour on the phone and watching Jersey Shore together.It was hilarious.
I'm probably not going to meet her up this week but certainly next week.When both of us are "clean" and ready for a nice dive at the pool.
Monty has asked me to come hang out with her today,and I'm just waiting for my second brother to come over so I can go out with him and mom to get the grocery or something before heading on out with her.My Nana might be joining too and lets hope today would be a great day!

Well as I'm sitting here blogging I can't help but let my mind wander for a bit.
Why is it that some people don't have to work their butt off to have what they want?Why do they keep telling the same thing over and over again and most of all,why do they have to be stupid in making a decision that is probably going to hurt them anyway?
But there are always two sides in a story.Why some people see it in black or why some people see it in white.I guess,God has a way of letting things happen for a reason.For every good thing that happen,there will be a bad one waiting.And if there is a bad thing that happen,there will always be the glimmer of light waiting at the end eventually.
Ah well,for my part,making something happen is when I really start doing something about my listless life.Like probably making a stupid decision which might benefit me,or working after school in my dreary days to get what I want,what I need.
So till then,I'm going to stop trying to be mean,trying to be nice.
I'll play it neutral and you like it or not,suck it up.I'm through being in the soft or rough situation.
Cheers all.Enjoy the weekends.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I think you are the closest to being what I dream of.

Walking,slower.

2010-04-13T22:07:00.004+08:00

I don't believe what I'm going to say but school is okay.
Theres hella load of people in campus because of the new batch of kids coming through.Its sickly packed I actually dread the thought of squeezing through fellow earthlings while I rush my late ass off to class.
Its only the second day and I am still struggling to get out of bed by six in the morning from having a late night the day before.I am trying hard to disguise this nagging questions in my head which doesn't necessarily need immediate answer-reason anyway just so I don't get myself extra pre-occupied in the head.It has not reached maximum storage yet,but its got to be soon.
I am in a daze and I don't know whats gotten into me,I kind of shoot my mouth easily this time round.Just like Brett Mccarthy,a character from the book I was reading.Its shitty but I hope it won't last.I don't want to go around offending people.
I'll try hard enough to shut up and do a good job at it.
So,school,I just realized that in total,there is for four different subject-period.
Its going to get real intense but lets hope its not going to be too over-whelming until it drives me up the wall.Theres yet another phase test next week and I am bumming around,not bothering to open up my skill book and read through the procedures.There has been no information on when practical classes will be held yet,but I hope its soon.I am freaking out and apparently,I'm not alone in this boat.har har har.
So,school aside,I am proud of myself cause I'm left with one more book to read before I can return all the 6 books I've borrowed.I feel so accomplished and I can't get wait to go and get some more.
And with this saying on interest,I've come to realize on how much I actually miss inline skating.
The burning passion I had inside of me since I was ten,for the sport which made me had bad sore back,scabbed knees and palms but yet,leaving a sense of care-freeness.The sport which almost took away my chance of walking on my two best feet.The sport that had kept my in shape before and ever since I let the thought of fixing the buckle on my blade slip my mind,it has remained quiet by the side of the store outside,dusty and letting me become as fat as an ostrich.With that being said,I think I might go and skate some day soon.
I can't wait to break my back this time! haha.But I hope not.haha.
Oh well,I'm going to do some surfing the net.
I'll drop by someday and blog again soon.
Take care earthlings.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I want you not to go,you won't listen to me.

Beautiful as it is.

2010-04-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

Time is unbelievably short these days.
Tomorrow,I'll be back in the fucking school.What am i to do?Worry bout grades again of course. Well,I must say I enjoyed being at home and pissing the shit out of my mom by not really helping much at all doing the chores.haha.But I'm sure she's going to miss my presence again at home.Like not seeing me lying on the bed next to her side,not moving until its almost twelve in the afternoon or she might miss hearing my voice asking "Mak,masak apa?Lapar uh.". haha.

I did nothing special during my three week vacation cept for the night out at the beach with my usual side-kick(s).In between hanging out and watching the telly,I also got propsed.
Informally but enough to make my heart race because of the adrenaline action.
I'm not sure if its a big joke but its getting intense.This could be it.
My friends,I may,or may not get married soon.Har har har.
But I'm pretty sure its not as easy as signing the papers and "TADAH!"-
I'm suddenly somebody's wife.
Theres my parents to worry about,theres permanent residency to sort and hopefully no changing of faith and beliefs.I went through it once but not to this extreme.
I am not surprised why 'he' is actually rushing,and I am more than glad to be wedded.
Its a foolish decision but please,I know what I want for myself.
But if it is all a fucking joke,I wouldn't mind waiting all over again.
I don't want to be hitched to a musician whose going to leave me alone while he's off strumming and partying hard after that.That wouldn't be too good.har har har.

So anyways,that aside,I went out with Monty today in hopes of getting some red sticks.Got disappointed but I had some other back up so that'll do for tomorrow.
And Oh dear God,its raining now. *Yaaay!*
And four books down,two to go.I actually fought hard not to cry while reading but it failed badly.Its always depressing when you put emotions into reading.Nevertheless,I always enjoy every bit of it.Be it lying down,sitting on a chair or stoning off while somebody else talks to me.
Its always,always good.

Well,I'm going to try and find some songs and get some sleep.I'm horribly bummed school's in a couple of hours but thats life.
Its either good or bad.
So cheers,all.Take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I'm pretty sure you care or else you wouldn't have even thought about liking it.

Honey,I know its over even before you say it.

2010-04-08T00:24:00.003+08:00

Oh my sweet God,I'm left with four more days to have the time of my life.
But being a sucker that I am,I have made no plans for myself cept' to read the books I've borrowed from the library and drink endless of tea and coffee to occupy my time.
I want to meet OH-SO-MANY people but its been so long since I kept in touch,I'm embarrassed. Haha.
So anyways,two nights ago with Monty,I went to bade farewell to her hero,Teah.He's going to be away for 10 days for Brunei.She's pretty down about the whole thing but claims to be keeping herself busy with work.Bahaha.Fat hope,I'm sure she's burying her head in her palms,crying.
But woman,he's going to come back,have faith. :D
What else,Oh I met Mari again today,or hours ago of yesterday technically.
She was overly-excited over her new found ability to snap beautiful picture with her digi cam.
(Credits to Abang staff nurse la horr-.-)
I'm happy for her,but she gets in my face with trying to take stupid pictures while I suck on a fat Popsicle.It was a hilarious picture which I hope so badly she wouldn't upload unless she wants to jeopardize our friendship.
Yes,its coming of as a threat! Lol.
And I don't understand why there must be dogs or other fucking animals around to disrupt our time together.Not that we were doing anything special,but come on! Leave my paranoid mind alone.Like every time I see dogs,I am secretly thinking that it will come leap up on me and start licking my eyeballs and than bite my juicy thigh away than gnaw at my bone.
Its that freaky!
But anyways,honey,Mari,I always have my kind of fun with you and them other two.
So thank you for asking a loser like me out.
Urmn,Seb is joining the army. (YES ITS RANDOM.SO WHAT!)
I am way beyond words elated for him.But who am I kidding?It is actually depressing thinking of what he's going to go through once he gets recruited.And the cheek of him to come up on IM and say "It will be good if you start talking to me since you miss me" or something like that and I replied "When the fuck did I say I missed you?Please,Don't flatter yourself!" but its obvious I suppose.He's wrapped around my last toe!!
Lol. We talked for less than fifteen minutes and he was too zoned out for gaming or he was too drunk to care and I didn't know if I should ask the golden question.So I kept it to myself once again and wish he wouldn't get accepted in the army force in Germany.
*sighs*
I don't know why I'm being retarded over him.He is my bloody ex,and he is million miles away(for the record Monty,I should be the one crying my eyeballs out everyday!har har har) and it feels like he is still so close to me.
I want to be in love again,I swear to God I'd love to have that feeling again but I'm not sure if I'm ready enough.Look at me,
I'm a walking garbage!
I have zit marks all over my face(yes,self-negligence.I got nobody to look pretty for.*Feeling sorry for myself.HAHA!),I'm 1000000kg over-weight and I am more manly compared to Zul-Zuliction(no offense.Haha!).
But I am more than content to have those around me who is willing enough to take me in their silly little world.Har Har Har.
I'm a person of make beliefs,having abundant of hope and holding on to faith.Cause in the end,the solution to everything relies in myself and myself only.I have the choice,I have the reason,I have my answers.I am maturing when there is rejections in my life like,when my mom refuse to make me a cuppa,I'll sulk in her face and makes her feel bad.Than I go on making my own cuppa and let her have a taste of it and seeing her smile makes it all worth while again.
I am clueless on what I'm trying to imply but it started of because of that lovely idiot.Seb.
He made me feel wanted.He made me feel comfortable like no other.He accepted me being weird.Being awkward.Being quiet(but eventually it ended anyways).The fun never stopped between though.I know it.I'm sure he felt it.
Cause there was always burning hot lust in us.
How "we" started off anyways.A good sinful kiss was all it takes.
So I was saying,the feeling of lust.Har har.(Heavy uh the word!)
Holy shit but yeah.
Lust-One year after we broke up,and when we finally met again,the same look he gave to me then and when we met was there.It was on FIRE!I wanted him so bad,but thank God our mutual friend was around or else we'd be all over each other like rugs and sponge?
Pfft. But it was more powerful,cause I missed him truckloads and all I wanted to do was hug him which I did and I wish I could bring him to the place he brought me one of the many nights we had,in front of the church and say "I am still in love with you."
Give me a break,I didn't want the break up,and he refused to try and I was giving up but I never stopped loving him.Which I know I should but I'm afraid that if I do,I will totally erase all memories of him.Because he is no longer in sight,and soon,when he's gone for recruitment,he will go through months or maybe years for training and wouldn't be in the comfort of home to be in touch with me or others who loves him the same.
No,this is not a sad break up story from me,nor is it the sadistic exclamation of the broken ex.
I just don't want to lose him to something he's unsure of.I mean the consequences.I wouldn't have the chance to have my goodbye,nor would I even know what would happen to him.I'm a million miles away.I'd rather if he lived poor and I hope he could wait for a couple of years more before I visit him and say what I meant to say and have closure for myself.
For the word "Us" which is obviously no longer.
Yes,If you have finally noticed,Seb had meant a lot to me and still does,in my life.And it wasn't just about us making out in between walking from places to places(ok Monty!),it was something he gave me in a non physical way which made me feel attached to him.Like I couldn't live without him kind of feeling,I know its a bullshit phrase cause I'm still walking till today(haha) but it the nagging feeling of lonesomeness.Like my shadow is not there anymore.
But I won't be sad,I won't shed tears of loss for what I have lost,cause I'm glad it happened.
I'm glad I had the chance to love and be loved by a man who took my breath,my heart away even though he left me and got me all asthmatic over him and my heart shattered to pieces.
Cause in this world,laughters are like Valium and future love are vacuum cleaner which helps to clear the mess my heart has made.
One thing for sure,when its gone,I can't question why.It just didn't work out.
I hope I'll find a way-courage to say my actual goodbye someday.I just got to keep trying,keep being strong.As always.
Take care earthling.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:It beats.But no longer for you.

Trying hard enough.

2010-04-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

Technically yesterday but it was less than 12 hours ago,I went to the library and borrowed 6 books after paying my long due(d) fine.
I feel a lot less like a fugitive now.A lot free to roam around the library like a stalker to find abundant of books.
I got there with Nana and Mari.
A little after early dinner and browsing for books,I hitched a ride from Mari to Bedok Reservoir to meet Monty.She's having a problem but I hope it gets better soon.
Just some words of advise my darling; If anything was a problem at all,you should have directed the reasons earlier to those concerned. And not to mention about how you have actually been putting up with the shitty acts now,its pretty redundant now cause its a dead end. Only you have the answer,only you have the solution to your rut.
I mean well, I wish I could help.
So anyways, and I got home.
Watched Simpsons on Fox channel and My name is Earl on channel 5 before coming online.
Hmmn.
I got not much to say bout whats going on at the moment since I updated pretty recently.
Guess I'll just rant something up to fill up these tons of spaces.
Ready or not, I'm not going to wait anyway. har har har.

The easiest way to sweep me off my feet; sincerity.
The easiest way to piss me off; being dishonest.
The easiest way to make me upset; memories.
The easiest way to make me smile; farting.
The easiest way to make me laugh; trying to speak and it stutters.
The easiest way to console me; hug me.
The easiest way to make me talk; sense.
The easiest way to make me childish; planning a spontaneous activity.
The easiest way to make me serious; life-death matter.
The easiest way to make me fall in love; eye connection.
The easiest way to make me horny; medium-not so long dark haired guy who looks like he haven't bathed and shaved in years but smells drop dead awesome and starts smiling while he stands in front of me.
The easiest way to make me have a turn-off; yellow-crooked teeth and stinking breath.
The easiest way to make me like you; be yourself but don't over-do it.

Uh-huh.Uh-huh.
I just thought I'd mention certain things.This is not even close to finishing mind you!
It takes a lot to make me have a certain kind of impression on people.
I don't judge but you got to prove me wrong.
Thats how I make friend,enemies or even sometimes,family. Har har har.
So till then mother fucking earthlings,take care.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s: When you said hello again,I couldn't care but I kept your smile.

Taking a time off for healing

2010-04-03T16:22:00.003+08:00

Ah I forgot to mention in my previous post that my mom had me on April Fool's day.
Very good one mom,Bravo! -.-
She went hysteric after she got me with her unusual method of pranking me.She laughed while holding on her body weight to her knees! *shoulder jerking laughter*
But I got to say she obviously knew what my weakness was and got me right where it scared me most.lol!
And another one is where Kane proposed to me.
Well,it must have been cause he sent me the message on April first but I must say,
it did sweep me off my feet.
Kane is this round white male who is 37 years old(?) and plays guitar for the band Greyskull.
I first met him and the other boys when I was 16.
Back where Gashaus was the port for gig goers and they happen to be performing all the way from Texas.I still remember how Shai hooked me up with the tickets.
And so I went there,I'm this ugly motherfucking girl who looks like she went to the wrong place with her cousin and than from across the room Kane walked towards this group of girls and than walked straight to me and held his hand out.He introduced himself,asked for my name and ask "hows it going?" and told us to have a good time and true enough,it was massively fun!
And we(and the rest of the band) kept in touch through Myspace and over time,it was an on and off thing.
Right until last April First. har har har har.
So anyways,I got another pleasant surprise today.
Fiza Kamil posted something surprisingly sweet on my Facebook.
It never occurred my mind how she can come up with such words,here's what she said;
i ♥ how natural you are
i ♥ how i can act just as i am with you
i ♥ how everyone's normal is weird
i ♥ how our weird is normal
i ♥ you ili!!!
I don't know if you're feeling it like me,but it touched me.
Cause Fiza has always been this wise and outspoken person I have ever met in my whole entire life and she's always making sense cept' when we're both being completely childish
(which is actually most times).
And I got speechless and kind of said stupid things back and ended it off with I love you too.
So,yeah.
These couple of days,I am actually fine with staying home.
I don't feel like seeing anyone cept' for Monty.Lol.
Ah and I went to Aranda last night to Busu's family gathering,it was enjoyable and I made it up with my Nana.I hope she gets a break,I wish so hard that happens.
She's pretty exhausted by the looks of it and that "khrfoinw" burns in hell.
So till then fuckers!
Love,Appreciate.
P.s:Because some friends needs help for their own benefit and just won't do the same back.

I'll never be the same.

2010-04-01T19:47:00.003+08:00

I slept and continued sleeping yesterday evening and only woke up at about five today.
I stayed out,stayed up all night last two days.I was with Mari and Zee.
Far didn't come at all,despite the coaxing and whats not.It made me pissed cause she promised a whole lot of shit to me but she ended up bailing out on us with an excuse we three were doubtful of.Initially I didn't want to keep in touch but after some serious thinking,I texted and told her how I felt,how the other two feel too.All she said was sorry and that she swore she'd be around for the next outing.And deep inside,I just couldn't be bothered to believe her anymore.
My whole life,its about being tossed and turned around.pulled and pushed around,brought up and that slammed back to the ground.
I'm sick of this shit.
Well anyways,the stay out I had with the other two had been fun.
We were at the place all of love to hang out at,the beach at East Coast.
Mari's mom cooked us delicious dishes and even fetched me to go to the designated place.
Mari chose a spot underneath a shady tree,and later did we know that the tree actually has a disguise.
Cause despite of it being shady and sorts,it was actually a killer tree.hahaha.
There were fruits,falling at possibly 70km/h and the impact is hard,really hard.
But we weren't troubled by it,so it was fine.The only thing we were concerned of was the houseflies and other mother fucking bugs.lol.
And when bedtime came(only after four), I was the only one who couldn't shut my eyes.I was too hyper,too anxious to wait for the sun rise and it paid off at about seven fifteen/seven thirty in the morning.
It was glorious.
The sun shines the whole wide world and its amazing how the only big ball of fire works.
Than noon came so I bade goodbye to the other two woman and I walked my way through the rain for the nearest bus stop.It wasn't as far as I thought it would be.When I got in a bus from East Coast,the bus driver kept looking at me through the mirror,I think I looked suspicious cause my bag was stuffed,and it looks like I have something that shouldn't be there.
But he just smiled when I pass him to alight the bus.
Than,when I finally got home,the familiar feeling of comfort swept me off my feet almost immediately.
I showered,had some food and fell asleep before Maghrib and didn't wake up till about eleven at night to read a text from Anjang(yes I miss him tons!) and went to bed again to wake up at ten plus this morning.And after a quick snack,I went to bed on and off again and finally showered at about almost six int he evening.
My body is all stiff and I'm going to mee Monty shortly.
Har har har har.
My plan was to actually go out for a jog but maybe tomorrow,I'll be more hyped up.
Till then,take care mothalicka'!
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:I thought you're going to prove me wrong,but you're the same.
The same.

what a slut,congratulations.

2010-03-29T13:32:00.002+08:00

Monday started off wrong.I never hated Mondays except for today but lucky for me,I'm meeting Fiza later.
I hope things would simmer down over cigarettes and bubble tea.I just need to find a fucking mat or a bloody sleeping bag.
I'm not too sure why but I'm feeling pretty cranky.I don't wish to entertain any other.
Nana just came around and I couldn't be bothered to look her in the eye and talk.I let her do the stuff she need to and couldn't wait for her to get out.
Even when she left,I couldn't wait to close the bloody door on her,and she wasn't alone mind you.
Kay was around and I couldn't give a shit bout what she thinks of me no more.
And YOU fuckhead should stop playing your loser game,if you want to talk,talk.
Don't disappear for a couple of days and come back round again and interpret things as though it was my fault.
Listen here and listen good(referring to everyfuckingbody!),
I do you fucking favours after favours,and no I'm not being petty or calculating but is it so fucking hard to fulfill my one and only wish?
Is it hard for you to get back at me at least within the first half hour after I notify you?
Now don't fucking blame me why I am always bloody late,I have my perfect silly reason which you wouldn't understand.
And please,Stop trying to be a bloody goody two shoe!
Stop trying to help when you know for a fact what is actually the matter.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghh!

People are like shit,just like what Ifan would say when were both 14.
They either lie to your face,break your fucking heart after or stab you multiple of times in the back.
And the best part is,you are always trying to be there despite the fucking shit load of stuff they have done to you.
Especially you,silly little ass bitch,I can't stand the fact that you have your hands all over what I thought would be my future.But you know what,Thank God you have that piece of shit,
cause I'd be a living misery like you.Stupid fool.
Trying to suck it up for you man,oh please! Go get married and seal the fucking deal.
bitch.

The problem right now is actually I'm breaking into cold sweat cause I don't get to satisfy my problem.
I haven't had a bloody cigarette for long enough.I want my red packs and I'm going to get it!
Oh and tomorrow,I might be staying out with them.Far,please please please be there.
I need to talk to you.
I need you.
Oh Fuck it.
Hate,Appreciate!
P.s:Raged.

I had you in my sleep,it was good enough.

2010-03-26T14:11:00.004+08:00

When you're at your best,everybody wants to be there for you.
When you're at your worst,only the best stick around.

A good example of a good friend is when you have given them all about you to them and accepts you with open arms despite the good,bad or possibly the ugly.
When you give a certain something which they dislike but still take them in cause it means something for you.

And when you're comfortable in your own skin despite the fact that you're the most unpleasant one among them all.

Well anyways,I went out with my girls yesterday.I was late as per normal cause I overslept.
I mean,give me a break,I went to bed at 6:15 in the morning.
Lol.
So we met at city hall and train rided our way to Bugis where Mari and Zee accompanied me to get some stuff for Farhana.A box of chocolate and a bunch of yellow flowers.
Than we went to her work place,gave her the stuff and ordered some food. lol.
Little did I know Far didn't eat chocolates with nuts in it :/
I was pretty crushed to not know something important like that but Far said it didn't matter,but it bothered my the whole night last night.
So anyways,After which Mari,Zee and I went to Nasrin's for sheesha and drinks.
We thought Far would join us but apparently,she had to rush home from work.
And things were pretty dead from that moment onwards.
So we all went back after that.

And the moment I woke up from my sleep,my heart felt crushed cause I miss how close we were together and it felt so good,so real in my dream-my beautiful nightmare.
Hey..I really fucking miss you..
And that is where the story ends.

And till then suckers,
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:someone like you.

When this story ends abruptly

2010-03-24T01:12:00.003+08:00

I was out the whole fucking day with Mari baby yesterday(technically,hours back la horr).
I am pretty exhausted but still,as per normal,I'm staying up to surf the net.
We went from East to North and than to West and than back to the East again.
There was even a monkey scare in between and we ran,well I did,and ran to save my ass first and totally wanted to ditch Mari for my own safety. It was fucking hilarious.
It was totally out of the norm to see monkeys at a pretty high spot off the ground and yes,the place,it was surrounded by trees but it was freaking-freaking tall trees.
Don't monkeys slip,fall and die that way? I wonder.
But pssyyeaaah,it was great fun.It always has been anyway exclusive of sore bum and numbing lower limbs because of the long seating position to get from one place to another! har har har.

So anyways,mister "ahem!" is kind of sick?
I hope he gets better,eat at proper meal time and take his medications appropriately.
He is complaining but what the hell can I do? har har har.
*sighs deeply,inhale and exhale and dies*
Ok I'm not really dead yet,just wishing I was. Lol.

I'm not sure what I really want now.Its getting up to my head but I have the right solution to neutralise my hay wired mind.The answer is,house chores!
I have decided to become an awesome daughter and help mom out with the chores and possibly start learning to cook.
And in between all that,I can lose some unwanted calories and get rid off the obvious bulge which is visible in between my pelvis and upper abdomen.
Mission to lose weight needs to be a success,strict diet,oh fuck it! lol.
Holidays is a good excuse of more bonding time with the family. har har har.
I'm not complaining,I love them to bits but I hate waking up to see the house like a dump.
hee hee hee.

Oh and I need to do some serious studying man! Its been ages since I last felt smart. lol.
Need to pay the overdue fines I owe NLB as well! Eeeek.
Not cool,but at least now I know I can borrow 6 books all at the same time!
And mission to pierce the septum,is pending!
But its more than ever becoming a reality!!
Need to get the dough from mom soon,and than I can show it off to the whole world,or maybe myself.

So yeah,I'll update whenever.
Take care earthlings!
*Near death experience(s) are always exhilarating!*
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:I have the perfect flaw,you have the biggest ego so God help me out already.

We'll wish this never end.

2010-03-21T21:36:00.004+08:00

Holidays are a bliss,but without anything to do can be such a bitch!
Hahahahaha.
Anyways,yesterday I went for my beloved 5N2 reunion dinner and guess how many people turned up,
come on,guess bitches!!
Ah fuck it,Imma tell anyway,
nine freaking people from 5N2 and than theres Ifan from 5N1 and Sam's husband.
Whattafffoccck right? lol!
But well,I think it was a pretty intimate dinner at Pastamania though nothing much was there to talk about.We ended up going our separate ways after eating.
Initially the plan was to watch a movie after dinner but most of us didn't feel like it.
It was pretty disorganized but;
I got to give tons of credit to Edd for at least trying to get us all to unite again,so Edd,as always,I love you,Thank you for everything and I appreciate your existence in my life for forever is it exists!No kidding.
After that,I went to meet Monty and Teah and hang out with them.I was pretty much like a lost soul wandering about,trying to occupy my time as much as possible.Lol.
Got home at a quarter past twelve and watched some Tv than went to bed at almost four.
Har har har.
Than this afternoon I went to Vivo with my Nana in hopes of getting a twelve bucks compact powder but it was crushed since Monty didn't have a clue where she got it from.
So to TMall Nana and I went and got myself a decent one instead in replacement.lol.
Saw Wee Kang again(cause I saw him last night too with the rest) and waved enthusiastically at him who was working and he did the pout and wink thing. Lol!
Well,I told myself that if I can't get a job during this holiday,I might probably hang out at Nana's entertaining the kids and watching endless of DVD's with Ibu and whoever else.lol.
So yeah,thats about it really.

I am just missing my babies a lot.
I wonder if they think about me too.
I'm talking about my OOAK :(
lol.
I hope you babies take good care of yourself,and I hope you guys miss me as much as I do to you.
I'm trying to keep in touch through random texts with them and I'm getting their responses so its quite comforting in a sense.
And,
I couldn't bear not talking to my old pal Farah so I dropped her a message on FB and we talked as per normal again.
I know how selfish and self-absorbed I can be at times but I'm too forgiving sometimes.lol.
I miss her too,and this time,I'm not kidding.

Basically,this time round,I am missing tons of people actually.
People that used to matter to me.Like a couple of days ago,I was looking through some photos and absent mindedly I shed some tears.Its a reaction I never thought could happen naturally.
ha ha ha ha.

Oh and I thought I might share this with the world,
A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SMILED AT ME TODAY AND MY STOMACH DID A SOMERSAULT TO INDICATE HOW PLEASED I AM AT THIS SORT OF GESTURE I GET FROM PERFECT STRANGERS AND I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW WONDERFUL THE FEELING IS.

There was even this incident in the MRT which occurred today,
there was this probably 50-60 over years old Caucasian male who kind of suddenly grab the pole I was standing in front of,and it naturally made my eyebrow furrowed and he saw my expression and smiled at me apologetically and than say out the words which made my heart melt "I am really sorry.I didn't mean to." and I smiled politely and nodded in response that it didn't really matter.
So I walked out calmly and waited for Nana who was walking a couple of steps behind mw and to my surprise,despite the crowd which was walking against this man,he waited for me and again apologized "I am really sorry.I didn't mean to be rude." and I said "No,its really ok." and gave him a smile and he shook his head,smile and walked off.
That is outrageous kind of courtesy and it really moved me!
I didn't know there was still such people in this world.I guess,this world is really worth to live for indeed!
And there goes my life story! har har har.
I'll blog more about some worthy enough experiences again soon!
Earthlings,take care,miss me while I'm away.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:Don't play hide-and-seek with me,I suck at that game.

Risking it.

2010-03-19T16:31:00.002+08:00

People are like papers.
Once written in ink,there is not changing it(but thank God for blanko nowadays!).
But theres always a new start,if given a new blank page.
I have never judged anyone prematurely.
Unless they are giving me bad vibes to begin with.
But just for some assurance,to my dearest friends who never fail to be around me at times when I'm up or down,
I accept you guys be it good or bad and I will never stop loving each and everyone of you.
You guys are my world,the one who means most to me.
*hints hints* ~Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! hek hek hek!!

Lol.
well,this last week on in-campus theory learning has been exhausting I must say.
I got to catch up with tons of topics that was never absorbed in my head.
I think this upcoming term would be a stressful one and I might tighten the noose and get ready to let the stool fall off below me. har har har.
Shortly,I have got to start choosing what I really want to do later in life,I'm fucking scared.
I don't know if nursing is what I really want.
It is a challenging and fun career but lives are just too vulnerable for me to handle. har har har.
Besides,if the job gets too routine,I'm scared I might get bored.
I suppose,I would have to try out paramedics to really decide if saving lives runs in the blood or not.
If its neither,I might side track a little and do something I have actually dreamt about doing after all..

So holidays has begun(finally) and as much as I am looking forward to kicking it back,I am surely going to miss my badass friends.I know we can meet up and sorts but school is like a home for us,we spent hours together and the ball we have is not comparable to being apart.
Nevertheless,I am not going to mop around at home.Its time to do some serious spring cleaning and find a side job and stay in it even though I'm still in school.
Its kind of crucial for my expenses,to find a job that is.
Well,thats about it for the week.
I'm going to update again when I come online whenever..
Got to prepare and shower to meet my Nana in a bit.
Cheers!
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:You keep coming back but you repel too much to my liking.

blanking.

2010-03-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

Today was a pretty short day so to speak,school wise.
I had BCLS lesson and I am honestly pissed at myself.
I don't know why I'm such a fucking lunatic to not be able to concentrate and do everything I'm supposed to in an almost perfect way.
I am feeling way beyond hopeless and I feel like killing myself because of my own stupidity,which I won't do cause if there is a next time,I know I'm going to ace it.
The high-light of today was getting the piece of result slip today.
I could have done better,but I didn't so I suppose,do better if given a next time.
My head needs to be all geared up for this upcoming module cause trust me,its tougher than what it seems.

Distractions only makes me be in the losing end,I don't want to be going forward on my hands and knees.I hate having to struggle.I want to soar and if I could,fly to what I have always dreamed and hopefully die happy.
If not,it'll makes me an angry person,a very angry one.
Like today.
Honest to speak,I wasn't so keen to speak to anyone after BCLS was over,but thank God for the day out to our favourite hang out,Pasir Ris beach.
Made me relaxed and I had quite a ball.
Apart from losing Mari's visor which I am partly guilty about,things were pretty fine and dandy.
Met some TPS people today as well.
And when I reached home,I start to feel like crap again.
I told my mom bout my shitty conduct on BCLS and all she said was "do better next time." looked me in the eye and nodded and its not really helping so much.

Well,
I sat and thought through about stuffs which once made tons of sense and now no longer.
I revisited down the narrow memory lane and truly realized that certain things are meant to be a part of me for as long as I live.
I have let go most of whats no longer important away,pretty much a long time ago and those which has been in my mind longer remained.
Taking a step forward and being pulled back behind again because of the past can be pretty anal sometimes.But all the more worth the while cause it makes me feel human,it makes me feel alive.
I could have chose walking through my days with a pasted smile on my face and numbing sensations but I chose neither thankfully.I tried being normal.
Might have worked well enough if I try harder like all times.
Oh well,
I was already hoping,believing and living the faith I guarded so much and now,its nothing but remains of the desire I used to have.
Talk another time fucktards.
Take care,
*sighs*
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:Hitting full stop at full force.

More than us(Travis).

2010-03-15T20:30:00.004+08:00

Who knew Monday could be an abs work out day?
All thanks to my greatest babies in school for making me laugh so hard it is actually starting to hurt a lot.
Har har har.
There were tons of laughter today,and as per normal,lessons in class has been nothing but,stagnant.
Nothing was absorbed,since day one.Its actually starting to bug me and thank God I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I want to the the best as possible for this module cause its my last year in campus and I need to try out for paramedics.
I hope things will somehow work out for me.
Tons have been taught within only a week of being back in campus and I am barely surviving trying to get all those information in my head.
There will have to be less hours on the computer cept' for the weekends and putting my head in the right place,not else where for now. *hints hints*.

Har har har.
So during the weekends,I had a pretty good time on my own.
Well,not all on my own totally.I'm not that much of a lonely sod.
On Saturday,I went to my late uncle's place :( to have prayers read for him.Got to meet my married brother,and my sister in-law is expanding and it won't be soon before long now.
I'm counting down to late June or early July for my first nephew to step foot in this face of Earth!
My brother told me how he had this wicked dream regarding me and it was the talk among the family members and boy was I embarrassed.I couldn't stop grinning the whole evening!
:D :D
Than yesterday,I went to visit Ikhwan.Yes,I know how swore off visiting him again in the hospital but he's my brother from another mother ya'all!
LOL.
He looks,weird? Har har har har.
But I wish him the best of health and I hope he gets out of there soon! Its been almost 2 months,he needs to start breathing the outside air again,as well as the comfort of home!
Went there with Monty and Teah' and met Juls there as well.
We were all crazy/bonkers and I even met Rachel!
One of the SN there!
Too cool shit or what.

So yeah.Thats basically what happened so far.
I am trying to quit eating.Har har har,which is impossible la horr.
I'm born to be fat.According to Ikhwan and Juls, "You live to eat!"
:D:D
Thats a pretty inspirational quote I suppose.Something not to be depressed about.
And yeah,
I have my head in the clouds but I'm paying attention alright.
My insides are apologizing cause for once,I feel like moving forward.
But my head's saying don't completely run out of the past just yet,there might be a chance of reliving it again.
But I don't have the time to wait,its crucial.
Making decisions has never been easy,it has always been terrifying.
And note to self;
Be confident,a little alluring,a little slimmer and Hey! the beauty's within.and not to mention,tons of smiles-laughter to help with the anti-ageing process.

* L O L E R S *

Till then fucktards,take care.
Don't do the things I wouldn't dream of doing;like pissing in your pants in public!
Cheers.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:We just sleep,we just dream.

I will stop caring- tribute to,S.W

2010-03-12T20:54:00.002+08:00

The end of the week,its a gorgeous Friday.
I had phase test today,and I screwed up but it doesn't matter anymore cause its over.
My week has more ups to lows and I wouldn't have survived school without my favourite people by my side.Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve them.har har har.
Everything has been wicked hectic,I am talking about school work load.Theres shitty tons to mug on and I am already panicking even though school doesn't start in April.
And I bet this coming week would be another hectic one but thank God its the last week before vacation!

So,today I met Sam,baby Rach(finally!) and Edd!!
The three,or maybe four of us(inclusive of baby Rach) finally get together like the old times.
We talked,Edd rambled on his usual "interest of the week-day-month" and he's obsessed about learning the ever famous Espanyol' language.har har har.
And I must say,the show he is currently hooked on to has plentiful of hot guys in it,but most are short anyways.lol!
Sam is ever growing as per normal and it is ironic how I met Saifullah hours after he commented on my wall post to Soff on the TPS girl's day out!
He asked me "Anak kau pe?" cause I was always cooing at baby Rach and I said out loud "I wish!" and he chuckled!
Us four(Edd Sam baby Rach and I) were hanging out at TMART's McDonald's and thank God Sam somehow came over to Tampines instead of Edd and I travelling all the way to Bishan!
The day out with them three has been fun and they(Edd and Sam) won't stop complaining about my cancer sticks consumption.lol!
I am trying to quit,believe me I am trying hard,but its merged into my life,like another form of skin.I think I need to call the 1-800-QUIT SMOKING hot line.lol.

So yeah,Thats pretty much it.
The next couple of weeks would be vacation period and I told myself to get a job.
To support myself for what I want instead of asking from my parents and I need to really start studying.I'm in year two when the term starts,its going to be a brutal with YOG right around the corner,in August to be specific!
But I hope for the best,cause I really want to do Paramedics course after I graduate.Just for experience sake and I want to procrastinate time before I really start on a particular career that I really want to get involved with.
Growing up is scary,what was I thinking when I was younger,impatient to grow up!
har har har.
No time for stop,time keeps ticking like a time bomb and it won't be soon before long when it starts to explode in your face!
Eeeek.
Eh well,thats about it for tonight,
Toodles fucktards!
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:You're going to walk out the door on me anytime soon anyway,like any other has,the question is "when?".

A good enough reason

2010-03-09T21:53:00.002+08:00

Today wasn't so bad after all,
I tried to put whatever is bothering me away from my mind for the time being and tried being myself again and thank god,I had a better day than yesterday.
It was all about the smile,the joy and the laughter.
It was love from my friends.

I guess when we try hard enough to disguise something that is being anal on us,
we should just take it lightly and handle it with an open mind and heart.
Because eventually,things fall back to the right places and life goes on.
It keeps moving forward.
I am always troubled and I am always finding ways to make it a little bit easier for myself,for everyone else that matters to me.

Well,anyways.
I can't say it enough but my schoolmates has been nothing but my fun,joy and laughter.
They help me a lot,even though most of the time all they make are faces that instantly makes me laugh when I'm not in the best of moods.
It cracks me up so hard I loose control.
I love it when they give me sudden affection I once used to be terrified about.
Like today,Mari gave me her infamous rib-cage breaking hug and I swore to God I felt one of my ribs moved(I'm lying,of course.)!!
har har har.
Than theres Zee who talks non stop and her mumble jambles and her priceless facial expression never fail to make me smile from ear to ear.
And lastly,Far.She's like a shadow,quiet but there and always so comforting.
They are so special to me I wish I lived with them.
I am so willing to put up with their individual characters cause we've been through most dramas within us that I'm sure I'll be able to handle whatever is coming my way,our way.
But its just a big dream,whether it will come true or not,time will tell.Hopefully.

Oh and question for the day,asked by my personal therapist Mari;
"What do you want and expect from men?" - or something like that.har har har.
My reaction was, "What are you talking about?" cause the question is so generalized that she said she doesn't have the answer herself.
It kind of popped in her mind cause I was complaining about a particular someone.
har har har.
I have yet to fall for this one person but not getting a "hello" kind of drove me up the wall.
I don't know why.har har har har.
Maybe he's busy,or simply just couldn't be bothered la horr.
I shall not think about it and I'll be okay cause my "baby" and "honey" is around to make me feel loved anyways.
Till then,toodles fucks.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Oh,before you go..never mind.keep walking.

Limitation

2010-03-08T22:13:00.003+08:00

Sudden meltdown is uncool.I'm sorry guys.
Theres possibly gabazillion things in my mind and I just can't seem to let it out,or maybe let it go.
Things at home is a little intense I guess,for me at least.

I am thinking about the last forty days.It gets shorter and shorter.
Have I left behind any foot steps around to mark my place?
Was it ever enough,all those tears,smiles and words of wisdom?

If its really happening,I hope all thoughts on repenting will be done physically on my own accord soon.
The longing gaze to my sleeping loved ones,the apologies and "love" after each goodbyes.

But today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I should start writing.The last few journey,all those entries.

A farewell too soon,and looking over the shoulder moment,and the shaking of heads.
Things will make sense as soon as I get better.
Its got to be.

Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Begging for more time,God please.

comfort bails out.

2010-03-07T21:02:00.003+08:00

I was crashing again at Nana's yesterday.
I was reluctant at first but gave in to her endless "adik.." and pouts,besides,it was the weekend.
Spent my yesterday travelling to Bugis and than to Hougang trying to look for the perfect "anniversary" gift.I hate people who are in love,its such a chore trying to find the "monthsary" or "anniversary" gift and than getting mad cause the right gift is not yet found.
But yeah.whatever.
lol.
Nevertheless,yesterday was brilliant.
Nothing else matter when the right person is surrounding you.
So,on Friday,I met Sam!
Ohmygawwd she is growing yes,a lovely kind of fat but her bulge(?) is not showing much.
I kept asking her stupid question cause I was hella knackered and my eyes was pissing the shit out of me and thats my lame excuse of trying to stay awake.
Had dinner together sitting at nowhere as per normal but with other people sitting around too,so it was obvisouly somewhere.Nevermind if you don't get the idea,Edd Sam and I know what I'm talking about so its cool.
I got myself two double cheeseburger and holy mother of rats,it has never tasted so good.
har har har.
Sam had Long John's and while eating we talked about life after marriage and how her "activity" has been and of course,the norms of bitch talking about someone we both particularly know.
Its hilarious and when the night came to haunt me down(LOL),I got home in the bus and my bum has never been that sore.One hour of bus ride is a killer,but for this situation,
it was worth every minute of it. [Sweet or what!!]
Supposedly today,Sam asked me out again today,to let me meet her tiny half sister,Rachel.
That was actually why I travelled all the way last Fridayto her area but,tiny Rachel had to go home too soon.
There's always a next time I hope and I can't wait to meet Sam again and hopefully that little tiny thing,Rachel.
There goes all the general details.

Lets get a little personal now..

Honestly,I am mentally drained.I have no idea why.I am pretty much close to being ignorant about everything else in my life.School is tomorrow and a week back,I was excited and now,I feel like I can't stand it already.I don't want to go to school tomorrow :(
Far gave me a text some days back saying "meet soon" or something and I said to myself "Oh shit." I don't mean like I don't give a fucking fuck about my mates,its just the whole thing about moving forward in life that is kind of pulling me back.
See,this April marks a year flat of me being in nursing course.How my friends and I met and sorts and this has seriously got nothing to do with what I'm feeling.hahahaha.
My point is,time is going by me so fast and soon I'll hit 19.Its a bad number,
cause I'm growing old,I'm boyfriend-less(which I don't care so much but everybody needs somebody) and I don't intend to know what I want yet.I just want to hit pause,make my mom and pops happy by working elsewhere,earn some bucks,bring them out for dinner,get both license and live life happily with some kind of drive.
I am crushed on the inside its stupid.I feel disappointed in myself.
I don't know what about.
Well,theres always hope.Theres always faith.
I need to quit feeling all weary and damn right shitty.Though its not going to happen soon,
lets all pray for me that I go anywhere with a smile plastered across my face and don't let it show in my eyes and get it messed with my head.
*mutters repeatedly*
Tomorrow will be a good day,tomorrow will be an excellent day.I need to believe this.
Till next time fucking folks.
Ciao.
Loves,Appreciate!
P.s:Sacrificial acts are meant for those who truly deserve it.

Will you be my only exception?

2010-03-04T20:09:00.004+08:00

The song which is playing in my head on repeat for two weeks now.
Found it stripped and raw,loving it.
If I had to sing a song,this would be the kind of music I'd like to be playing in the background.

Meeting Monty in a few,finally!
Meeting Sam and baby girl tomorrow.can't wait!
Texting Ridhwan,again!
Feeling ecstatic,for tomorrow is the last day of CP,finally the torcherous hypocrisy moments will just be another bad memory.
Three cheers and lets all shed a tear.

Other than that,it rained today.
Thank you God for listening to my prayers and all the others.
I love you,we love you,the grasses love you!

Love,Appreciate!
P.s:I have a hard time falling for you,help me out already.

Best foot forward,bring it.

2010-03-03T18:23:00.002+08:00

The only source of life you can find is only in Earth(I suppose) and now,it is ageing on a population too many all over the countries.
f that is not scary,I don't know what is.
I still want to live for the many years to come,have multiple husbands(har har har har har) and live to see my grandchildren.
har har har !!
But seriously,I want to grow older,get married to someone with long hair and a scruffy face who will love me to death and we'll have tons of babies(boys) with mohawk hair and long sideburns and a girl whose all princessy and let them grow up listening to Nirvana,Foo Fighters,Lifehouse and Placebo!
Than see them grow up,let them break my heart and make my day with breakfast in bed for me and their pops and gives us money when they grow up(working) for a vacation or two to Hawai and Venice.
LOL.
Yes,this is just me being spontaneous so don't take my word for all the things I've said cause this is deliberate.har har har.

SO!

Look around,the grasses are thirsty!
This is depressing.To see the state of the usual green of grasses are now all dried up and brown and scrunchy.I hope the rain falls soon,they immensely need water.
:(:(
But I love the sun tons.I like how the burning hot heat tingles my skin,the only thing I hate is when my nursing uniform gets soaked with sweat,the nursing uniform sticks to my skin like another form of skin.Its extremely disgusting but apart from that,Sun is good,Sun is awesome.

That aside,Things have been pretty good I suppose but I'm still feeling a little down.
I should be fine after a dose or two of my reds soon.
Two more days before I leave the hospital for two weeks of in campus and than my well deserved vacation period,or not.lol.
I can't wait.I will finally reunite with my babies and I hope this time,all of us GET ALONG.
lol!
I am texting a lot lesser too!Thank God!
Har har har.
Well,anyways,just a random thought;
Sometimes I can't help but think that people can only appreciate a particular moment for so long until they find something better,something more deserving of their attention.
I am pretty wordless today.I'll update whenever.
Take care guys,miss me.
Nyeeeheehee!
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:You've already said farewell.

Breathing

2010-03-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

Its 12 minutes past 12 midnight as I'm blogging now.
I have afternoon shift tomorrow,and I'm glad I'm going back to the ward tomorrow.

Well,I just got home tonight.
I went over to Nana's and crashed at hers,been ages since I last did.
So we went over to Mai's and bought the necessary knick knacks and last night,I finally get to see Mai and Mariam.The best surprise is when I finally see Aki again.Mai kept teasing and all Aki and I could afford to do is exchange glances and awkward smiles.We didn't talk to each other but we had to be near each other since we were in a small room.All of us could've been suspected as junkies cause the room was constantly filled up with smoke and thank god for two high powered fans.Later in the night Eddy and Vince came over and the place was more cramped than it ever was.Pretty much just kick back and relaxed.Laid around and smoke a lot.
Talking when necessary cause the silence was ironically comforting with that much people in a limited space.
I enjoyed my time there last night.It was a ball!
I think there would be another of such event next week,can't wait for that but lets hope nobody bails out on everyone else.har har har.
Had enough of that kind of shit for the time being.

Well,tonight,I don't feel too well.I mean I have yet to be fully recovered from the runny nose and the constant coughing but what I mean is that;it seems like my spirit is kind of depressed.
I don't know why but I feel like crap.I have an almost non existent amount of responsibility but it seems like I have got a lot to finish.Like I am actually procrastinating on something which is not even there.But I know for myself that I am way at the back of my own league and it is actually slowly catching up on me and trying to make me fall to my knees again.I know what I'm saying doesn't really make sense almost half the time anyway but I swear to God something is just not right again this time round.
Though it does not consist of racing heartbeats(though there was a one time experience on Wednesday) but apart from that,I am generally fine.
It does not consist of sudden tears.
It does not consist of the weight of the world on my shoulder.
I just feel listless,like a lost soul.
Cause honestly,as much as I try not to think as much of anything and everything(heeding on to the words he once told me) my mind is racing with multiple of questions which I doubt I will have answers for myself.
I reflect a lot.I am comfortable with myself.But there is far too much more than that,that I actually over see.I am clueless as to what I'm trying to express but not everything has to make sense having to live in this world which is ageing rapidly.

Oh well,Things will be better I suppose.
Faith is all I got now.
Love,Appreciate!
P.s:Where the fuck are you?